No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

β€œI play a little guitar!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cannibal bring to the sushi festival?

Ramen.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewThinks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
This brings back memories
πŸ‘︎ 391
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

She said, β€œYeah.”

I said, β€œI knew it!”

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Want people to show up? Bring food.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy

I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medimanager
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I always bring an extra pair of pants golfing...

...just in case I get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sugar_Wolf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.

The friend says "hey, is he yours?"

The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."

His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"

"No. I think he speaks porch geese."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?

Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Italian people bring ravioli to birthday parties?

So they can pasta parcel!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obiwan_kenobinil
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.

They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/girloffthecob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
This really brings back old memories
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dank_memes-420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows....

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Photographer_Rob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.

It’s a real game changer

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/struggling-here
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?

Subordinate clause

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawsonator85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market

I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canyuse
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Don't bring cheese to a sword fight.

But if you do, make sure it's extra sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Craftninja7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.

I'm mass-turd-baiting.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Klratz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The guy I suspect is a cannibal in the office always brings in something questionable.

Today was white chick in chili.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TitFartFerguson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?

A BOXING MATCH

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doom_dodo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why should you bring a pencil sharpener to every class?

So you always get the point!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MakeMeADonut
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How did one duck bring down an entire ship?

It released the Quacken.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

He's a bordeaux collie.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Please bring my x back, don't ask y :(
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goatcheese1230
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".

"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't think she brings a lot to the table.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hilloviikot
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations

Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If I could just bring one thing with me to a remote deserted Island..

..then I probably wouldn't bother going.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..

.. easier done than said.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to circus school but forgot to bring supplies.

I left my three-ring binder at home.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to bring a smashed boomerang back to Walmart yesterday.

Fantastic returns policy.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.

I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Promiscuous_D8a
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve trained my dog to bring me red wine.

Hes a Bordeaux collie.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spudgun81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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