No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
What did the cannibal bring to the sushi festival?
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
This brings back memories
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, “You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”
She said, “Yeah.”
I said, “I knew it!”
Want people to show up? Bring food.
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy
I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
I always bring an extra pair of pants golfing...
...just in case I get a hole in one.
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?
Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW.
Why do Italian people bring ravioli to birthday parties?
So they can pasta parcel!
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.
This really brings back old memories
Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.
Don't bring cheese to a sword fight.
But if you do, make sure it's extra sharp.
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.
The guy I suspect is a cannibal in the office always brings in something questionable.
Today was white chick in chili.
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?
Why should you bring a pencil sharpener to every class?
So you always get the point!
How did one duck bring down an entire ship?
I trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
Please bring my x back, don't ask y :(
I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".
"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"
I don't think she brings a lot to the table.
My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
If I could just bring one thing with me to a remote deserted Island..
..then I probably wouldn't bother going.
Today's the day I bring my Son to weekly speech therapy..
.. easier done than said.
I went to circus school but forgot to bring supplies.
I left my three-ring binder at home.
I had to bring a smashed boomerang back to Walmart yesterday.
Fantastic returns policy.
I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.
I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.
I’ve trained my dog to bring me red wine.