I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing
Just incase I get a hole in one.
ποΈ 1k
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οΈ Feb 10 2021
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
βI play a little guitar!"
ποΈ 9k
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οΈ Dec 15 2020
If April showers bring may flowers what do may flowers bring?
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Mar 09 2021
What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?
ποΈ 97
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οΈ Mar 05 2021
A bread demon would bring a lot of pain.
ποΈ 7
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οΈ Feb 15 2021
So this bank robber I know brings a bathroom scale with him to every heist.
ποΈ 7
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οΈ Mar 06 2021
This brings back memories
ποΈ 385
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οΈ Nov 09 2020
My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.
She also complains that I never listen to her.
ποΈ 10
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οΈ Feb 20 2021
when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory
ποΈ 86
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οΈ Dec 24 2020
On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, βYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, arenβt you?β
She said, βYeah.β
I said, βI knew it!β
ποΈ 59
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οΈ Jan 27 2021
Want people to show up? Bring food.
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Jan 05 2021
This really brings back old memories
ποΈ 4k
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οΈ Aug 08 2020
What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?
Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW.
ποΈ 132
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οΈ Nov 19 2020
Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy
Iβm not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Dec 31 2020
If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.
Theyβre a big fan of gross domestic products.
ποΈ 9
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οΈ Dec 06 2020
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
ποΈ 8
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οΈ Jan 21 2021
Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?
ποΈ 77
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οΈ Dec 17 2020
Why do Italian people bring ravioli to birthday parties?
So they can pasta parcel!
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Jan 15 2021
I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.
ποΈ 45
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οΈ Dec 03 2020
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
Itβs a real game changer
ποΈ 9
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οΈ Jan 13 2021
Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?
ποΈ 15
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οΈ Jan 06 2021
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
ποΈ 4
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οΈ Jan 16 2021
Don't bring cheese to a sword fight.
But if you do, make sure it's extra sharp.
ποΈ 78
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οΈ Oct 26 2020
People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market
I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!
ποΈ 10
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οΈ Dec 16 2020
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, thatβs kind of a grey area.
ποΈ 17
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οΈ Dec 19 2020
In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.
ποΈ 21
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οΈ Nov 20 2020
The guy I suspect is a cannibal in the office always brings in something questionable.
Today was white chick in chili.
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Dec 07 2020
A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."
The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."
ποΈ 47
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οΈ Oct 18 2020
If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?
ποΈ 3
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οΈ Nov 27 2020
Why should you bring a pencil sharpener to every class?
So you always get the point!
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Nov 21 2020
How did one duck bring down an entire ship?
ποΈ 7
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οΈ Nov 14 2020
I trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.
ποΈ 31
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οΈ Oct 29 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weβre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
ποΈ 3
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οΈ Nov 18 2020
Please bring my x back, don't ask y :(
ποΈ 42
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οΈ Jun 21 2020
I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
ποΈ 10
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οΈ Aug 10 2020
"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".
"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"
ποΈ 22
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οΈ Sep 14 2020
I don't think she brings a lot to the table.
ποΈ 14
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οΈ Jul 22 2020
My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
ποΈ 4
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οΈ Aug 20 2020
I always bring an extra pair of pants golfing...
...just in case I get a hole in one.
ποΈ 28
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οΈ Jan 02 2021
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?
ποΈ 25
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οΈ Nov 18 2020
Iβve trained my dog to bring me red wine.
ποΈ 6
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οΈ Oct 29 2020
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