I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing

Just incase I get a hole in one.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/rubNTugInc
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 10 2021
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No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

β€œI play a little guitar!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
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If April showers bring may flowers what do may flowers bring?

Pilgrims

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/frudedude
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 09 2021
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What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition?

A navi-gator!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 97
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kickypie
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 05 2021
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A bread demon would bring a lot of pain.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheManNamedT
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 15 2021
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So this bank robber I know brings a bathroom scale with him to every heist.

He always gets a weigh.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VictorStrawn
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2021
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This brings back memories
πŸ‘οΈŽ 385
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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My wife tells me not to listen to the voices that bring me down and make me feel worthless.

She also complains that I never listen to her.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GoodHippo9
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 20 2021
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when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 86
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 24 2020
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On the way to the therapist, I told my wife, β€œYou are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren’t you?”

She said, β€œYeah.”

I said, β€œI knew it!”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 59
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 27 2021
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Want people to show up? Bring food.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 05 2021
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This really brings back old memories
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Dank_memes-420
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 08 2020
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What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?

Nitrogen, sulfur, Fluorine, and tungsten, cause they are NSFW.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 132
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wileydan
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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Everyone seems to think next year will bring back some comforts of normalcy

I’m not so convinced though since 2021 is guaranteed to be an odd year

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/medimanager
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 31 2020
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If you sign up for an economics class, you should bring some spoiled milk on the first day.

They’re a big fan of gross domestic products.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/girloffthecob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2020
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A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.

The friend says "hey, is he yours?"

The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."

His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"

"No. I think he speaks porch geese."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 8
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/just-going-with-it
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 21 2021
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Storks bring babies, but do you know what type of birds prevent babies?

Swallows....

πŸ‘οΈŽ 77
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Photographer_Rob
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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Why do Italian people bring ravioli to birthday parties?

So they can pasta parcel!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/obiwan_kenobinil
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 15 2021
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I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 45
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.

It’s a real game changer

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/struggling-here
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 13 2021
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Who brings a linguist their Christmas presents?

Subordinate clause

πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Lawsonator85
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 06 2021
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Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...

I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 16 2021
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Don't bring cheese to a sword fight.

But if you do, make sure it's extra sharp.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 78
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Craftninja7
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 26 2020
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People ask me why I keep bring my sled to places like yard sales and the flea market

I tell them the answer is simple...Toboggan!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/canyuse
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheGogglesDo-Nothing
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 19 2020
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In an attempt to bring great pleasure to myself, I'll post controversial topics in white supremacist groups in the attempt to get funny reactions out of them.

I'm mass-turd-baiting.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Klratz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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The guy I suspect is a cannibal in the office always brings in something questionable.

Today was white chick in chili.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TitFartFerguson
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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A vulture was boarding a plane and he brought with him a dead racoon. The flight attendant, mortified by the sight and stench, pointed at the carcass and asked "Sir why did you bring a dead racoon with you."

The vulture said. "Oh this? This is my carrion luggage."

πŸ‘οΈŽ 47
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Fearless-Gas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 18 2020
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If April has May like weather then what does May weather brings?

A BOXING MATCH

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/doom_dodo
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 27 2020
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Why should you bring a pencil sharpener to every class?

So you always get the point!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/MakeMeADonut
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 21 2020
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How did one duck bring down an entire ship?

It released the Quacken.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Josentangles
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 14 2020
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I trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine.

He's a bordeaux collie.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 31
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
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So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2020
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Please bring my x back, don't ask y :(
πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Goatcheese1230
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 21 2020
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I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 10 2020
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"Spider!" yelled my wife from upstairs "bring up the newspaper".

"Fair enough," I shouted back, "which one does he want to read?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 22
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 14 2020
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I don't think she brings a lot to the table.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 14
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hilloviikot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 22 2020
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My school going son throws a tantrum everytime I bring up maths and numbers in ordinary conversations

Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 20 2020
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I always bring an extra pair of pants golfing...

...just in case I get a hole in one.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 28
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sugar_Wolf
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/questionwhatweknow
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 18 2020
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I’ve trained my dog to bring me red wine.

Hes a Bordeaux collie.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 6
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/spudgun81
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report

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