What is it you use when you want to close a sentence, and, you know stop one thing to start another; I mean how do you bring one sentence to an end so you can start another one, hang on, I’ve found it .

Apologies this was a very difficult period for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Justlikeyourmoma
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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I just had a new wash basin delivered to our house for our guest bathroom, but my wife decided that she hates the design so much she won't even let me bring it in off the porch. It has been sitting by our front door for a week, A ENTIRE WEEK.

Let that sink in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotPreacher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.

My response: Not sure son, that’s kind of a grey area.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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I should bring it to a Finnish soon.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Had this thought today and had to bring it to life
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hscook24
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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What do you call it when a waiter brings you the wrong meal?

A server error

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πŸ‘€︎ u/school-yeeter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.

I just can't part with it.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
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It's always a great idea for golfers to bring an extra pair of pants when going golfing...

Just incase they get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainB_MANN
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
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Dad brings home a nice framed photo. Me: Hey dad, are you going to put it up yourself?

Dad: No, I'm going to put it up on that wall

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prasaadii
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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I think it's TIME to bring back cat memes. They're just too adorable! Fluffers forever!
πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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My dad asked me to turn on the water heater. To which I replied β€œIt’s on”. Only to see my dad run across the kitchen yelling β€œIt’s on okay bring it no holding back!”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/twinkieded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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If the parachute doesn't open, bring it back and we will replace it.

Heard from an old Jump Instructor while handing out parachutes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/l4fngm4n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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It brings me joy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bsmyers479
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Son, it is time you hear the truth. Father Christmas and the Easter Bunny are not real. Mum and I bring you the gifts.

Son: I know Mum already told me. She also said that uncle Mike is the stork.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acbro3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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Why is it better to bring dogs into space than cats?

Because you don't have to worry about any cat-astro-fees.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sereneMelody
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2015
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Unknowingly Dad joked my mate's dad when I was 8. 14 years later he still brings it up.

I had just got my hair cut nice and short and been dropped around at my mate's house by mum. As i walk in: Mate's Dad: Hey bonya, who did ya hair cut? Me: (slightly confused) My hair didn't cut anybody...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonya
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2014
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Mom to Dad: Please bring the mayo, but check if it hasn't gone bad

Dad looking for mayo: I think its gone rogue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Juris_B
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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My buddy said he threw a stick five miles and his dog managed to find it and bring it back...

Seems a bit far-fetched.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cats_n_things
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
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I was supposed to bring home one of those coffees with icecream in it for my wife

But affogato

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pjmcshane
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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Why can't hyenas bring their food back to their dens before they eat it?

It'd be too much carrion'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhedkiex
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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They said it’s a bring-your-own-alcohol party

But when the guests arrived the hosts took the alcohol and divided it among all the guests.

β€œWhat type of party is this!?” exclaimed a guest.

One of the hosts smiled and replied, β€œA communist party.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/halagabir
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
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I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.

I just can't stand it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leve1e1even
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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Cole's law states that you must bring it to picnics.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rigamarolexq
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2017
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Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office reddit.com/r/Jokes/commen…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xTheAddy
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
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Some people see names engraved on trees and think that it is sweet. I think, who brings a knife on a date?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NORM5000
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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Why didn’t the photon bring it’s suitcase?

Because it was traveling light!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mase_in_mass
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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I talk about the song Uptown Funk all the time and always bring it up in conversations.

Don’t believe me? Just watch.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RichNCrispy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2017
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My dad has told this one a hundred times and it still brings him to tears from laughter

So there was a high school dance and at that dance there was a boy with a wooden eye and a girl with a hair lip. The boy walks over to her and asks her if she would like to dance. "Oh would I!", she says. He responds saying, "shut up hair lip!"

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/llamalord421
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2013
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What’s it called when you ask for Oreos but they bring you Hydrox?

Snacrilege!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlelordgenius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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I flew home for Christmas and decided to bring back a global domination-themed board game. I recognize that it could have been dangerous to bring that game on the plane...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tasty_rogue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2014
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A waiter brings a small post-it note to a couple instead of a menu.

It has "You look lovely" and "I love what you've done with your hair" written on it. The couple look confused and ask the waiter what's going on.

"Compliments of the Chef." he says.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaenysSeregaryen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
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Work IT and girl brings laptop that she spilled coffee on

As protocol, we always recommend that the client turns off their laptop after a spill.

My boss walks by and says "You know, she's gonna have to put her laptop to sleep but now it won't be able to!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lumshot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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A man orders an egg sandwich. The waiter brings it to him, and the man looks at it suspiciously. He asks for the chef to come see him. The chef walks up and says "Is there a problem?" The man replies back "I'm sorry, but this egg looks retarded." So the chef says...

"Well, it's in bread."

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πŸ“…︎ May 18 2015
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My dad's favorite joke (I've seen it bring him to tears when he's told it before)

What did the pirate with a steering wheel in his pants say?

"Arggh, you're drivin' me nuts!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ferlgatr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2013
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