My Story Puns

My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”

Needless to say I was in stitches.

It was about a dinosaur. I can't get into it right now, it was a long tail

When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.

We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"

Que the groan.

Well, children, this is a one-story house.

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”

I knead one of those!!

Dad, are you sure that new deadbolt was man-door-tory??

Making daddy proud.

I told him "the best way to break that addiction is to quit cold turkey"

While on vacation to a Caribbean island, he was Tropic Al

As a master gardener, he is Botanic Al

When the people need a doctor, he is Medic Al

When he tells clever jokes, he’s Comic Al

He can look two ways at once as Bidirection Al

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

It was legend dairy.

...Colby

But it's just a running joke among friends

It was so small that I couldn't even see it at first. She had to point it out, a tiny brown pinhead crawling up our slightly-darker-brown cabinet about knee-high.

"How did you even see that?" I asked.

And she answered, "With my spider-sense."

I love this woman so, so much.

So they're pretty much all one-liners.

After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"

"...the boy returned to his camp, where a rabbit was cooking..."
My son: cooking what?

He sure loves his cock-tales.

I actually made it up.

It’s a long one

“Yep, that’s all she wrote!”

"She became a little spore addict."

It was an inn-side joke.

How boring!

Police tried to get it out of that area, but it was rather emuvable...

"I killed these ten Dons..."

It's old butt gold.

She said, "What's Toy Story 4?"

"Entertainment," I replied.

A couple of hours later, I text my wife

"I don't want to alarm you, but I'm the hospital"

edit: the original message

So I told him one my father told me and his father, etc.

 One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you don’t think this story is true son then ask the blind man he saw it too. 

He looked at me and said “that doesn’t make any sense!”

“It doesn’t make any dollars either, son.”

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete

"Son, violins is not the answer".

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.

Rolling back 40 yrs or so, here's the story I told to my 2nd grade class.

To catch an elephant, you first need to go to the jungle where elephants are found. Then you cut down all the trees in a big circle, and dig a hole out. Put the trees in the hole and burn them down to ashes. Carefully line the edge of the hole with peas.

And when an Elephant comes to take a Pea, you kick him in the Ash-Hole!

Everyone about died. Hell, even the teacher and principal were laughing about it. Dad was amused. Mom was not.

I said, "Oh, how'd you get that?"

He was like, "I honestly don't remember, I came home and noticed it."

I put my hand on his forehead and said, "Do you have a fever?"

He said, "Nope, I feel fine."

And I said, "Good ............... it's not a cat scratch then."

He still gets mad about when I bring it up.

It was a pretty funny tangent, though

He loves being in the limelight.

When I asked her about it she said, "Yeah, I'm a tea-se."

But there was no point!

I'm a nanny, the family I work for typically hang out for 10-30 minutes before the parents leave me and baby alone, just to chat and catch up, as well as to mitigate any potential meltdowns from a sudden leaving.

Anyway, Baby has started walking and is very keen to investigate everything. Yesterday he was headed straight to the electrical outlet. So I said to him, "oh no that's not a toy! Our fingers don't go there,"

Dad says, "baby disagrees"

"That's shocking."

Dad, "That's better than any dad joke I've come up with"