When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

Turns out identity theft is a crime

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small mother in the UK?

Minimum

πŸ‘︎ 150
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xace49
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ogury
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04
🚨︎ report
Hey! Don’t speak to your mother like that. She is a saint...

Bernard

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deep_dybala
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21
🚨︎ report
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight

She's my aunt

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.

You could say I have a killer sense of humor.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshWFPikachu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Russel Crow's recent problems with cannibalism? At first he expressed shame about eating the mother of two.

But upon further consideration he was gladiator.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AShiggles
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
My mother’s leg was amputated 2 years ago. I wrote this punderful post to make her smile. It was more than successful and also impressed her doctor.
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?

Magma

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GardenData61371
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
My wife's mother is a lawyer.

I have a mother-in-law.

πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mayhemismanly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?

Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jezzter88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?

"Where on Earth have you been?"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dulfuckyourself
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
My sister may be a single mother but she had an amazing dad joke..

She was giving my niece (3) and nephew (6) a bath. When they were done, the kids used their towels as capes and were running around naked yelling 'we are super heroes!!' My sister responded with, 'I don't think think there are any naked superheroes... Except maybe The Flash.'

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
A player asked why I shut down the soccer game suddenly when his mother started cussing and yelling...

I replied, "ask your mom. The reason is a parent."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers

Theres always missing paren

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
Signed, Horshack's Mother.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jackalopeguy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I get my deep well of empathy from my mother, obviously.
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PupperPuppet
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.

I said, β€œI refuse to make blanket statements.”

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
My mother asked me if my dog was good

I said β€œYeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04
🚨︎ report
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate

I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/4x4Welder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
Dad: β€œSon, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”

Son: β€œWow really? Can I come too?”

Dad: β€œFour shore!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/misplacedfreckles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
🚨︎ report
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it

I told her it’s so he can cut corners

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CpnCodpiece
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24
🚨︎ report
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...

Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son

Beehive

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rayanDar420
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
Its hard being a teenage mother

Especially when you're a teenage male.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Samarpaul77
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied β€œbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?

Momorial Day

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Your mother's been turned into a bed.

You put her out of her misery and commit matresscide.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Moonyasnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
and that kids is how i met your mother
πŸ‘︎ 275
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/juheelsejpal
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
Kids and I are making burgers for my wife on Mother's Day....

I hope they meat her expectations

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Whiskylover2121
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...

Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...

Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Costoffreedom
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23
🚨︎ report
I told my dad, β€œDon’t forget tomorrow is Mother’s Day!”

Dad : Don’t forget it’s son day too.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.

I made several good points.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.

We looked in every nook and granny!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?

I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Photog77
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
My mother sent this to me...
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bio1203
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Mother’s and Father’s day only happens once every year

But Son day happens once every week

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EarlBoiBlue
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....

Artichoke(d)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotAnotherAndy
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
What did the redditor say to his mother while waiting for her to get the automobile out of the garage?

Get the kar-ma!

I’ll see myself out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bijan_T
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
What is Darth Vader’s Mother’s favourite song?

Mum mum mum, mum mum mum, mum mum mummmmmmm

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
I just discovered that Cardi B's mother was one of the Spice Girls.

Stage name: Cardamom

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaxxonn26
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!

She's a grammy winner!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
In The Matrix, Neo's mother was good at addition

She knew how to carry The One

πŸ‘︎ 563
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/polyworfism
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Me and my mother-in-law's relationship in a nut shell.
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/usdsquare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?

It'll be covered in grandmoss.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
I left it late to get a gift for my mum for Mother’s Day. Ended up at a petrol station. I bought her some Lorry Oil...

β€˜Cos she’s worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
Father’s Day and Mother’s Day only happens once a year, and that’s so unfair...

Son Day happens once a week.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stonewise
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...

I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
🚨︎ report
I learned the name of Baby Yoda's mother...

It's "Yomama"

πŸ‘︎ 249
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."

Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arceist_Justin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
Is mother is ravioli in her grave
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saintnickfun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.

She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?

I SAID NO-vember.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zjh31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
A little boy watched, fascinated as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face. "Why are you rubbing that on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful!" said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report
Glory to Mother Rosya!
πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/terrologist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when your mother disappears without a trace?

Mama MIA

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustPlayn10
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15
🚨︎ report
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?

A parallelogramma

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bonelessbaguette
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?

Mumbai

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanpaa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
A mother said to her son, "Look at that kid over there, he's not misbehaving"

The son replied, "Maybe he has good parents then"

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
I got my mother a new fridge for her birthday.

I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it

πŸ‘︎ 489
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iiya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence

...and I got to keep mine.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/K0ilar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain β€œdon’t you give me that altitude!!”
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/njo71357
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
When Chuck Norris was a baby, his mother called him Chuckie.

Once.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
My mother is on a sea food diet. . .

She seas food and she eats it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?

Taco ma

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jazzyute22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
What does Charlie Sheen call his mother?

Ma Sheen.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealTripleH
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
What's sometimes your mother, sometimes your father and always made of glass?

Transparent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOneTruJordan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to dinner with a cannibal family I know. The conversation was flowing. Their daughter suddenly piped up β€œMummy I don’t like Nanny”. The mother replied...

β€œWell leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

She didn't laugh but I hope you folks did.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thunderup_14
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Dyslexic boy asks his mother for a mcdonald’s, she goes only if you can spell it, he then says okay mum I’ll have a kcf
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackTMJones
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.

I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
β€œHow dare you disobey your mother!”

a father yells at his daughter. β€œDo you think you’re better than I am or something?”

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nihilman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05
🚨︎ report
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should of seen her face when I drove pasta

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?

Vigil aunties.

πŸ‘︎ 137
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shoppingcartoast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small mother in the UK?

Minimum

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xace49
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a small mother ?

A minimum

πŸ‘︎ 130
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me which one of her mother’s quilts I preferred.

I said, β€œI refuse to make blanket statements.”

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
What's sometimes your mother, sometimes your father and always made of glass?

Transparent,

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOneTruJordan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"

Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report

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