These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns....
This dad joke's more of a mom pun. She wasn't impressed, regardless.
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
*For context, today is my birthday* my mom says "does anyone have a match?" And without hesitation, my 70 year old father says
"I haven't had a fair match since Superman died"
The most dad-thing I've heard him say in a long time. Made me proud
Son: Mom, what are you doing?
Mom: I'm putting on my makeup.
Son: What does the makeup do?
Mom: It's making me prettier
Son: I'm not sure if it's working, mom.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face
When my mom told me she wanted to be a man, I couldn't see her anymore...
Because she was trans parent
My mom did not like my pun.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
If your mom slaps you with high frequency
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
How do you call a ghost mom and dad? Transparent
My mom's sisters are free from covid19
Thwy got great auntie bodies
Mom moves expensive cuts of beef into the top shelf.
Dad: The steaks have never been higher.
My mom's a vegetarian and i have some meatatarian friends. i myself like to eat people.
I'd say i'm a humanitarian.
I am a unique hybrid of two exceptional athletes. My mom was all-American sprinter and my dad qualified for the Olympic marathon.
So naturally, I have been genetically gifted with the ability to run relatively slowly over very short distances.
Dad:"I need to call the doctor today." Mom:" Which doctor?"
Dad: "No the regular kind."
I told my mom that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for the next few months.
She said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
My Mom’s sister came down with Coronavirus so I bought her a new computer.
The warranty claimed it had free “aunty-virus” protection software.
[META] Dad jokes should be clean, not just groan-inducing. That's what makes it a Dad joke, we can tell it to the kids in front of Mom and not get in trouble (other than maybe for the punchline).
My mom was having a panic attack and wanted to leave
But I told her “Nah ma, stay”
6 days into my quarantine and my mom is getting tired of my jokes.
I guess I'm the mom now...
My wife was doing a crossword puzzle and one of the answers was Michael Pena.
I said,"who the hell is Michael Pena?"
She said, "Sub's brother"
"Who the hell is Sub?"
".... Sub Pena?"
Happy mothers day everyone.
"Ya know, flies bug me. Literally."
She literally just said that.
What did Baby Corn say to his mom?
My mom made pancakes for dinner
When I was making the flag of China, I asked my mom to rate my work.
All of my mom's sisters are incredibly healthy
thanks to all of their auntie-bodies.
I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
Mom: My butt hurts
Dad: You mean you have disbumfort
What's the best crime for a single mom to commit?
Do mom jokes count?
Mom: Guess who I saw today!
Mom: Everyone I looked at!
My dad told me that a doctor used to date my mom while she was seeing my dad so he used to give her an apple every day
Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away
When i asked my mom what she gave me for my birthday.
She said," i gave you the present ".
Is it true that Mom's making spaghetti?
What do you call a ghost’s mom and dad?
My Mom said my Dad can be a little feminine at time with his feelings.
My Dad responded that he was trying to be trans-parent.
My mom was telling me to do my homework
But since we’re all in quarantine all work is homework
I cried when my mom chopped onions
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
I think I've discovered the "Mom Joke"
So I'm making diner....BBQ.....and I asked my wife if she could wash the Caesar and she replied that she'd rather not as he's been dead for some time now...... -.-
My mom started a factory that produces chewing gum flavoring. She got rich.
My mom's sisters said they are immune to all viruses.
They said it's because of their aunt-ey bodies.
My mom bought me a cheap dictionary for my birthday
I couldn’t find the words to thank her.
What did Dad give Mom on her anniversary?
My mom would always yell at me for fibbin' to her
She'd walk into my room and I'd just look at her and say "0 1 1 2 3 5 8 13 21"
“Mom,” I asked curiously, “how much do you weigh?”
“Tread lightly,” my father warned, “because your mother can’t.”
Dad is taking a flight today so asked my mom if he got off without a hitch
“Yes. The hitch was too heavy to bring along.”
My family was eating birthday cake, and one of the he toppings looked like striped bark, so my mom asked my dad, " Do you want a bark?"
And my dad replied, "Ruff!"
I liked it but everyone else groaned
From my dad, a minute ago: “your mom and I went to a completely pitch black restaurants once”
“They didn’t have any seafood there!”
What's your mom's favorite contraction
My mom and dad helped me tie my bow tie and I thought it looked cool
What did the little shrimp told his mom when she asked him why he wouldn't share his toys ?
My mom used to tell me if I ate all my meat I would become as strong as an ox, but that couldn't be true
because I've never seen an ox eating meat.
Why did your mom allow you to be exposed to preventable illnesses?
Because they're not Karen for you
My mom was telling puns at dinner
My dad responded: alright punny, that's enough. It's my turn.
The groan from everyone was like an earthquake
I work in retail and today a mom asked about “My Hero Macadamia”
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Last night your mom and I watched three movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
MOM: I always see those same two homeless people kissing or holding hands. How sweet. See, even life's unfortunates can know love!
DAD: Those are tweakers, hon. They're either speed dating or just mething around.
MOM: I don't know why I married you.
My mom's personalized number plate says "IS♥️ED" and we always believed that it was short for "Is Loved." But then my dad had to ruin it for us all when he said it meant:
My mom asked me if I wanted a glass of wine. I said to her “wine not”
My wife showed me her mom’s quilts, and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"
I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offender‽"
Me: Mom where do I find the rice in the store?
Mom: (points) you find it rice there.
My moms putting curtains up. Perfect pun opportunity.
Mom: “Matthew! Can you grab the screws please?”
Me: “Oh screw this.”
Mom: “Can you grab some nails?”
Me: “Yup.” Sees the curtains up “Oh wow you’re really nailing it.”
Mom: “The drills on the counter. Would you mind...”
Me: “Don’t worry. I know the drill by now.”
The most attractive thing about your mom...
Is her gravitational pull
My mom always laughed when I said I'd make a car out of spaghetti
But you should've seen her face when I drove pasta.
Dad, that man accused you and Mom of being something called pyromaniacs. Is that true?
Yesterday, my mom didn’t expect that my dad’s new year’s resolution was to stop looking at other women’s breasts.
I guess hindsight is 2020
I told my mom to teach my kids her skills in making bread and pasta from scratch
Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”
Dad : “No, the regular kind.”
My mom bought me a cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.