You know the first french fries, wasnt actually cooked in France but in Greece...😂
My dad was born in Japan. We're an average looking white family. My dad says he doesn't look Asian because when he crossed the ocean he became disoriented.
Driving through Groton, VT and my dad says "lets stop for some potatoes au groton (like au gratin)." then he laughed for 15 minutes
For the record, my dad didn't say any of these. Also, they get kind of weird near the end.
My vacuum sucks, or, rather, doesn't suck.
That drawing looks sketchy. Something about it looks... shady.
Lightbulb is a smart guy. Some might even say he's bright.
"Mmm, cheesy" he says as he takes the macaroni out of the oven.
When entering a planetarium, my father mentioned how he'd like some cookies with his Milky Way.
Oreolas = cookie nipples (Couldn't really think of a way to set this one up that didn't make it even more awkward.)
"Underwear? Under there?" My dad mentioned as he put his pants away.
Edit: If you've any others, share them in the comments!
>Do you know where the smartest and most reasonable people work? > At the US mint, because all they do is make cents!
I thought it was over and then two minutes further into the lecture.... >Do you know where else really smart and reasonable people work? > At a perfume factory! All they do is make scents!
Now I am just sitting here posting this and trying to think of more puns...
Driving with Dad listening to some pop music station. Meghan Trainor comes on the radio.
Dad: "Hey did you know that Muslims love Meghan Trainor?"
Me: How do you know that?
Dad: "I just heard they're Allah bout that bass."
Me: "Yea, it was intense"
Dad: "Like the indians..." flahes goofy smile in anticipation for laughs
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
"Hola milk, soy dad."
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
I must not have Reddit right.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn't”
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
It’s fully groan.
It’s Three To One.
When the punchline is a parent
Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.
But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in t... keep reading on reddit ➡
Those were Goodyears
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes”
I’m glad he still has his sense of humor through these tough times
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
He wanted to be a millionaire too
He said no it doesn’t
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
They are a big part of pop culture
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
I have an uncle, once removed.
Whether you groan or moan
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk”
I feel with my hands.
That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich
It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
Analysts say it's the worst pundemic ever recorded in modern history.
He immediately said, “Well, I wouldn’t eat them.”
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
It'll become apparent
Me: it’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: it’s a sockrifice.
(This was an actual joke made by my actual dad today.)
But when I do, he laughs.
"You just follow the instructions."
"Yeah, they're the ones."
Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, “hey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?
“Oh so they’re just letting anyone in here?”
My wife: hey (son's name) I need to sweep the floor, can you please bring me the broom?
My son: OK broomer!
I never got a straight answer.
DAD : "poof , you are now a sandwich"
I know he meant well
"And then we'll see."
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it... keep reading on reddit ➡
It was his final Legacy.
When it's full groan.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.”
“Okay, dad. What is it?”
“You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.”
“Why would I post that, dad?”
“Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
Hi, Going to tell my first dad joke, I'm dad
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
You become full groan
He didn't think he would win, but he just wanted to check.
Dad: Wrong. It's tea.
That can't be father from the truth.
From the dada-base. :)
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
A buddhist monk had a religious crisis. He open a tub of margarine and saw the face of Jesus. He said to himself "I can't believe it's not buddha." (Prounounced buddah)
"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.
Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.
I guess you could say it was a net gain
Based on a true story
I store them in my dad-a-base.
When it becomes apparent
When it becomes apparent