You know the first french fries, wasnt actually cooked in France but in Greece...😂
My dad was born in Japan. We're an average looking white family. My dad says he doesn't look Asian because when he crossed the ocean he became disoriented.
Driving through Groton, VT and my dad says "lets stop for some potatoes au groton (like au gratin)." then he laughed for 15 minutes
For the record, my dad didn't say any of these. Also, they get kind of weird near the end.
My vacuum sucks, or, rather, doesn't suck.
That drawing looks sketchy. Something about it looks... shady.
Lightbulb is a smart guy. Some might even say he's bright.
"Mmm, cheesy" he says as he takes the macaroni out of the oven.
When entering a planetarium, my father mentioned how he'd like some cookies with his Milky Way.
Oreolas = cookie nipples (Couldn't really think of a way to set this one up that didn't make it even more awkward.)
"Underwear? Under there?" My dad mentioned as he put his pants away.
Edit: If you've any others, share them in the comments!
>Do you know where the smartest and most reasonable people work? > At the US mint, because all they do is make cents!
I thought it was over and then two minutes further into the lecture.... >Do you know where else really smart and reasonable people work? > At a perfume factory! All they do is make scents!
Now I am just sitting here posting this and trying to think of more puns...
Driving with Dad listening to some pop music station. Meghan Trainor comes on the radio.
Dad: "Hey did you know that Muslims love Meghan Trainor?"
Me: How do you know that?
Dad: "I just heard they're Allah bout that bass."
Me: "Yea, it was intense"
Dad: "Like the indians..." flahes goofy smile in anticipation for laughs
I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”
Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
I’m a faux pa.
Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.
I feel like a father figure now.
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
But when I do, he laughs.
He doesn’t drink, it's just that he's really bad at crossword puzzles...
We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.
Luckily the neighbor hit me with a few good jokes as we got home! Cheered me right up!
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
Me: "wow ... that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Sometimes he even laughs.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level.
Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers.
At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front
That’s a number one dad
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill?
Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant... dead ant dead ant....
Nope I got them all cut.
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
My 2 year old has cereal in her snack cup and just showed me that there was a piece of cereal in her sleeve. I said, "Looks like you got some tricks up your sleeve." GUESS WHAT KIND OF CEREAL SHE WAS EATING!.....IT WAS TRIX!
Edit: Thanks for my first gold!
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
He said, "I gotta P" I assumed he meant piss but he pulled out a Piece of paper that had the letter P on it and handed to me Then he said, "Now you gotta P"
I'm still laughing
Edit: he did this and in front of my family and made me laugh my ass off
Or would that be a faux pa?
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
When it beocmes apparent
I said, "You did not." She glares at me, "Yes I did." Me, "You did knot." She grudgingly accepts reality and stomps away, head shaking.
I told my daughter she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I can’t believe I’ve been pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Edit: this joke was straight up stolen from professional comedian Nick Nemeroff. I heard it on the radio so I didn’t have his name handy and thought it was awesome for this sub and had to post it before I forgot it. Thanks to Nick for commenting here below so that I could give him credit.
I said, “No. Get your fax straight.”
A wonderful father.
My 14yo son draws comics every night on a whiteboard of his bedroom door. This is what I saw this morning...
He said you had to see what type of river it was before you decide how to cross it.
But be glad you haven’t heard of grandpuns.
First time, don’t bully me
I must not have Reddit right.
He never quite got the hang of assembling Ikea furniture.
Dad: “no sun?”
Son: “you don’t even want to take a guess?”
Dad: “no sun!”
Son: “you’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun”
I was hungry af yesterday and I called my dad to buy something to eat
Me: Dad, I'm Hungry
Dad: Hey hungry, I'm dad!
All these years I was so cautious not to fall for it and yesterday was the first time my guard was lowered and he used the opportunity!
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
He started clapping.
(Obligatory: actually happened today, my mom messaged me to complain about his bad joke. I thought it was fucking hilarious.)
For context: we have a vegetable garden and a dog named Max
During dinner, my mom remarked how her stir fry was made almost entirely out of vegetables from our garden except the eggs, to which my dad said “well then we’ll just have to raise some chickens.”
I reply, “well what about Max?”, implying that he might attack the chickens.
And without hesitation my dad replies, “well he can’t lay eggs”
"We're lucky it didn't snow." "Why?" I asked "Imagine shoveling snow in this heat!"
“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
"No son, have you seen my dadglasses?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary,"
Me: "No it doesn't”
He retorted, "Don't call me Three Years Old I'm Dad."
I have never been more proud.
When asked how they fit he replied: "like a cheaply made castle, no ballroom".
I said, "Ok, boomer."
When it becomes apparent.
Son: what did the fig say to the table?
Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?
Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!
Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.
My dad said, “No. Pets are just a step backwards.”
No, it’s definitely not Y.
I prefer father figure
Today I held up three colored balls in my hand. One red, one green, and one blue. My 1yr old son (after much debate) chose the red one. I’ve never been so proud. He has earned the right to play with my old game boy now.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
He's not dead, just really condescending.
"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"
What are your best dad jokes for the maternity visit? The baby is days away and I need an arsenal for these here finger guns (☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
Yes we arson
But the jokes couldn’t be any cornea.
Unless everyone gets them
Dad: Because I want to know.
It’s fully groan.
She's 7, here's her attempt:
I saw someone on the couch, with no beard and my husband has a beard and my real husband started screaming "he's trying to steal all your money." That's the joke. Well, it might not be a joke, but it's funny. And then I said "it's you, you idiot, you shaved your beard off." It's a dad joke because it has a dad in it.
When the punchline is apparent.....
An elevator can raise a family.
Me: yes Dad: then you should stand in a corner Me: why Dad: because it’s 90 degrees
I bet you didn't see that coming 😁
You may have seen my other post a couple weeks back about die hard 4 and it got really popular and now my dad has made another joke and I want to prove to him that this was a bad one.
When the Russian guy was pushed off the building by mcclaines son and sliced by the helicopter, my dad said, “he got choppered.” Am I wrong or was this one a bad one?