My wife called me at work and said βitβs time, the baby is comingβ
I said thatβs impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
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︎ May 01 2021
What did the baby lightbulb say to the mama lightbulb?
I love you watts and watts
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︎ Jun 04 2021
I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...
Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.
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︎ May 20 2021
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
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︎ May 08 2021
What did the hamburger name it's baby?
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︎ May 23 2021
(true story) My wife asked why I was hiding some baby formula in the closet.
I told her "because it's my secret formula"!
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︎ May 31 2021
My wife asked me why I want a new baby
I told her, βJust for shits and gigglesβ
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︎ May 17 2021
A band of armed babies...
Can you call them the infantry?
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︎ May 01 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
Baby On Board
https://preview.redd.it/m782qosgso071.png?width=1000&format=png&auto=webp&s=38e77cc922e625e11aff51751eb8e15f6cb8d2ff
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︎ May 22 2021
What do you call a baby toucan?
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︎ May 23 2021
Baby Roach: βPapa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?β
Papa Roach: βSuffocation. No breathing.β
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︎ May 14 2021
My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.
He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.
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︎ May 02 2021
How do you call an army unit of babies?
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︎ May 26 2021
Watched the cows pick up some baby goats on their way across the field today.
I guess the kids are part of the moovement now.
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︎ May 31 2021
What do you call a baby goat that knows martial arts?
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︎ May 25 2021
My wife looked at the baby monitor and said, "Oh, the baby is stirring."
I said, "Well, take away his spoon!"
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︎ May 26 2021
what do you call it when you put a baby on a piece of 4x4?
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︎ May 23 2021
My best friend just had a baby and said he can't hang around with me this weekend.
You've known the baby for only 1 day and mee for 16 years, but okay.
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︎ May 13 2021
Who do baby crabs send letters to at Christmas?
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︎ May 20 2021
Shopping for a Baby monitor
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︎ Nov 19 2020
Why does the baby smile everytime his mom exercises?
He really likes milkshakes.
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︎ May 20 2021
While I like cute baby sloth videos, they can be a little slow...
.. But Screaming Goat videos are the Greatest Of All Time!
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︎ Apr 29 2021
How do you get an astronautβs baby to sleep?
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︎ May 13 2021
Where do baby cats swim?
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︎ May 06 2021
Nicknamed my baby Vladimir
βcause she always Putin.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
If the stork is the burd that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies ?
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︎ Mar 30 2021
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
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︎ Aug 19 2020
I once slept like a baby overnight in jail
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︎ May 01 2021
My buddy used his stimulus check to buy some baby chickens
He got his money for nothinβ and his chicks for free
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Ole and Lena were driving home from town when Ole hit a momma skunk and managed to miss her 3 babies.
Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"
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︎ Apr 19 2021
What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?
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︎ May 01 2021
Oh my baby heβs drowning!!!
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Saw this one in Walmart, itβs a baby shirt!!
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︎ Feb 14 2021
Whatβs the perfect name for a baby boy whoβs half white, half Indian?
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Bruce Springsteen: Baby, we are born to run!
Bruce Springsadult: Letβs just take a cab.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Babies are like opinions...
Nobody wants to hear yours.
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︎ Feb 17 2021
What do baby parabolas drink?
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︎ Mar 21 2021
My toddler keeps sticking that baby booger sucker in her nose...
She's got great aspirations.
No, really...
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︎ Apr 21 2021
Baby seal walks into a club
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Why does nobody trust the baby salmon?
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︎ Apr 12 2021
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Changing babies
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︎ Feb 25 2021
*howls aggressively* "IM GOIN ALL IN BABY"
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︎ Jan 11 2021
At a neighborhood party, my wife asked if I wanted to change the baby.
I said, βNot really. I like him the way he is.β
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︎ Apr 07 2021
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
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︎ Mar 15 2021
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