My wife called me at work and said β€œit’s time, the baby is coming”

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stairsmaster
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
What did the baby lightbulb say to the mama lightbulb?

I love you watts and watts

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
I'm a 40 year old woman who delivers babies for a living and I just bought a brand new Corvette...

Everyone thinks I'm have a Midwife crisis.

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippyGoods
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Noobinoa
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
What did the hamburger name it's baby?

Patty.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
(true story) My wife asked why I was hiding some baby formula in the closet.

I told her "because it's my secret formula"!

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me why I want a new baby

I told her, β€œJust for shits and giggles”

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvalleli
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
A band of armed babies...

Can you call them the infantry?

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombiesAtHome
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24
🚨︎ report
Baby On Board

https://preview.redd.it/m782qosgso071.png?width=1000&format=png&auto=webp&s=38e77cc922e625e11aff51751eb8e15f6cb8d2ff

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/l1r2
πŸ“…︎ May 22
🚨︎ report
What do you call a baby toucan?

A onecan.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Baby Roach: β€œPapa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?”

Papa Roach: β€œSuffocation. No breathing.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunPeach0
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
My wife mentioned that our baby chews everything. I told her that he's really going to cost us money.

He chews through paper, plastic and the other day he Bitcoins.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gherkinstein
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
How do you call an army unit of babies?

INFANTry

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salttrooper222
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Watched the cows pick up some baby goats on their way across the field today.

I guess the kids are part of the moovement now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
What do you call a baby goat that knows martial arts?

The Karate Kid!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AnAsianNerd123
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
My wife looked at the baby monitor and said, "Oh, the baby is stirring."

I said, "Well, take away his spoon!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/texas1st
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
what do you call it when you put a baby on a piece of 4x4?

Baby on Board

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenFuzzNuts
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
My best friend just had a baby and said he can't hang around with me this weekend.

You've known the baby for only 1 day and mee for 16 years, but okay.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Who do baby crabs send letters to at Christmas?

Santa Claws

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
Shopping for a Baby monitor
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does the baby smile everytime his mom exercises?

He really likes milkshakes.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ May 20
🚨︎ report
While I like cute baby sloth videos, they can be a little slow...

.. But Screaming Goat videos are the Greatest Of All Time!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jester1525
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
How do you get an astronaut’s baby to sleep?

You rocket.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClaraLaraMeadie
πŸ“…︎ May 13
🚨︎ report
Where do baby cats swim?

The kitty pool

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kassinboots
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
Nicknamed my baby Vladimir

β€˜cause she always Putin.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/missmyrajv
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
If the stork is the burd that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies ?

The Swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?

Stake n shake!

(I'm not sure if this is a regional restaurant but I assure you it exists.)

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieHeyHeyHeyOh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26
🚨︎ report
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I once slept like a baby overnight in jail

I felt well arrested

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
My buddy used his stimulus check to buy some baby chickens

He got his money for nothin’ and his chicks for free

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/larryb78
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
Ole and Lena were driving home from town when Ole hit a momma skunk and managed to miss her 3 babies.

Lena could not leave them on the side of the road so they scooped the babies up and put them in the car. As they drove the baby skunks managed to make their way from the floor up Lena's dress and settled on her lap. Lena looked at Ole and said "the skunks are under my dress". Ole said "Zat's OK dear zey are settled down". Lena said "Vhat about the smell?". Ole said, "Oh, don't worry dear they will get used to it!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?

Fawn dew.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Oh my baby he’s drowning!!!

Oh the human-itee

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RobotReceptionist
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Saw this one in Walmart, it’s a baby shirt!!
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
What’s the perfect name for a baby boy who’s half white, half Indian?

Rajer

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Winterhats
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19
🚨︎ report
Bruce Springsteen: Baby, we are born to run!

Bruce Springsadult: Let’s just take a cab.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
Babies are like opinions...

Nobody wants to hear yours.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
What do baby parabolas drink?

A quadratic formula.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ewatomi1960
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
My toddler keeps sticking that baby booger sucker in her nose...

She's got great aspirations.

No, really...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Baby seal walks into a club

What a tragedy...

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheProffalken
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30
🚨︎ report
Why does nobody trust the baby salmon?

It's a little fishy.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kartenhouse
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?

For resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viocult
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
Changing babies
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
*howls aggressively* "IM GOIN ALL IN BABY"
πŸ‘︎ 158
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_thunder_struck_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
At a neighborhood party, my wife asked if I wanted to change the baby.

I said, β€œNot really. I like him the way he is.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?

You get a womb with a view.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johno_mendo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15
🚨︎ report

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