read β€œtwix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
πŸ‘︎ 142
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
For years, my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn’t help me at all.

πŸ‘︎ 171
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ventanaman
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and st

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the coal mining startup that used child labor? Thankfully they caught it early.

So it was only a minor minor miner issue.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shargus_live
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
Do you know why I was sent to the coal mines as a child?

Because I was a minor.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-taco-rice-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
Why can you see through a parent of a transgender child?

they are TRANSparent <3

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/misteruniicorn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
A farmer's son finally got married and had a child.

As a gift, the farmer gave his son a carton of rotten eggs and said:

"Son, as a new Dad, you are gonna need a lot of bad yokes"

PS: My middle son and I have had hours of fun making up dad jokes with puns about eggs. One Christmas, after about an hour during dinner, we were shut down by the family. The kids says: I know when I'm beaten.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/erleichda70-
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 314
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EnUddaGamer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
Me: hello 911?!? My wife is going into labor Op: is this her first child?!!?

Me: No this is her husband!!!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chael809
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
My parents took me to a child psychologist once, but that was a complete disaster.

The kid was only six years old.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
My husband walked into the proctologists office, and I knew then that the doctor must have a child as well when I heard the words from the other side of the door,

>Here comes the plane!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
I'm convinced I had Covid as a child...

My mom tells me I was hospitalized with pneumonia after handling a bat.

Frankly, I'm amazed all baseball players don't have it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shmavalanche
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02
🚨︎ report
Child: Dad, I don't think this dish is entirely edible

Dad: You can do it. Bay Leaf in yourself.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/apothecaragorn19
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
Back in the day, I used to be a madlad. Then I had a child....

That’s when I became a dadlad

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DL14Nibba
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Currently in the hospital after the birth of our third child. Wife talking to lactation consultant about supply vs demand.

I chime in, "Sounds like MILKroeconomics 101."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
What did the Buffalo say to his child?

Bi-son

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Why was the child arrest for not taking a nap?

He was guilty of resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aplay1
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
As a child I lost some family members to choking. My brother choked, my mother choked and now I find out that my.....

Artichoke(d)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotAnotherAndy
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
What did the buffalo say when his child left for college?

Bison

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
As a child...

As a child growing up, everyone scoffed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian when I was older.

Well nobody is laughing now...

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Watford7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07
🚨︎ report
When dad took the family to Florida, we finally got to see the place his boat was docked as a child...

It was good to see dad's berth place.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
Did you know a school of piranha can devour a child in 30 seconds

Anyhow today I lost my job at the aquarium

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01
🚨︎ report
What happened to the jewish childs foreskin?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
What day was my child born on?

Son day.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/13toycar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
Me: My wife is going into labor! Operator: Is this her first child?

Me: No it’s her husband......

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."

Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arceist_Justin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?

The aftermath.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TestSubject_02
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
In light of current events, I've been doing some self reflection and I came to the conclusion that I need to be more like a German child.

I need to be kinder.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/strmgdndl
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25
🚨︎ report
Sushi my child. Be silent.
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arbitrary_Bastion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.

When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"

πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the child cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaymb90
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17
🚨︎ report
A conversation between a child and dad in their home country Switzerland

Child : Dad, what's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland.

Dad: The flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnreese421
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
The roof is not my child

But I will raise it.

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife gave birth to our child today. Everything went well, the baby is healthy and I'm very happy

If you're here looking for a punchline, you probably won't find it. This was just about the delivery

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chadnav
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
🚨︎ report
If my child won't go to bed, I'll have him put in jail.

For resisting A Rest

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/alunde05ps
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19
🚨︎ report
My child keeps saying small groups of words together

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whysomanyemmas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
If a child is refusing to take their nap or go to bed... can I call the cops on them?

Technically they are resisting a rest!

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilWebMistress
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
A child asks his dad, what does a solar eclipse mean.

His dad replied, "no son".

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MahdeenSky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
When I was a child I was over my grandmothers house watching a movie, when suddenly I heard my grandmother shout from upstairs "Call me an ambulance!"

I found it odd, but she sounded serious, so I shouted back up "Grandma, you're an ambulance!" and continued watching my movie. At the end of the movie I was still confused about why she wanted me to call her an ambulance so I went upstairs to ask her.

Sadly, when I got up there I found her on the floor dead. I never did find out why she said that.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptionClosed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
Gary from Pokemon had a child with a Spanish lady.

His son was Garydos.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roastytoastywarm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
Why don't child actors ever really become famous?

They only seem to get minor roles.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aidiera
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
A child psychic who was arrested for shoplifting has escaped police custody.

It has been reported that a small medium is at large.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
Man: Doctor help my wife has gone into labor! Doctor: Is this her first child?

Man: No this is her husband

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gargegameboy12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ll never forget what I said to the water buffalo I treated like my child when I had to let him go,

β€œGood bi-son”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Blue_Jay2735
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09
🚨︎ report
What do you call your child if he’s a pyromaniac?

Arson.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Exqrim
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Our second child, a boy, was nearly born on the drive over to the hospital.

At the time we were thinking of naming him Carson.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
The no smoking with a child in the car law is rediculous.

I mean, Look at the poor fella freezing out there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a child digging?

A minor miner

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Garfunkle0707
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
As a child, it was my dream to make a perfect bar of soap ...

... but somehow it just slipped away.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cacarrizales
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man that can't move and can't have a child?

Manapaused...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuxedPotato
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, does that mean they're guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CarsonLarson
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a child on his front steps, thinking about his subconscious?

A Stoop Id Kid

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joshmeisterino
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
I was shocked to see the reveal that Kylo Ren was not an only child...

...he was a Solo Child.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RKoke
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Santa was dyslexic as a child.

Oh oh oh!!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why the Australian authorities haven't called out the lady sheep to deal with the fires. Everyday, when I was a child, Smokey the Bear was on TV telling me,

"Only EWE can prevent forest fires."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call a child who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red8user
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Having a child was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I used to tell bad jokes, but now I tell dad jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Reid0072
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Chinese child that's depressed?

Youth in Asia

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Innarhythm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A mother gave birth and was fortunate enough to be able to breastfeed her child from the very start.

It was a great suck-sess.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A couple is divorcing in court, and they are fighting for custody of their only child:

The woman tries to pity the judge: -Judge, I carried this child 9 months in my belly, it is the flesh of my flesh and it comes directly to me! The judge is moved and says: -Right mam, but now, lets listen to your husband's arguments. The man prefers to use his pragmatic side, and says: -Judge, when I put my coin in the vending machine,Is the can mine or is it to the machine?

πŸ‘︎ 329
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elouan_lrch
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
When doing my son salutation, I call this variation on child's pose, "Downward Dad" imgur.com/hOpdbkb
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How many dad jokes does it take to annoy a child?

Dads a good question.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
If a new Dad manages to capture video of their child breastfeeding for the first time, is it okay for them to title that video

"The Noob on the Boob!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a document filled with child predators?

pedofile

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kissaskakana
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
When i was a child my father punished me.......

Cuz i got a "O" on my Blood test

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hanirm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
A guy pointed at a physician’s child and said β€œLook, it’s a wiener dog!”

I said β€œNo it’s not. It’s a doc’s son.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boilerup4444
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A child's laughter is the best thing you can hear.

Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crispycrown
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The invisible man.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_TheTrashPanda
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
As an only child who is male, I should have been named...

Solomon.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neverwastetheday
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is ultimately responsible for a child’s well-being?

The answer is apparent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Krusty100
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
As a child, I was abused by mimes.

They did unspeakable things to me.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BMZAllen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What's a unvaccinated child's favourite skating pose?

Coffin

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuyguy12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
If I ever have a child, and that child says they're gay...

...I'm totally going to say "Hi Gay, I'm Dad!".

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jelly_Noodle
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation".

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZakTheRedditor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Child: β€œDad, wait - I’ve got something in my shoe.”

Dad: β€œIs it a foot?”

Child: β€œI knew you were gonna say that, dad.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChuckinTheCarma
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I had dyslexia as a child...

And I would write about it in my dairy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the asian parents tell their child when they failed their test?

β€œYour an β€˜A’sian not a β€˜D’sian

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tec_King
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to go to sleep

Is he resisting a rest?

No, he's avoiding a kid napping.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sunyyan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProGamer14719
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 151
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ioannis_03
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKrabs7382
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time.

Does that mean that they are guilty of resisting a rest

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/C3Life
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cloraxbleach420
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report

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