when I was a child we were so poor that my mother made us clothes out of the scraps my dad would bring home from work at the sandpaper factory

It was rough.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinkybenny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
After getting my wife pregnant with my second child, my daughter asked me why Barbie doesn’t make a pregnant Barbie.

I told her it was because Ken came in another box.

πŸ‘︎ 179
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If Optimus Prime and his wife got a child...

.. and that child took all the attention growing up, Optimus Prime would become "trans(-)parent".

EDIT: I meant "had", not "got".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Poustimou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
What did the father say to his trans girl child?

"You're no son of mine"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DottComm2863
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
Why was the 2 yr old unvaccinated child crying?

Midlife crisis

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aquariously
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a child most likely going to cry?

Whine o' clock

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VoidyPants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
As a child, I wanted to be an astronaut but my parents didn't allow it.

They said the sky is the limit.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrPantaleon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Palpatines have a child?

They forgot to use ray shields

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaoskrim
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
During the delivery of my first child, my wife kept yelling out β€˜can’t’, β€˜won’t’, β€˜shouldn’t’, β€˜couldn’t’.

The mid wife told me not to worry, they were only contractions

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The worst part of spanking a disobedient child at a supermarket is....

......having absolutely no idea whose child it is.

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to a child psychologist once.

He was absolutely rubbish, he was only seven.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My child: Dad, can I have some macaroni and cheese?

Me: I guess, but I'll have to go all the way to Macaronia to get some.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abfinz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Must be destiny(β€˜s child)
πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/natnat301
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If a child is refusing to go to bed

Are they resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Child: Dad, I’m thankful for you on this thanksgiving.

Dad: Hi thankful, I’m dad.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhench78
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine just named their child Geneva.

It’s rather too conventional for me...

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jjnfsk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the child abductor that sleeps alot?

It's a kid-napper.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boardzeroo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
As a child a friend hit my left eyeball with hammer once

It has really impacted my outlook on life

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dulonko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Whom does Asian parents love more than A honorable child ?

A+ Honorable child

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xplodingotaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What make of vehicles is no better than a child’s plaything?

Toy-Yoda

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GrymmTravel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was raised as an only child.

It really annoyed my sister.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Having one child makes you a parent...

Having two you are a referee

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Once you start spreading lube on a child's slide, you won't be able to stop.

It's a slippery slope.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/twowheeledfun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.

Dad : You mean our son?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KIT-3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
So, my child told me on the phone they'd got a sex change. They could tell I wasn't too bothered...

I had become trans-parent

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bredstikz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a child on fire at a steakhouse?

Flaming young

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ImprezaGrant
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A child in Egypt got separated from her mom in the crowd and was looking for her but got confused.

Because there were so many mummies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarmeric
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.

I was dad on arrival.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/busterpkeaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A joke told to me by a friend's child. How do bees get to school?

They take the buzzz

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nelesh01
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
When I Was A Child Santa Gave Me Coal One Year For Christmas, So I Poisoned His Cookies And Milk

Somehow he found out and killed my dad!

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Champyman714
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: β€œAre you cold?” Child: yes...

Dad: Go and stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees over there.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xiong3205
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I know everyone thinks their child is the best

But a farmer told me his kid is a goat

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zsm1994
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I just found out she's pregnant with our first child.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/m_bowker-brown
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A child was slightly injured while digging for gold

Not to worry, only Minor Miner Injuries

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

are they guilty of resisting a rest?

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforclock
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar and orders a child

"Sorry," says the bartender, "we don't serve minors."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Happy_Each_Day
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just won’t come. She’s tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said β€œany means necessary.”

To which I replied β€œNo it doesn’t.”

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshStartGo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
read β€œtwix” in a child accent it makes the meme better
πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
*Passing every cemetery as a child* Dad would exclaim....

"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I looked my child in the eye and told them they were not my son

Because I have a beautiful daughter instead

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mooofasa1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HunainT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
As a child, my mum told me I could be whoever I wanted when I grew up...

...turns out that’s called identity theft and is illegal.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish-Emotional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Having a child makes you a parent.

Having two, makes you a referee.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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