I named each of my kids Pun.
Just so that I can be the Father of all Puns.
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︎ Jul 19 2019
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
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︎ Dec 30 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
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︎ Dec 28 2020
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canβt beat βem, join βem.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I'll never vaccinate my kids, that's stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
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︎ Nov 24 2020
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I bought my kids Avengers action figures for Christmas so I donβt have to sit and build.
They were already assembled.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A Jewish kid walks into a Bar...
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︎ Jan 06 2021
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
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︎ Aug 20 2020
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
My kid said he didnβt want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didnβt eat, his life would be at steak
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I was worried someone replaced my kid with a clever robot...
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︎ Dec 19 2020
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you donβt, theyβll just go in one year and right out the other.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
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︎ Nov 20 2020
Why doesnβt Santa have kids
He only comes once a year
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︎ Dec 27 2020
My kid couldn't figure out how to pronounce abominable so I drew a guide
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︎ Dec 24 2020
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Kids want to know why I named my new guinea pig Moresby, well..
Because itβs papaβs new guinea
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︎ Jan 01 2021
My kids started dancing while cleaning up the house.
It was some pretty good chore-eography.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I went to McDonaldβs and ate a kidβs meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
When I was digging through the wardrobe on the weekend, I managed to find a present for the kids that I wrapped in a box last year and forgot to give them. Bargain
Can't wait to see their faces when they realize they have a puppy.
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︎ Dec 24 2020
The plumber's kids all got new shoes for Christmas.
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︎ Jan 06 2021
Dark jokes my 10 year old hit me with part 2: penguins are alot like kids
Both can fly if you throw them hard enough
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Im gonna tell my kids that the Titanic was carrying a lot of mayonnaise
And that it sunk on the 5th of May which is why we commemorate the Sinko de Mayo
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︎ Jan 05 2021
What will happen if your kid comes out as a trans?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Why do kids with ADHD and anger issues not like trigonometry?
They always end up going off on a tangent.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
Why donβt Chinese kids believe in Christmas
Because they make the toys!
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︎ Dec 25 2020
Why can't the power bank see his kids?
Because he has a battery charge
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Holiday to-do list: 1) shoot the family 2) hang the kids 3) frame the wife
$129.95 at JC Penny Portrait and Framing Studio
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︎ Dec 07 2020
My wife and kids put stickers all over a bottle of liquor for my dad for Christmas.
I said " Give him a gift of the Holiday Spirit".
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︎ Dec 24 2020
My Wife told our kids they need to get their acts together.
I asked if it would be ok if they gathered their swords instead. She was not amused.
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︎ Jan 07 2021
Just got a ps5 for my kids.
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︎ Oct 29 2020
My kid wanted to play 2d life.
So I installed 4 installs of half-life.
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︎ Jan 05 2021
What is something a Christian kid plays?
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I told my kid that I met Rudolph.
He told me that sounds like snow much fun
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︎ Dec 22 2020
Drugs are no joke, kids
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︎ Nov 06 2020
What do you call a kid that doesnβt believe in Santa Claus?
So what do you call a kid that doesnβt believe in Santa Claus?
A rebel without a Claus (insert all the groans here)
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︎ Dec 19 2020
Know your ABC's kids (Except for Guwucci, he sucks)
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︎ Jul 17 2020
Asked my kids this morning to bring their laundry and separate it into whites and colors. My son holds up some grey sweats and asks which pile.
My response: Not sure son, thatβs kind of a grey area.
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I like talking to my kids about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
The wife, taking a selfie with the kids: "Cheese kids!"
Me: That's a common mistake, but they're actually real kids.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
After a heated argument, my kid shouted βJim Morrison was overratedβ
Me: What did I say about slamming The Doors?
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︎ Aug 30 2020
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
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︎ Nov 12 2020
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
βA catβ I said. βCats love fish.
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︎ Dec 18 2020
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