Dude on CoD says to kid: β€œStop messing with the blinds.”

Me: β€œBut dude, they can’t even see him coming.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomida
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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What do blm protestors and cod players have in common?

They both hate people who use riot shields

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joemama16839301
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm...

He says to the bloke behind the counter,

β€œDo you do fishcakes?”

The man behind the counter nods his head and smiles.

β€œYeah mate.”

Customer points to the cod under his arm.

β€œBetter make him one then mate, it’s his birthday.”

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cromantica
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend tried giving me some flatfish last night instead of cod!

Know your plaice woman!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I don’t know these kids are so obsessed with COD.

Seems a little fishy to be honest.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KeaneIsABanana
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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My son won’t eat Atlantic cod

He has Pacific taste in seafood

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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I cod have died
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mairiphinc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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Thanks to cod-liver pills my son is a genius at painting and computing.

He’s got arty-fish-oil intelligence.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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I threw a bottle of Omega 3 cod liver oil pills at my son earlier...

His injuries are nothing more than super fish oil

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peter_j_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
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My dad bought me the ultimate dad joke mug while in Cape Cod imgur.com/sam3Y0g
πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diltay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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Cape Cod
πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ashalot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2013
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An Orca was questioned by the cods about a potential murder.

But he didn't admit to anything. His lips were sealed. https://imgur.com/ogcyNTN

(My dad came up with this one on the fly when we visited Monterey when I was a kid).

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Two goldfish are in a tank.

One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LayThatPipe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14
🚨︎ report
What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Birbboips4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
Did you now fish are religious?

They pray to Cod all the time.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MushuTheGreat17
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
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I'm more proud of this joke I made up than the actual drawing, but, some OC for Christmas reddit.com/gallery/kjidtv
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeeveryoneup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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My friend is making a lot of easy money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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What do you call a fish wearing a tie

Sofishticated

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harvest86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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When you visit Boston, what do the street magicians and fish wives have in common?

They will both insist that you β€œpick a cod”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brave_Samuel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
I was hit by a bottle of Omega-3 capsules

Luckily, I only suffered super fish oil injuries

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshPlaysUltimate
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are fish easy to weigh?

They have their own scales!

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ct2k7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy who lost the fishing competition was really upset.

He was totally out of line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/letsgetrandy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I gave my son a fresh fish for Christmas

I don't understand why he was so disappointed. He told me he wanted the new cod

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChefRagnarok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants

Turns out she was only with me for my mussels

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MJBGaming
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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They’re punning lyrics to a song from a movie.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATMiceli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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...... :)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/byatric3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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What’s a fish’s favorite first person shooter?

Cod.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Calcium
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Bad, but I love it!
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elarandra
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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A fish ran into a wall and said

β€œDAM”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-of-the-tiger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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Saw this at my local Tookies
πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firedog26
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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Who is Ronald McDonald's favorite musician?

Phil A. of Phish

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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I was pretty hungry so I decided to go fishing...

You know, just for the halibut...

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Net fix and chill
πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pottsie03
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Something's a little fishy here
πŸ‘︎ 280
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πŸ‘€︎ u/not_my_wig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
🚨︎ report
A magician walks up to a fisherman's booth.

The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Some unexpected consequences of coronavirus..

So it's been almost 3 weeks since a lockdown was triggered in the UK and there have been quite a few knock on effects.. Some good and some bad which I want to share in this post.

Firstly one of my friends lost his job. He worked as a psychic.. Never saw it coming. Its been a difficult couple of weeks and he is now considering a complete career change...considering becoming a baker of all things.. But I suppose he really kneads the dough. I suggested he focus on photography, but nothing ever developed.

Another of my friends was also made redundant. He managed to get a Skype interview for a position in Tescos within a few days. The interviewer asked him: "what is your biggest weakness?", he replied "I don't know when to quit". The interviewer said "OK, your hired". He said "I quit".

Work has been busy for me but since I can't enjoy the things I usually do I have been looking for some new things to do around the house. It's been nice have the thyme to do more cooking. I randomly started a boat building business in my garage.. Sails have gone through the roof.

In an unsettling reversal of my teenage years I am now shouting at my parents for leaving the house. I suggested they take up scrabble to keep them occupied.. Turned out to be a bad idea from the word go.

It's been great hearing about how world pollution levels have been failling. I read the story about fish now being visible in the canals in Venice.. I hope that story isnt a load of pollocks! Cod, these were eely bad. Will stop carping on now!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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What would you call someone who programs female robots ?

Cod-her

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamieTheMusician
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the fisherman magician?

He says, β€œPick a cod, any cod!”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peengwen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
The fish and chip shop: β€œSorry sir we’re all out of fish.”

Me: β€œI knew it, there is no cod!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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