I named each of my kids Pun.
Just so that I can be the Father of all Puns.
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︎ Jul 19 2019
After all this home schooling, my kid finally lost control
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︎ Jan 28 2021
When I was a kid I thought weβd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
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︎ Jan 14 2021
The wife and I have decided we donβt want kids
Theyβre not taking it very well
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
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︎ Jan 09 2021
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his kid off at school?
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︎ Jan 24 2021
Why was the 2 year old antivaxx kid depressed?
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︎ Feb 07 2021
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, βExcuse my Frenchβ after a swear word...
Iβll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
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︎ Dec 30 2020
When I was a kid my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted
Turns out identity theft is a crime
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︎ Feb 10 2021
My friend said, βMy kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?β
Me: Cats. Cats love fish.
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
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︎ Dec 28 2020
A pediatric surgeon sewed his kids together as a new form of punishment.
If you canβt beat βem, join βem.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Why does my wife always check the kids temperature when they're sick?
Because the therdadeter doesn't work near as well.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
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︎ Feb 10 2021
My kid started making an airplane when I kept on telling him not to
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︎ Feb 10 2021
My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.
Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says βDo you know what my baby does?!β And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said βwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...β and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.
It was perfect.
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Why did the kids eat their homework?
Their teacher said it was a piece of cake.
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︎ Jan 12 2021
What did the armless kid get for Christmas?
Idk he hadnβt opened his present yet
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?
Dad: Iβm checking my balance.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His mom got really angry.
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︎ Nov 24 2020
I'll never vaccinate my kids, that's stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous.
I'd get the doctor to do it.
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︎ Jan 03 2021
Have you heard of the 9 year old kid that went missing?
Apparently he was last seen applying a cream that made him 10 years younger
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︎ Jan 26 2021
What did Henry VIII say to his kids when they were eating?
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︎ Feb 02 2021
My kids wanted me to play monster
So I told them I gambled away their college fund and slept with their aunt
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︎ Jan 31 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
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︎ Jan 10 2021
My kids fought for a long time over a device to measure angles
It was a protracted battle
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︎ Jan 09 2021
What do you call German children you donβt want your kids to hang out with?
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︎ Jan 25 2021
A kid asked his dad, "what kind of music did you listen to growing up?" The dad said "I was big into Led Zeppelin." The son asked "who?"
"Yeah" the dad replied, "I liked them too."
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︎ Dec 16 2020
2 kids talking...
1st kid: "Do you also pray before every meal?"
2nd kid: "NO, my mum knows how to cook. "
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Road trip - why did the Dad tell the kids to take out their pencil and pad?
The sign said Draw bridge.
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︎ Jan 23 2021
I bought my kids Avengers action figures for Christmas so I donβt have to sit and build.
They were already assembled.
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︎ Dec 27 2020
What is the name of a casino that even kids can gamble in?
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︎ Jan 28 2021
Is it o.k. to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school...
....or, am I a really bad teacher ?
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︎ Dec 15 2020
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
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︎ Nov 20 2020
What is something a Christian kid plays?
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︎ Nov 28 2020
My kid said he didnβt want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didnβt eat, his life would be at steak
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︎ Dec 27 2020
A Jewish kid walks into a Bar...
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︎ Jan 06 2021
How did Kim and Kanye inform their kid that they were divorcing?
Sorry North, things went South.
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︎ Jan 09 2021
I was worried someone replaced my kid with a clever robot...
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︎ Dec 19 2020
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
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︎ Dec 22 2020
My kid couldn't figure out how to pronounce abominable so I drew a guide
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Happy New Year! Remember kids, you need to make some good resolutions to become a better version of yourself.
If you donβt, theyβll just go in one year and right out the other.
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︎ Jan 02 2021
As a dad, I won't let my kids watch any shows on t.v. with orchestra in it....
Too much sax and violins.
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Kid: farts loudly
Dad: β what does your mother feed you?β
Mom:β The same thing I feed you!β
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︎ Jan 23 2021
Why doesnβt Santa have kids
He only comes once a year
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I went to McDonaldβs and ate a kidβs meal today.
His mom was pretty upset at me.
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︎ Nov 27 2020
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
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︎ Aug 20 2020
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today....
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︎ Nov 12 2020
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