Perfect for the kids - what do you call a bear with no teeth?!
My wife asked me if I thought the kids were spoiled
I said "no, I think they're supposed to smell like that."
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar really badly.
And after years of hard work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar really badly.
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
I guess you can say Santa gives kids gifts... ON THE HOUSE
Just wondering, do you think it's alright for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are in school..
..or am I just a terrible Teacher ?
When I was a kid it was free to use the air hose at the gas station. Now it’s $1
As a kid I was forced to walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
I realised I was the poor kid at school...
....when I was the only one who turned up to band practice with a shoe horn.
The New Kids on The Block (taken in Bolingbroke, ON)
Why did the two monsters take turns to frighten the little kid?
Because sharing is scaring
How do parents lose their kids in the mall?
Seriously, any tips are welcome
Wife: Dad, stop using the name Peter in the place of Penis. One day the kids will meet a kid named Peter.
Me (husband): I agree. This should be kept private.
Wife: groan...
The cops arrested 2 kids at the park. One was eating battery acid, the other was eating fireworks
They charged one and let off the other!
Used to get the kids with this one all the time.
How many fingers do I have.
Answer 11.
10 9 8 7 6... Plus 5 is 11.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother before he left the house?
I was driving my new Toyota down the street and some kid said 'sick car'
I replied, "thanks, I'll get it tested for Corollavirus".
What do Germans call the first day of wheat harvest, and also a popular children's game where kids chase each other around a wheat field?
Have you heard of the new psychological therapy for trendy kids?
I took the kids to see Paw Patrol live
Mama troll was nowhere in sight.
Dude on CoD says to kid: “Stop messing with the blinds.”
Me: “But dude, they can’t even see him coming.”
My kid told me he had a problem. He was afraid of the toilet, but really had to go poop.
I told him it'll work itself out.
Watching my kid throw my brand new phone out the window is the last thing I wanted to see today...
What did the electrician say when his kid stuck his finger in the socket?
Told my kid that I was taking my Mom to a Covid Vaccine event at the convention center.
They said, “Oh, a mass shooting.”
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
After telling my kids 3 times I finally said: “why isn’t the dishwasher running!?”
Because it doesn’t have any feet!
What does the mother brush say to her overly excited kids ?
True story: As kids, my sister and I were fighting over the TV remote and it got heated. The remote flew across the room and a couple AAA batteries fell out. My sister threw one at me, and I grabbed a nearby salt shaker and threw it at her.
My mother, who was watching this go down, just laughs and says, "Assault and battery!"
She then left the room, cackling.
My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
My wife is angry. Last night for my anniversary, I left the kids, snuck out with my ex-girlfriend, and we hooked up in the back seat like we used to.
She hates when I call her that.
-Mary, where are the kids?
-In French.
-Mary, ou sont les enfants?
(It's a classic dad joke that makes a little more sense in my language).
Why didn't the mamma fish take her kids to McDonald's?
She was afraid they'd eat the other frys.
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
Why did the kid throw an ice cream into the ocean?
He wanted to see if he could make an ice cream float..
Every night, I read my kids a book about the end of days...
Goodnight Moon is the darkest book I know.
My kids recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
Caught my kids throwing sticks of butter up in the air in our backyard.
They said they wanted to see butterflies!
What did the buffalo say when he dropped his kid off at school?
I tried playing hide and seek in the hospital with my little kids...
...but they found me in the ICU.
My wife and kids told me that they're tired of hearing the same jokes
I told them that I care about the environment and thus recycle my jokes.
I yelled at the kids through the colander today,
Why was the 2 year old antivaxx kid depressed?
How do people lose their kids in the mall ?
Seriously, any tips would be greatly appreciated.
My kid asked "why do you go to sleep on the toilet so often?"
I said, "I always follow where my legs go".
The police arrested to kids yesterday, one was eating fireworks, and the other was drinking battery acid
They charged one, and let the other off
What did one kid joke say to the other?
My dad joke is better than yours
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