My thoughts are with his family.
Me: "No it doesn't".
..you can hide but you can’t run.
He's a small arms dealer
You can hide, but you can’t run!
Because he didn't see that well.
Dad: "Wrong, son. He was just taking a political stand."
Bob
Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.
Sorry, wrong sub.
She couldn’t control her pupils.
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
He’s all right now
Kurt and Rod
Either way, the silver bullets worked.
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
That was the punchline
A guy walks into a bar and is surprised to see his family doctor there, so he walks over to join him. "What a coincidence!" the guy says. "I was just saying earlier today that I really needed a doctor's appointment." The doctor pulls up his calendar on his phone and says, "Well, how about 10 tomorrow?" "No," the guy replies. "I don't need that many."
That’s why when mine tells me to stop acting like a flamingo, I put my foot down.
“Thanks for nothing.”
He punches people in the faith.
He drank a full glass.
He was offered a refill.
He declined.
The guy was one punch man.
I guess they successfully cured cancer.
They ended up with Carpool Chunnel Syndrome.
A guy with rubber toe
...who was trying to hide he was bald. He damaged his hairpiece, not sure how, and was having a new one shipped to the office.
He was already kind of embarrassed and told us all, if you see a package for Peters (his last name) just put it on my desk. So I happen to be the one who sees it and as I'm bringing it to him my other coworker Paul asks what I have in my hands.
"Oh this?" I say, "this is Rob Peters' toupee, Paul."
He got 12 months
Yea, it was pretty nuts.
They both got six months.
It was kind of a big dill
He didn’t put enough shifts in
Doc says "Okay, you're ugly too."
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.
Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.
A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.
With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, “Thank you.”
As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...
“Thank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”
He yells, hey! Hey, pirate! There's a steering wheel in your pants! Pirate says, Aarr, I know! It's driving me nuts!
"They're draft horses"
...Curt & Rod
His name was Sir Anthony Key
My thoughts are with his family.
