The only thing Flat-Earthers fear...

is Sphere itself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlamingNinja925
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing

I said, β€œthey’re mostly dead”

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
When your friends know you love puns and send you things like this >>>>>>
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meow__meg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..

..NO MORE READING !!

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.

Every one reading this is on the same page.

Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If there's one thing I own that's remarkable

It's a whiteboard

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What's the first thing the taxi driver said to the wolf?

Where wolf!?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Telusion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally

Me: When did my resume learn to talk?

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MA121Alpha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building

Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeugirdork
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
Son: Dad, will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?

Dad: I just can't see them taking off.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AviationChic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Pessimist....Things can't get any worse.

Optimist.....Nah!! Of course they can.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.

Then I'll see what happens.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kv9109
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?

Pine

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stiney86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grunzi6
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

πŸ‘︎ 218
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....

.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally

I asked her, "Who's Literally?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XenonNade
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Where are average things made?

In the satisfactory.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...

It's that talk is cheep.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Another year has came and went, and there are some things I wish I could’ve done differently

Hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Urinal-Cake2113
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
There are 2 things you need to know about Halifax

otherwise it's just Halifact.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magooisim
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
Its a good thing sexual innuendos isn't a crime...

I'd definitely be going down.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best thing to wear to court?

A lawsuit

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueFoxoonys
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Before I start, I need to see if this thing works.

"Everyone named Michael stand up." Assorted people stand up "And that concludes the mike check."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with

An our-glass

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MunchieMAG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of portal collects things?

An aggregate

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaphpath
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
THIS is why we can't have nice things
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Burning_Toast998
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Just my Dad coming out with Dad things...

So my brother is telling us about his girlfriends family, saying her dad is fussy with food and he doesn't eat a lot, probably because he smokes.

Dad "Does he eat his cigs?"

Then proceeds to laugh at his own joke saying that was a beauty that was.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryPopperSC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...

... how EYEronic!

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podfather2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The last thing my grandfather told me was β€œIt’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens if you don't look at things from the right angle?

You might find find yourself looking at a slippery slope.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?

Rick O'Shea.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
What can you get in these difficult times to make thing easier?

You can forget!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HappyRamenMan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
Before you say yes to a proposal, there is one thing you have to consider

On one hand, you get a really nice ring, but on the other hand, you won't.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrYellowfield
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a group of people that always ends things...

Finnish.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuryOfHell
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What did daddy tell you about going thru your siblings' things?

Don't get caught.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadX
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I just printed out a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid saying the wrong things and getting into a fight.

Who wants some?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
These things write themselves
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realityiscanceled
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There are so many things I would've done differently this last year

But hey, hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterBultitude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.

Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadSlingshoter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Whether you are Democrat or Republican, I think we can all agree on one thing.

The election results have been un-presidented.

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethanol314
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A man and his son had a farm, but things weren't going too well.

The son said "I think we need to start growing something other than just wheat" and started naming fruits and vegetables.

"I think you're right, kiddo" said the man.

He went over to one of the haybales and started grabbing fistfuls of it. He spread it out and then started covering it with dirt.

"Dad, what are you doing?" asked the son, confused.

"I'm making straw-buries".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Findrel_Underbakk
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?

Its ass.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemonlimeaardvark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The last thing my grandfather told me was β€œIt is worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was...sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...

It's that talk is cheep.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report

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