The only thing Flat-Earthers fear...
My friend asked me if Princess Bride jokes are still a thing
I said, “they’re mostly dead”
When your friends know you love puns and send you things like this >>>>>>
I've been reading so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently, that I've made a firm new year's resolution..
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
In spite of all our disagreements on Reddit, I’m glad about one thing.
Every one reading this is on the same page.
Edit: Thanks guys. This is way too much love.
If there's one thing I own that's remarkable
What's the first thing the taxi driver said to the wolf?
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
Good thing there are just the two doors to the US Capitol building
Cause attempted sedan doesn’t have the same ring to it
Son: Dad, will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
Dad: I just can't see them taking off.
Pessimist....Things can't get any worse.
Optimist.....Nah!! Of course they can.
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses.
Then I'll see what happens.
Which tree wishes things were more like they used to be?
Are physical puns a thing here? I'm just gonna leave this here
Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
The worst thing about driving a Time Machine....
.....is the kids at the back asking, "Are we then yet?"
My girlfriend said I need to stop taking things too literally
I asked her, "Who's Literally?"
Where are average things made?
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...
Another year has came and went, and there are some things I wish I could’ve done differently
There are 2 things you need to know about Halifax
otherwise it's just Halifact.
Its a good thing sexual innuendos isn't a crime...
I'd definitely be going down.
What’s the best thing to wear to court?
Before I start, I need to see if this thing works.
"Everyone named Michael stand up."
Assorted people stand up
"And that concludes the mike check."
What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with
What type of portal collects things?
THIS is why we can't have nice things
Just my Dad coming out with Dad things...
So my brother is telling us about his girlfriends family, saying her dad is fussy with food and he doesn't eat a lot, probably because he smokes.
Dad "Does he eat his cigs?"
Then proceeds to laugh at his own joke saying that was a beauty that was.
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What happens if you don't look at things from the right angle?
You might find find yourself looking at a slippery slope.
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?
What can you get in these difficult times to make thing easier?
Before you say yes to a proposal, there is one thing you have to consider
On one hand, you get a really nice ring, but on the other hand, you won't.
There is a group of people that always ends things...
What did daddy tell you about going thru your siblings' things?
I just printed out a bunch of pamphlets on how to avoid saying the wrong things and getting into a fight.
These things write themselves
There are so many things I would've done differently this last year
But hey, hindsight is 2020
As this year is coming to a close, I find myself thinking about all the things I would have done differently.
Seems like I got 20/20 hindsight.
Whether you are Democrat or Republican, I think we can all agree on one thing.
The election results have been un-presidented.
A man and his son had a farm, but things weren't going too well.
The son said "I think we need to start growing something other than just wheat" and started naming fruits and vegetables.
"I think you're right, kiddo" said the man.
He went over to one of the haybales and started grabbing fistfuls of it. He spread it out and then started covering it with dirt.
"Dad, what are you doing?" asked the son, confused.
"I'm making straw-buries".
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits the windshield?
The last thing my grandfather told me was “It is worth spending money on good speakers.”
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...
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