I ended things with my communist girlfriend.
Being on a diet has pushed me to do some very regrettable things. For example, last week my wife caught me cheating with 5 guys.
Their burgers are simply irresistible
There are so many different things you can do with spaghetti.
It’s mind-blowing to think of all the pasta-bilities.
Only two things make me forget about all the shit that's going on with my life. Comedy and......
From the moment I saw you I knew I wanted to do unspeakable things with you....
What’s a communist’s favorite thing to measure time with
Just my Dad coming out with Dad things...
So my brother is telling us about his girlfriends family, saying her dad is fussy with food and he doesn't eat a lot, probably because he smokes.
Dad "Does he eat his cigs?"
Then proceeds to laugh at his own joke saying that was a beauty that was.
Did you hear about the guy who went into the Everglades, found this huge sea-cow thing and beat it to death with the oar of his boat?
They're prosecuting him for crimes against a manatee.
The best thing to do with a crying baby is throw them in the air.
Because what goes up must calm down.
Today I saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which could mean just one thing.
What’s up with ghosts haunting people? Aren’t there more interesting things to do in the afterlife? [OC]
I had a fight with a father last night.. only thing is he was a tree
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
Whats the most important thing to be when living in Asgard with a corrupt police force?
I was dancing with a woman in a bar and things were getting heated.
"Want to go back to my place?" I asked.
"Of course," she replied.
I said, "Here are the keys. Make sure you let the dog out for a shit."
If I could just bring one thing with me to a remote deserted Island..
..then I probably wouldn't bother going.
Do you feel like a thing that is borrowed, especially a sum of money that is expected to be paid back with interest?
With the onset of age, I'm forgetting really simple things, like the fact that cheese is made from milk.
Previously it would've a curd to me.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
Been noticing weird things with my neighbor lately. No idea why he shovels soil from his side, into mine.
Tell me ONE thing wrong with heavy tourism in Hawaii. Go on.
An Irishman was asked what one thing would he take with him to a desert?
He replied, ‘Me car door. That way, if I get hot, I can just roll me window down.’
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
My teacher told me to begin studying things with a pH higher than 7.
She always tells me to start with the basic stuff.
Even though we disagree with each other a lot on Reddit, here’s some thing we can hopefully agree on.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.
It was in a very remote place.
I have problems with two things: 1: with my short-term memory...
And 2: with my short-term memory
Boy if you keep playing with that thing you're going to go blind.
Now quit playing with my arc welder!
John Wick said to the ninja, “Bet ya can’t hit me with that thing!?”
Ninja replies, “Shuriken”.
I remember the first time I bolted two things together with metal fasteners.
That was a riveting experience.
Why can't cows grab things with their toes
because they lactose
(lack toes)
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
Whoever figured out the 'days of the month correspond with your knuckles' thing had too much time on their hands
The best thing about being on a deserted island with a pair of twins?
Starting fires are easy since each of them will always have a match!
I asked my friend from Wuhan, China how things were going with the coronavirus...
He said he really couldn’t complain.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...
...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
Tell me ONE thing wrong with overstocking grocery shelves. Go on.
Boss: "what's that?", Me: (with much enthusiasm) "it's a SPACE BAR!!!!!" *wets myself laughing*, Boss: "...................." *delivers withering look* "are you allowed to stick things on your laptop?", Me: *dies inside at another badly landed pun*
Q. What's the most important thing you can do with crude oil?
A. Teach it proper manners!
I'm clumsy and I have bump into things with alarming frequency.
My son got into a fist fight with his music teacher because he wrongly answered a question in his test. When he told me the story I just could say one thing...
"Son, violins is not the answer".
I went on a date with a woman. Things were going perfectly.
She said, "This is the best date I've ever had."
"Me too," I replied.
She said, "Pinch my arm to make sure that it's real."
So I pinched it and said, "Yes, that is definitely an arm."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel shaped looking thing in his pants
the bartender said "you know you have your ships steering wheel in your pants?"
the pirate replied "argh matey, i know its driving me nuts"
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
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