Every morning after waking up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
I’ll never forget the last thing my late grandfather said to me.
You know the worst thing about eating clocks?
My wife sometimes has trouble thinking of the right word for things. This morning, she asked me "what's it called when you have no bars?" Without missing a beat, I told her...
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? The same thing applies with the Virgin Islands...
There are no canaries there either...
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
I'll never forget the last thing my dad said to me before he kicked the bucket.......
He said: "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:
What's the first thing Pikachu said when he met Raichu?
What's the best thing from switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus
What is the most concerning thing about Lyme Disease?
New cases have lately been on an uptick.
I woke up on top of my house this morning, and the last thing I remember was going to the bar...
I’m afraid someone roofied me
Just got my new keyboard. Looks like the keys are taking things quite literally.
What is the canine contractor's favorite thing to build?
Apparently there’s a group down the street that’s amazing at grabbing things, but they refuse to do it when I’m around.
They never seize to amaze me
What do you call the same thing as a cinnamon roll?
I said the best things in life are free
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
Ya know the hardest thing about skydiving?
I'm not brave enough to discover new things in the real world, so I decided to be an Internet Explorer instead.
Sadly even that was to Edge-y for me!
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
With the onset of age, I'm forgetting really simple things, like the fact that cheese is made from milk.
Previously it would've a curd to me.
The thing about the music for the Sheep Waltz...
It has 3 beats to each baa
What's the worst thing to say to a COVID-19 patient?
Whenever my friend smells, he says things in the wrong order.
He's got a terrible case of body Yoda
After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.
It was in a very remote place.
What's the one thing a person that doesn't use safety belts will never see?
What’s the first thing you say when you wake up in Utah?
The only thing I have planned for today is to get my new glasses
Then I’ll see what happens
What was the fish’s reason for doing things?
I don't thing reformation of the police is possible...
After all, Andy, Sting, and Stewart have each had success with other solo projects.
When I want a sauna I must have the whole thing to myself.
I have selfish steam issues.
Finally I can see things far away without leaving the couch
What is the pirates least favorite thing to do on the weekend?
Money factories are the only thing in America I understand.
I said to my wife, "They say that childbirth is the most painful thing someone can experience..."
"Now, maybe I was too young to remember, but I didn't think it hurt that much."
Why don’t vampires feel bad about the foul things they do?
They’re incapable of reflection.
I'm selling books on how to avoid saying the wrong thing and getting into fights.
The only thing flat earthers fear
What's the worst thing a blind person can read in Braille?
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.
Came with the house my brother bought. The thing sticking out is his tuning fork
The first thing I’ll say if Captain James Hook ever get hit by a truck is
“You ain’t seeing half of the insurance money”
My wife told me a French Torte was the hardest thing to bake
Turned out to be a piece of cake
What's that thing on the roof? Just a cupola windows.
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
The thing about adverbs is...
They're really, truly, utterly, amazingly, unbelievably, astoundingly, hard to avoid in speech or text.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
John Wick said to the ninja, “Bet ya can’t hit me with that thing!?”
Ninja replies, “Shuriken”.
The coronavirus will probably be the closest thing to a crown that Prince Charles will ever get.
My son is learning about proper nouns and he said that a proper noun is specific thing and a common noun isn't. He said an Ocean is a common noun and the Pacific is a proper noun.
I look him dead in the eye and say, "What a Pacific example you just gave"
It's a good thing that we found the ranch,
Because it was Hidden Valley.
Covid19 is keeping things on the DOW low.
One thing is almost certain about the adult entertainment industry in light of covid-19:
My 4yo son was surprised I saw him doing something out of the corner of my eye. He asked how I saw him and I said, "Grown ups see all kinds of things."
"That's why it's called adult super-vision."
What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?
What's the first thing you should do tomorrow if you wake up a billionaire?
Most of the things Jesus did are very well known, but I haven't seen people mentioning that he was also a pioneer in sports
I mean, he was doing CrossFit almost 2000 years before it became popular!
I just caught my son eating some random thing off the floor
...and I shout at him, “HEY! What is that in your mouth!?!” And he smiles at me and says with the sweetest voice, “teeth.”
🤦♂️
Does this make him the dad now?
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
My favorite thing ever in the history of the world is hyperbole.
Actually, it might be second-guessing.
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
What's the most difficult thing about producing skimmed milk?
Throwing the cow across a lake.
My new therapist is British, the first thing he asked me was
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you”. “Sure thing” the bartender replies and asks “but what’s with the big pause?
”
The panda holds up his hands and says “I was born with them”
What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?
A royal flush is better than a full house
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
I was kidnapped by a mime. The things he did to me were...
Ya know the weird thing about waiting for peace?
The First Bank of Magic Only Needs Two Things to Operate it's Banks:
All these jokes about the coronavirus have one thing in common...
They all conta gious one thing...bad puns!
I will never forget the last thing what my late grandfather told me.
I remember the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket, it was...
“Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a big plus
I'll never forget the last thing my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket.
"Watch how far I can kick this bucket!!!:
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
I remember the last thing your grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... it was:
"Hey, how far do you think i can kick this bucket?"
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland
I don't know,but the flag is a big plus.
The only thing flat earthers fear is sphere itself.
The thing about cheating in an elevator is...
It is wrong on so many levels.
The only thing that Flat-Earthers fear.
What's the best thing about Switzerland ?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus !
The only thing flat-earthers fear...
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself
The best thing about Switzerland 🇨🇭
“What’s the best thing about Switzerland?”
“I don’t know”
“Me either, but the flag is a big plus”
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