Ain’t nothing but a heart break
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punk_Rasputin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A book my son is reading. Nothing but fart jokes/puns
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/epona14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing really mattress, couldn't chair less
πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aesewiii
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
There is nothing kawaii about Hawaii.
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing flashy
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing I can do about it
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?

A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing special tuna-ight
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing

It’s hard trying to be the bigger person!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Achooneacore
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!

^#HomeLess

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EsteamPhenomena
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Davebelieves
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought a TV that said β€œBuilt in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is!

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JennyBagaDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Arthur24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing tops...

a plain pizza.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing goes wrong on my watch
πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nashyj495
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Tanks for nothing
πŸ‘︎ 123
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and said, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I regret nothing :p
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tooladrake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.

I was dad on arrival.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/busterpkeaton
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing to see here

I told you there's nothing to see here?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurururl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.

I stand corrected

πŸ‘︎ 225
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing says "oH lOoK aT mE" like someone playing a tuba.

Fucking attention horns.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buffaloshnit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I just realized nothing starts with "n" and ends with "g"

Go ahead, prove me wrong

πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Photoshoppin_Boi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.

Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...

We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuestionableQuery
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got me good and there was nothing I could do

I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,

β€œWhat are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?”

I didn’t know my son had two dads but I know now

Edit: typos

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoutTreeeFiddy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.....

......Absolutely Nothing!!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.

Noble gases have no reaction.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with – what do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dhisum_dhisum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Bayern : What did you guys eat ? Schalke : 8- nothing. Barcelona - 8-2much.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rohitGd7
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.

Change my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jacobwyc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The only time people should fret over nothing

Is playing air guitar.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I am worth nothing...

I paid off all my debt so now my net worth is $0 :D

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zapyre
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to date a comedian. I have nothing bad to say about her...

she's a stand-up gal.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked in to the office?

”I can clearly see you're nuts....”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mefingers
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a race car driver say when he has nothing else to say in an argument?

Mph.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustiniR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I see nothing wrong there...

The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and after a moment asks for his change. The man behind the counter says, "no, the change must come from within"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gomass4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I have nothing to say... But im sorry
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alastair-tut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
3 men were in a boat. There were 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 382
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomd0g
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
It turns out that Ron's cameo had nothing to with the real plot of Fantastic Beasts.

It was quite a good red herring.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedNas07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing to this guy, but he's kinda an oxymoron
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/currentlyinlondon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I think we all should use nothing but mops and brooms to clean our floors

I guess that means I'm anti-vacs.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nashvulnative
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs...

Well that’s a different story.

πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reverse_Chode
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...

...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My mechanic said there was nothing wrong with my...
πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swion
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Ahh.. nothing like the passing of the four seasons here in lovely Ireland

Easily my favorite day of the year.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.

And suddenly I’m the idiot.....

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Arkham_Asylum27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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