I regret nothing
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, all the other guests are supposed to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
π︎ 650
π
︎ Jan 10 2021
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
π︎ 158
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
I have a good friend who wears clothes made of nothing but carpet.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
My dad's not allowed to speak Japanese, let alone teach the language. But there's nothing that says he can't teach Japanese cooking and geography. So far, I just learned the cooking tools and the location of the country.
This is Japan, this is ja-spatula, this is ja-whisk, this is ja-wok, this is ja-mixer, this is ja-fork, this is ja-spoon, and these are ja-chopsticks.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jan 24 2021
Her: What are you giggling about? Me: Oh, nothing...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Ainβt nothing but a heart break
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
Moove Along Nothing to see here
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 16 2021
Peter Brown the world famous hairdresser told his son, that he's leaving him nothing in his will....
I can't believe he's cutting off his own heir.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 03 2021
Phil is to blame for this one, nothing to do with me.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Nothing in the English language...
...starts with N and ends with G
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 29 2021
A book my son is reading. Nothing but fart jokes/puns
π︎ 55
π
︎ Nov 11 2020
Nothing I can do about it
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
Nothing flashy
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
I finally kicked out my girlfriend about six months ago, and it's been nothing but Happy Days for me since.
The bitch took all the other box sets.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 03 2021
Nothing really mattress, couldn't chair less
π︎ 59
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
What is as big as a hippopotamus but weighs nothing at all?
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
Thereβs nothing better than relaxing to Beyonce.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 18 2021
There is nothing kawaii about Hawaii.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
What do you call it when there is nothing on your math homework?
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jan 04 2021
Nothing special tuna-ight
π︎ 30
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Itβs a shame nothing is made in the USA anymore.
I just bought a TV that said βBuilt in Antennaβ. I donβt even know where that is!
π︎ 216
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
Goldilocks, running from the 3 bears, finds herself in a dead end with nothing but a bag of ice. Papa bear is Drunk and scary. What happens next?
A Goldy-smack with a cold sack in a cul de sac, which is more than a bear with beer could bare.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 16 2020
This might be my crowning achievement. If it's been done before, I apologize for nothing. Grape minds think alike- nope wrong fruit.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Iβm a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing
Itβs hard trying to be the bigger person!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 08 2020
There is nothing stronger than a finger gun...
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
Nothing goes wrong on my watch
π︎ 241
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Nothing tops...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
Tanks for nothing
π︎ 121
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
I regret nothing :p
π︎ 32
π
︎ Aug 30 2020
I just realized nothing starts with "n" and ends with "g"
π︎ 363
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
π︎ 224
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Nov 05 2020
Nothing to see here
I told you there's nothing to see here?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Nothing says "oH lOoK aT mE" like someone playing a tuba.
π︎ 20
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
This just in: 2 men broke into the city bank using nothing more than a few mannequin limbs.
Officials say we are dealing with an armed robbery
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 14 2020
My Dad(64) always shows up to every event 10 minutes after it's started. We bought him a watch, told him the start time was earlier than it was, we've tried everything, but nothing works...
We just have to accept that he's a Late Boomer.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
My wife got me good and there was nothing I could do
I was playing with our toddler when for whatever reason Humpty Dumpty popped in my head. I started trying to think of a funny rhyme about Dumpty cracking open and being unable to pay for US medical care and thus now lives a pain-addled, poor life. Yeah, idk.
Anyway, I couldnβt think of the original second half of the rhyme and so I asked my wife. She told me the rhyme and I said thanks. After a short silence goes by she goes,
βWhat are you doing, trying to think of another lame dad yolk?β
I didnβt know my son had two dads but I know now
Edit: typos
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.....
......Absolutely Nothing!!
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
Bayern : What did you guys eat ? Schalke : 8- nothing. Barcelona - 8-2much.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.
And suddenly Iβm the idiot....
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 03 2020
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
π︎ 163
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are expected to pretend as if nothing happened.
Noble gases have no reaction.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
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