Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
Never fart in an apple store
I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..
"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"
I was taught to never use the Oxford comma
by Mrs. Henderson, my high school English teacher and a first-rate whore.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham
Never blame anyone else for the road you're on...
...that's your own asphalt!
I said to my kids, "Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do! Take Beethoven for example. They told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf!"
Before, I thought I could never become a ninja...
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
I would cheat the Golden Globes. Hell, I would even manipulate the Academy Awards. But I would NEVER
Why can pirates never finish the alphabet?
Because they always get lost at C.
Why do teddy bears never want to eat?
Why they are always stuffed!
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I never finish anything
I have a blackbelt in partial arts
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...
When they could be called subwoofers
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
For the past five years, I’ve said that i’m going to start jogging, but I never have
It’s starting to become a running joke at this point
You’re never wrong when you write
This occurred to me at 1 am and I’ve never been more proud
Never criticize your wife’s judgements,
Remember who she married?
I always believed that 'sticks and stones would break my bones, but words would never hurt me.'
Until I fell into a printing press.
I've never trusted stairs.
They're always up to something.
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?
Because they are afraid of them striking
I was the only one in the family who believed in my brother to become a ninja, so when my dad said „he will never make it“
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"
You know why you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
I have never been married...
But, I've had a few near Mrs.
Biden will NEVER, EVER be my president
because I live in Canada.
When rowing I never know which paddle to use.
I guess it's a case of either-oar.
It's important never to cut funding for gritters.
Once you lose one it's a slippery slope.
Why do you never see a Rhinoceros hiding in a tree?
Because they are exceptionally good at it!
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water.
I never sign anything official....
.....without pretending to read it first.
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, occasionally has 12 letters, always has 6 letters, and never has 5 letters.
But nothing tops a cheese pizza.
My 4 year old just told her first dad joke, and I've never been more proud.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
Why should you never wear moccasins outside during Winter?
Because it can get a little slippery out there.
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Before, I thought I could never become a ninja...
How Come You Never See Elephants Hiding In Trees?
Because there really good at it
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