My birthday is on July 24th, shame I was born in america. If I was born anywhere else....
my birthday would be 24/7
I’m addicted to abusing nuns, I just can’t not hit them, the only thing that’s worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.
I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot
Never blame anyone else for the road you're on...
...that's your own asphalt!
When someone quotes someone else's typo
DOES ANYONE ELSE FORGET THE ABBREVIATION FOR MAINE?
Did you hear about the guy who repeated the same phrase more times than anyone else ever has?
Sounded like a broken record.
I cant see why I am posting this, no one else will see this post
I'm left handed. You know who else is left handed?
Anyone else here a fan of Fire Emblem? Because I CHROMposed some great puns of one of the main lords!
reddit.com/gallery/jy2d6n
The second time Hansel and Gretel found a house made of cookies and candy, they sent someone else in to test-nibble it first.
This technique became known as Munch Housen by Proxy.
I'm thinking of opening a bar where everyone insults everyone else while moving to the music...
I think my idea of social diss dancing would go over well!
What would u call Hitler if he got removed of his own dick by operation and put someone else's dick there?
My wife told me to stop stealing her kitchen utensils or else.
But that's a whisk I'm willing to take.
I’m such a state! What will Della wear to the picnic? And who else will be there? What will we do?
I think Texas coming. What will Delaware? I don’t know, Alaska! Iowa thanks to you for bringing this up! Maybe we can play some Tennessee? Indiana just don’t think we’ll know what to expect. Like last time, we don’t know Michigan.
Anyone else surprised we don't see more toddlers with criminal charges?
Mine's always resisting a rest.
Anyone else notice
the Supreme Court has been more Ruthless than normal?
Whatever else you might do on Halloween, don't eat a ghost!
I've been told I can eat more pastries than anyone else.
Well, if the choux fits...
Good communication is key or else
You will get something in your eye
Who else wants to see a puppet show, minus the puppets?
Let's see a show of hands..
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Dr: Do you kneed anything else?
What does a race car driver say when he has nothing else to say in an argument?
On top of everything else going on this year, I just got ketchup in my eye.
Now I have 2020 Heinzsight.
What do you call a person who loves both himself and waffles more than anything else in the world?
How else would they stay warm all winter?
Anyone else noticing a recent influx of herb related jokes?
It is that thyme of year, I suppose.
Anybody else find it hard to resist saying “fish dicks” when cooking your kids fish sticks?
I hate people who keep telling me that I need to be saved or else I'm going to burn.
At the end of a call at my job, I ask if there’s anything else I can help with.
Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, “Yeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?”
I replied, without skipping a beat, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”
"Do you think that hole is big enough to be called something else?"
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
The local diner charges Hispanic men less than everyone else.
They call it the señor citizens’ discount.
Somebody stopped me the other day in the shopping center and said "oh, sorry, i thought you were someone else" .
What is it called when someone farts while walking ahead of someone else?
Honestly I woudden't lead someone else steel this pun
When my friend craves seafood, he doesn’t care what anyone else wants to eat.
He has shellfish desires.
Didn't think it fit r/boottoobig, didn't know where else to put it. Please advise if necessary
I tried walking a mile in someone else's shoes the other day...
Had to stop early though. Apparently the other guy called it stealing.
Did you know it was against the law to let your long hair to cross over into someone else's property?
Yeah, that is called tress-passing.
(Especially when your neighbor stresses over your tresses.)
Never blame someone else for the road you are on
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