God got into every college he applied to. His son got rejected everywhere.
He got hung up on his boards.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
I was peacefully eating my Chinese soup, until a guy came out of nowhere and flipped the bowl, spilling my soup everywhere and ruining my meal.
This was an act of wonton destruction.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
My wife after our son destroyed some garlic bread and threw the crumbs everywhere,
What a breadful night...
Is she the dad now? Are we both? Either way i sense more socks with Crocs in my future.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
With all this snow lately sledges have been sold out everywhere. . .
So I have borrowed my sisters sledge, she doesn't mind because we are family.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
My son's science fair entry was a volcano made of a fat product from rendering the fatty tissue of a pig. My son's fat teacher waddled around everywhere when he set it off...
The lard ash was everywhere!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
When I was a kid, I was so ugly, my mother took me everywhere....
....just so, she wouldn't have to kiss me goodbye.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
What do you call a wizard that walks everywhere barefoot, has poor bone density, and bad breath ?
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
π︎ 14
π
︎ Dec 31 2020
I cloned myself and he is following me everywhere. To the garage, kitchen, bathroom....
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
Dads everywhere, every winter solstice at sunset
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 21 2020
I just spilt baked beans everywhere.
In Heinz-sight, that was a bad idea
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
This pandemic means I'm having to walk everywhere...
Getting tired of this car owner virus
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
Why did the dad like to skip everywhere instead of walk?
He wanted to put his best foot forward
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
We were moving some boxes to my son's car, when he dropped a Scrabble game and the letters scattered everywhere. So I asked him...
"What's the word on the street?!"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 16 2020
My wife just told me, βI canβt find my datebook. Iβve looked for it everywhere. Have you seen it?β
Me: It seems like....you have a hidden agenda.
π︎ 870
π
︎ Feb 02 2020
Iβm forming a coalition that defends dried out grapes everywhere
π︎ 41
π
︎ May 27 2020
Man looks everywhere for his colourful tie when his wife tells him "I'm afraid you can't wear it anymore". "Why?"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
With summer almost here ond COVID-19 putting restrictions everywhere, please remember that you can't run through a campground.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 15 2020
I tried to break an egg to make an omelette, but it's contents went flying everywhere
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 17 2020
Vegans everywhere βDonβt hate the player, hate the game(y-meat)!β
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 09 2020
Did you hear? Parents everywhere are feeling disoriented and unable to keep up with their kids while at home.
An announcement was made by the Center for Dizzies Control.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 15 2020
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 21 2020
There's a type of mushroom I bring everywhere, to dinner parties, bball games, work, they easily fit in my pocket
They're called portablebellos.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 29 2020
Dirty horse everywhere
π︎ 26
π
︎ May 10 2019
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...
She was waving an illegal fire arm.
π︎ 578
π
︎ Jan 09 2019
Iβve been looking for sanitizer everywhere
But I just canβt get my hands on it....
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 15 2020
Blonde: "Doctor, I have pain all over my body. Everywhere I touch hurts".
Doctor: "Your finger is broken".
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 22 2020
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 28 2019
What did they tell Michael Jacksonβs son when he asked why he had to go everywhere with a bodyguard.
βSecurity, Blanket. β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 21 2020
Dads everywhere on December 31st..
See you next decade! Laughing maniacally
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 11 2019
A large truck transporting wigs and toupees has crashed on a major highway sending its cargo everywhere.
Police are still combing the area.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Nov 11 2019
My mom has us all on a tropical fruit diet. the stuff is everywhere.
it's enough to make a mango crazy.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jun 20 2019
Everywhere else itβs July 24 except the UK
where itβs the end of May.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jul 24 2019
On my recent trip to Florida, I noticed there were signs everywhere that said, βbeware of crocsβ
I wonder why they are so afraid of shoes down there.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 13 2019
Everywhere
π︎ 25
π
︎ Jan 22 2019
I went to dinner with a nun the other night and I asked why she had to wear her outfit everywhere
She said itβs an old habit
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 25 2019
I was screaming. It was everywhere. It was all around me.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 12 2019
My son started to panic after he dropped a huge jar of pickles and got pickles everywhere.
βDonβt worry,β I told him. βEverythingβs kosher.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 10 2019
"Poop everywhere"
Son had taken off his diaper this morning and decided play with his poop. It was literally everywhere. As we are all (wife, daughter, and I) cleaning up and getting him clean I hear coming from the bathroom, which has only my daughter (13) and my son (11mo.)
"What a shitty morning"
I couldn't even be mad. I couldn't have been more proud of her.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 18 2019
A man was cursed to have lines everywhere
He went to the border of his city but there was a border line, he went to the coast but there was a coast line, he once asked a girl on a date but there was a date line. They go out on a date and go to a club named βheadβ but there was a βheadβ line, after dancing with his date she says she is thirsty, so being a good date he goes to get a her some punch
But there was no punch line.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Apr 18 2019
If marijuana was legal everywhere...
"Weed" be very happy. π
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 27 2019
Rivers love the little rocks on their floor so much, they carry them everywhere they go. Riveres are incredibly sedimental
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jun 08 2018
My wife: I lost my datebook. I looked everywhere and canβt find it!!
Me: It looks like... you got a hidden agenda.
π︎ 124
π
︎ Jul 25 2018
Her: Have you seen my day planner? I canβt seem to find it, and I looked everywhere!
Me: It looks like....you have a hidden agenda.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Apr 17 2019
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