Typical dad, back at it again with them puns!
My mom lost her car keys. Asked if I had them. I barely search, tell her I don't. Two weeks pass. I find them. Punning ensues.
I tell ya he loves them puns.
How do you clean a tuba?
With a tuba toothpaste.
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers.
You make the world a happier place! 🤩
I entered 10 puns in a joke contest. I figured one of them would win...
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Easiest way to flush them out
Why did doctors name them hemorrhoids?
I’m addicted to abusing nuns, I just can’t not hit them, the only thing that’s worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.
I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot
Whoever decided to called them Dentures....
....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?
Because they're neck romancers.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess
I have been walking on eggshells ever since.
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.
I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".
I’m going to stop calling them “pencil sharpeners”
And start calling them “pencil shorteners”. We’ll see how long my family can take it
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.
Only one was like "Yemen"
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.
Just giving cReddit where it's due.
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Why do Norwegian battleships have barcodes on them?
WHICH POTATO RULES THEM ALL?
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing
But it just resulted in a cacawphony
I used to date three coconuts but had to break up with them
They were a little shy for my liking
I've started buying restaurants and reselling them for a profit
What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?
Darth Ritis.
Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.
Some people told their dad that Dora has a visual impairment and that Boots and the viewers were her eyes. Then the father bought them Dora-themed gifts for Christmas.
And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.
When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.
Pun walks into a room with 10 people and kills them all.
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
Seven and eleven have the word 'even' in them....
My friends won't let me play football with them after I suffered a charley-horse
They said I cramp their style
They really missed out on a great opportunity by calling them defibrillators
Should've called them heartbrakers
People get shocked after I work for them.
I wonder why they keep saying I am a bad electrician,
If you wanted to take a bunch of bullets and forge them into a sword fit for a king what Caliber would you use?
What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.
He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
What does a tea hater say to the waiter who brought them tea when they ordered coffee?
That's not my cup of tea.
A farmer said to me “I have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?”
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
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