Typical dad, back at it again with them puns!
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDyingChild
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom lost her car keys. Asked if I had them. I barely search, tell her I don't. Two weeks pass. I find them. Punning ensues.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellyeahobviously
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2016
🚨︎ report
I tell ya he loves them puns.

How do you clean a tuba?

With a tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spoonoboone
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says

β€œI can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently discovered I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.

I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🀩

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whoopass_voice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I entered 10 puns in a joke contest. I figured one of them would win...

But no pun in ten did.

πŸ‘︎ 215
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Easiest way to flush them out
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toasty_MarshAG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did doctors name them hemorrhoids?

Asteroid was taken.

πŸ‘︎ 243
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawdogg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m addicted to abusing nuns, I just can’t not hit them, the only thing that’s worked for me is redirecting it to somebody else.

I’m trying really hard to kick the abbot

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Whoever decided to called them Dentures....

....really missed an opportunity to call them Substitooths.

πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 158
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spinach_Stock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Pork factories keep calling me and I keep hanging up on them.

Nothing but spam.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kylejay915
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?

Because they're neck romancers.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eepdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can tell when they're standing too.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife is pissed at me. I made hard boiled eggs for breakfast this morning and let our 2 year old help peel them and he made a mess

I have been walking on eggshells ever since.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MehWebDev
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I’m going to stop calling them β€œpencil sharpeners”

And start calling them β€œpencil shorteners”. We’ll see how long my family can take it

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grizzlyhorse
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked all the countries in the world if they wanted to throw a party. All of them told me they can't because of covid.

Only one was like "Yemen"

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:

"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Fishy_Boi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I use a lot of the jokes from here, but I always tell folks where I got them.

Just giving cReddit where it's due.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do Norwegian battleships have barcodes on them?

So they can Scandinavian

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
WHICH POTATO RULES THEM ALL?

The Dic-tator.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/agentvision
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I got a bunch of crows together and tried to teach them how to sing

But it just resulted in a cacawphony

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zaeran
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to date three coconuts but had to break up with them

They were a little shy for my liking

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hasdog_willtravel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I've started buying restaurants and reselling them for a profit

I call it meal estate.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emu404
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What Sith Lord immobilizes his victims instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

Edit: The Sith Lord of politeness, Darth anksalot.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people told their dad that Dora has a visual impairment and that Boots and the viewers were her eyes. Then the father bought them Dora-themed gifts for Christmas.

And then someone commented "They must've thought you were a-Dora-ble.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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When I was in florida I saw signs saying "animal sanctuary 5$." so I decided to follow them but when I got there it was just a middle aged couple with hundreds of house cats and one dog in a cage.

It was a Shih Tzu

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HairyClefairy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Pun walks into a room with 10 people and kills them all.

Pun in, 10 dead.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Slaya
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said β€œplease I need to see”

I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dabstain
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Seven and eleven have the word 'even' in them....

I find that odd !!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends won't let me play football with them after I suffered a charley-horse

They said I cramp their style

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dvd86er
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
They really missed out on a great opportunity by calling them defibrillators

Should've called them heartbrakers

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
People get shocked after I work for them.

I wonder why they keep saying I am a bad electrician,

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
If you wanted to take a bunch of bullets and forge them into a sword fit for a king what Caliber would you use?

Excalibur

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
What rock group has only four members and none of them sing?

Mount Rushmore

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

β€˜Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

πŸ‘»πŸ‘»πŸ’€πŸ’€β˜ οΈβ˜ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatspin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in

Hadn’t cleaned the house all year

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the1nonlyevilelmo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!

Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redirishlad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a tea hater say to the waiter who brought them tea when they ordered coffee?

That's not my cup of tea.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BowelMovementator
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A farmer said to me β€œI have 68 sheep. Can you help round them up for me?”

I said sure. 70.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rfcoc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
TIFU by mixing up my coworkers' sandwich orders and not giving them what they requested.

Sorry, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dinner_cat96
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.

That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.

So, I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report

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