My wife looked at my son (7) yesterday and told him his shoes were on the wrong feet
Without missing a beat he said "They can't be, these are the only feet I have"
Proud dad moment!
I told my brother ten jokes to make him laugh...
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
Text message conversation with my dad the other day, where I out-dadded him.
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
A chemist froze himself to -273.15°C and everyone called him crazy but personally,
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
My friend found a deer stuck in a fence. It took him 3 hours, but he was able to rescue it.
He’ll do anything for a buck.
I served Elton John a boiled egg the other day. I asked him how it was, and he said....
"It's a little bit runny".
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"
"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
A man's daughter wanted to have a tea party with him...
... the man agreed, but he doesn't have much experteas in the subject
What did the whaler say when he caught his wife cheating on him?
My kid said he didn’t want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didn’t eat, his life would be at steak
A buddy of mine works on an oil field. I had to stop spending time with him..
Because his sense of humor was too crude
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I went to see my psychiatrist and told him that "no one understands me."
He said, "What do you mean by that?"
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
My friend Robert is a lawyer who specializes in helping convicted people by getting their records erased permanently. Everyone calls him...
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
My 3 yr old just cracked me up with this joke as I was putting him to bed
Why did the tree moo?
Because there was a cow stuck in it!
I got a new donkey today, I named him Hote
I guess you could say it gave him some wood
My dad got a gender reassignment and now I never see him
My son was playing with electricity, so I grounded him.
My friend works in IT and I asked him, “How do you make a motherboard?”
He said, “I usually tell her about my job.”
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted
He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when I was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
My son Luke loves that we named him after a Star Wars character.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club"
What did the electrician do to his son when he found him playing with electrical wires?
I get it, you hated him 4 years ago ...
... and you still hate him now. But now he's an official resident of Florida and I may see him differently now. I've seen a lot of hate thrown his way, but this guy is a consistent winner and an overachiever. That's what the people who support him love about him. Yes, there have been some scandals. Yes, there have been some lies and maybe a few times he's twisted the truth to make himself look better. He's out there everyday proving those haters wrong time after time. Call it jealously, call it envy. Some people just can't handle how successful he is and how much money he has. They could even be jealous that he's got a hot, foreign model as his wife. You may not have wanted him in this role, but he's there now and there is nothing you or I can do about it. I know it'll possibly get worse over the next several days, but like him or not, Tom Brady is turning things around in Tampa Bay.
I told my local garbage man how much I appreciate him.
I said I would be a mess without him.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing. He asked, “Can you describe the symptoms?” I replied, "Sure..."
“They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”
What did the man say to the hooker when she walked up to him?
My Grandad was rushed to the hospital with possible concussion, they asked him “whats my name?”
He said “we need another doctor, this idiot doesnt know his own name!”
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
A guy walks into a bar to find pieces of meat hanging above him…
He asks the barman about it and the barman explains, “If you can jump up and hit one, you’ll get a free drink, but if you miss, you have to buy everyone a round!”
The guy looks up and ponders for a minute then replies, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
My partner turned 40 today so I gave him some red, red wine and told him
When Chris Hemsworth was cast by Marvel they gave him an exercise routine. When asked what he thought of it, he responded
I was Thor just thinking about it.
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