My kids came out of school and told my partner they have made cards for her for Mother's Day. I asked for a card, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
I was talking to my neighbor's wife and she told me that her dog had bit her husband, so they had to put him down.
Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
I'll never forget when my dad told me, "Find yourself a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you!” A little taken aback, I asked him what he meant. He explained...
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them!"
A famous viking of the red clan came home one day and told his wife it's gonna rain tomorrow. She asked him how he knows. He told her:
Rudolf the red knows rain, dear!
Dylan's girlfriend broke up with him and told her she needed some time apart but Dylan went looking for her place anyway.
I guess he didn't know what apartment.
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
My niece was talking mussels from her father's bowl and left none for him.
Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?
Her, grinning: Yup!
Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?
(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)
My friend’s ex-wife is deaf, and she left him for her deaf friend.
He should have seen the signs.
No matter how attractive you may find him/her, never ask a photographer to step into a dark room and see what develops.
The answer is almost always in the negative. (Yes, it's a bad pun--enough to make you shutter.)
What did one melon say to her boyfriend when he asked her to run away and marry him?
My mom went to see her 92 year old father at his assisted living home yesterday and she said to him, "You sure like to take naps don't you ?"
He said, "Well this is a rest home."
A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks her to make him a giraffe.
Taken aback, she replied, "Well, that's a tall order!"
So a friend of mine was saying that her son was too demanding and that he needed to learn the world doesn't revolve around him.
I told her that hers does because he's her son and the world revolves around the son.
My dad and I were watching basketball the other day when his dog (Sophie) hopped up onto the couch beside him. He turned to her and said, "Who are you rooting for Sophie? The underDOG??!!!"
My girlfriend's brother moved to Vegas and her dad hasn't been out to visit him yet.
Brother: Why haven't you made the trip to visit me yet?
His Dad: I haven't the Vegas idea.
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