True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 26 2021
My wife got mad at me because I wouldnβt stop singing βIβm a Believerβ by the Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 02 2021
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her sheβs wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
My girlfriend totally changed when she became a vegan
It's like I never knew herbivore.
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 25 2021
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, βYouβre an 8 on a scale of 10.β
I still donβt get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
π︎ 9k
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︎ Mar 16 2021
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
My wife got really mad when I told her she had no sense of direction
She packed up her bags and right.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 22 2021
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
π︎ 257
π
︎ May 05 2021
My girlfriend said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
π︎ 115
π
︎ Apr 26 2021
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine she bought earlier was half empty
I told her because she is a pessimist.
π︎ 80
π
︎ May 05 2021
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
π︎ 102
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
My Wife said she would leave me if I didnβt stop singing songs by the Monkees, I thought she was joking
π︎ 149
π
︎ Apr 12 2021
Melinda was going to sue Bill for not giving her the amount of money she wan entitled to
So Bill said: "A lawsuit? For real? You know I always windows"
π︎ 17
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︎ May 05 2021
I call my wife Doe and she calls me Buck. My friend thought this was weird, so I had to explain...
They're terms of endeerment.
π︎ 74
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 13 2021
A woman walks into a bar. βIβll have an entendre,β she says to the bartender. βMake it a double.β
π︎ 113
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife shouted, "You need to do more chores around the house!" Groaning, I pleaded, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and calmly replied...
"Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you."
π︎ 77
π
︎ Apr 19 2021
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
π︎ 64
π
︎ May 03 2021
My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...
Itβs like Iβd never met herbivore
π︎ 447
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
I've suspected my Wife of adding extra soil to our garden, so I confronted her about it, but she just shrugged it off..
π︎ 617
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she was still alive today?
Probably scratching the inside of her coffin.....
π︎ 59
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
I invited my hot date to the gym for a training session, but she didn't show up.
That's when I knew that we weren't going to work out.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle?
They say she had a mean flow...
π︎ 11
π
︎ May 06 2021
My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in for an X-ray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 06 2021
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 42
π
︎ May 05 2021
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
If a woman sleeps with 10 men that means she's a slut. But what does that make a man if he does it?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 08 2021
I hear she has really come out of her shell.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
My wife said she's leaving me because I spend to much time trying to get reddit points for dad jokes.
π︎ 126
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
My wife works with birds at the zoo. The other day I asked her about the lifespan of a falcon. She said they usually live for about 15 to 20 years.
"I guess that means all the Millennial Falcons are gone."
π︎ 28
π
︎ May 04 2021
Got my gf good with this one just now... I showed her a picture of the Mexico City skyline and she said, "that's intense!"
I said no, I'm pretty sure they're all buildings.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 02 2021
A girl with three cats told me that she wanted to get another cat
I was confused why she wanted a hat made of forks
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Why can't Melinda go inside the house she got from her divorce?
Error 404: Gate not found
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 06 2021
Melinda was completely shook by her divorce. She had to see a therapist
She said to her therapist: "I feel like I am trapped in a room with no windows and gates"
π︎ 10
π
︎ May 05 2021
My wife loves it when I blow cold air on her when she's too hot..
Personally I'm not a fan.
π︎ 132
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
π︎ 178
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
I said to my grammar teacher, "My dad is worried about my test scores." She said "He was stressed."
You know, cos Pa's tense.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 06 2021
I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren't gonna work out.
π︎ 79
π
︎ Mar 22 2021
My wife told me she was going to run to the store
I said βyou dont have to, you can take the car!β
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
My teacher likes to start every day by reading a joke from Reddit. She was sick the other day, so
π︎ 111
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
My wife told me to stop singing βIβm a believerβ because itβs annoying. At first I thought she was kidding...
π︎ 22
π
︎ May 01 2021
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"
I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."
π︎ 23k
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
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