My mother told me she was abandoning the family to go across the world and study yoga. I had only one thing to say to her:
π︎ 32
π
︎ Mar 15 2021
True Story: tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said βmummy, youβve peeβd on the floorβ
Needless to say I was in stitches.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, βSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?β
π︎ 38
π
︎ Mar 13 2021
I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked βDid you condition her?β
So I said βyeah, I rang a bell and then fed herβ
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
π︎ 19k
π
︎ Sep 01 2020
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
My daughter got out of choir practice. She was talking about who her favorite conductors were, and was really excited about her favorite ones, because she said they were very good conductors.
Did they stick their fingers in an electrical socket?
"No... Why..?"
Well, then, how do you know if they were good conductors or not?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 23 2021
I was talking to my choir teacher and she asked me if Icing well.
I told her I don't work in a bakery
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I told my wife I was going to accompany her to get her Covid Vaccine, and see if they could do mine as well. She said they probably wouldn't. I replied, "I don't know..."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
Given that a case of the sniffles means staying home from school, we give my daughter a daily allergy medicine. My wife was giving her breakfast before school, and when I walked out, I asked if sheβd had her medicine yet.
My daughter said yes, and I replied, βSo youβre de-Claritin that youβve had it already?β
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 02 2020
My daughter was playing with my computer and she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 10 2021
I was talking to my neighbor's wife and she told me that her dog had bit her husband, so they had to put him down.
Then she asked if I could take out the trash weekly.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 19 2021
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
π︎ 94
π
︎ Dec 20 2020
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
π︎ 6
π
︎ Feb 11 2021
I've met this french business woman recently. She was so beautiful and so wealthy, I just couldn't resist her and her lovely
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
My daughter was all worked up, and I told her to relax. She screamed "I can't!!!".
So I asked her if she could lax again.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jun 24 2020
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...
...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. Itβs a viscous cycle.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
π︎ 462
π
︎ Sep 18 2020
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
π︎ 72
π
︎ Nov 06 2020
My wife went into labor today, so I read the front page of /r/DadJokes to her as a distraction from the pain. Unfortunately, she didnβt laugh once, was clearly not amused and I have no idea why...
It must have been the delivery...
π︎ 204
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
I was texting this nun and things were getting pretty hot and heavy. Then out of nowhere she stopped replying.
I still canβt believe she holy ghosted me
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldnβt work
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
My wife was walking downstairs with the laundry, and dropped it when she missed a step.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 22 2020
My infant son is a bit constipated. My wife was like "I want to weigh him today" and I said that's not a good idea. She asked why...
Because he is full of shit.
She responded "you shouldn't say that"
I responded "what he just lies all day."
Real convo
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 03 2020
Was at a dinner with a chemist when all of a sudden she became angry and starting throwing sodium chloride at me.
I'm pretty sure that's a salt.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 10 2020
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
π︎ 26k
π
︎ Aug 04 2019
My wife and I were making nachos, and she told me she was gonna start grating the cheese.
I asked her if penmanship counts.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Sep 14 2020
I was helping my wife carry the grocery bags inside the house. All of the sudden she gets mad at me and says to carry more stuff.
I mean I would carry more but my hands were tide.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 21 2020
She was drinking alone so I went over to her and gave her my best pickup line...
She's apparently not a Ford F-series fan.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
I was driving with my daughter when she suddenly pointed her finger to an orange sign and said βLook Daddy, Road Works Ahead!β
I said βI sure hope it works, or weβll have to take a longer route!β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
My mom was working in the kitchen, and she accidentally broke some tiles
And my dad said, "I told you that method would be fewtile"
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
My family was doing the dinner dishes together and our mum was washing the dishes in the sink. She asked βcould you guys load the dishwasher please?β
So my dad brought her a glass of wine.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
Mary Queen of Scots. My favorite one, but She was found guilty of high treason and the Head of the Monarchy was then..
π︎ 49
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
I was going to ask this girl out at my gym but she only had one leg and...
I'm lack toes intolerant.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...
"I'm measuring your patience!"
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Aug 24 2019
My girlfriend awoke and said she dreamed she was a small sailboat...
I replied, "well, you've always been a little dinghy!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 09 2020
My mom saw I was talking to a T-Rex and that we exchanged cash. She asked why.
I told her he is my small arms dealer.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, "Paper or plastic?" She responded, "It makes no difference to me. You choose." The bagger explained that he isn't allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
π︎ 624
π
︎ Jan 27 2020
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about the baby.
The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.
Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?
Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.
Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Aug 22 2019
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
