A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Never pick a fight with a music teacher

You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I've removed all the black keys from my piano

Hopefully I'll C Major improvement!

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gell0us
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Intervals aren't the first reason to learn to play an instrument.

But they are a major second.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SD_Swift
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I have two college friends who studied ancient Egyptian plumbing.

They were pharaoh faucet majors.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DragonHeinie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who studies ancient Egyptian plumbing?

A Pharaoh Faucet Major.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you study in music college?

A major

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phagocitosis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I dad jokes my dentist while she was actively working on me.

Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.

Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.

Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.

Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.

She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you make one vanish?

Math major: minus 1 duh

English major: Nah, just add β€˜g’ in the beginning and it’s gone!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/checkthisout1998
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a minor accident at the practice

Accidentally played a major

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alex_Schemman
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently gave a large sum of money to a corn farmer

It was a major stalk investment

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tim_the_Tool_Man
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the musician say to the soldier?

Do you C major anywhere

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IEatSauce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My son told me he has no idea what he wants to go to college for.

I told him he's got a major problem then.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LunacyBound
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me, β€œDid you experiment a lot in college?”, and I said, β€œOf course.”

I was a Chemistry major.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
🚨︎ report
The wrong dog was invited to the wedding

It was a major faux paw

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chagheill
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked me if she should go for computer science or psychology

I told her that whatever she chooses, it's going to be a major difference.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snoopy007AS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Christmas Joke

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. The man says to his wife "See, and trust me, Rudolph the Red knows rain dear!"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JBennett_29
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend just said to me that she supports Communism...

Sorry but to me that is just a major red flag!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StarLordTheBeast
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.

She said she was majoring in bye-ology.

πŸ‘︎ 93
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bigdaddyowl
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2018
🚨︎ report
I wanted to impress my friends, so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealJeemboo
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Nissan pun not related to Liam

The year is 2045, space travel has finally gotten started.

As major companies scramble to come up with ways to capitalize on this new venture, Nissan decides to end its most popular light truck.

As the last one rolls off the line, they announce: "This is it, folks. This is the Final Frontier."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dolaandronas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Tropical Storm Dorian

Tropical Storm Dorian is coming. It's going to have a real jazzy feel. Hopefully there aren't any #7s that come with it or it might turn into a Minor Major storm

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/padrict
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
🚨︎ report
In college, I took many classes on the study of past events surrounding scraps of food from a meal

I even changed my major to Ort History!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the computer programmer who was strung out on cough syrup?

He had a major codeine problem.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hey_mcfly27
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I was told to vacate the car yesterday

A friend of mine was telling me that she's a nursing major. I asked her "Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?" She asked "Who?" I said "The Hip doctor"

I was told to get out and leave.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/USCgamecocks
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Last night I watched a performance of the accapella group from the nearby army base.

It has Major problems.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Freklred
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I played a Spanish chord on my guitar

It must have been a Si Major.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SlightSigh__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Amazing dad joke at university orientation

I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves.

Me: "So, how did you end up in the south?"

Dad: "We drove."

Me: "No, I mean what brought you down here?"

Straight-faced dad: "The car."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maciej88
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the dentist who was displeased with all the awards his son was earning?

There was major plaque buildup.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJettisoned
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I was playing some guitar and someone came up to me

They told me my playing was awesome! I said: "I'm only playing sad music, 'tis nothing major"...

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YeszzAvrenite
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My 5 month old got to take home a teddy bear from the ER...

I named him Mrsa Major.

My son is okay. He doesn't have MRSA. But humor helps me (mom) immensely when I am - or my family is - in crisis. I have way better dad jokes than my son's dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dino_Mamma
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor that graduates at the bottom of his class?

Major

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/belly_bell
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend dadjoked me on a hike

We were right below the flight path of the major airport in the area because there was a plane that was fairly close to the ground. So I said "I wonder why they are flying so low?" to which she responds "I don't think so, they probably have more than one passenger." I stare at her... she goes "So low? Solo?" I laughed and groaned. She will make a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 792
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/McSippy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2014
🚨︎ report
A story from starbucks

I used to work at a starbucks with my best bud to earn some extra cash after school. Every day an hour or so before closing without fail this older indian man would come in and order two large coffees.

We started to talk with the guy since there weren't many other people in the shop and he told us is name was Haind Sahit and that he was a night worker which is why he drank the coffee. After a while, we would just have the coffee ready for him as soon as he came in the door.

One evening my friend went out back to pick some supplies for refill and had to get something from the top shelf, being a short guy he grabbed an old ladder and started climbing but one of the steps broke and he fell and hit his head pretty hard.

He was rushed to the hospital and woke up a couple days later with no major damages but with a light case of amnesia.

Once he got back on his legs he started working at the starbucks again and as soon as Haind heard, he came back to see how my friend was and stepped up to the desk to greet him. Sadly my friend couldn't remember him at all and just asked what he would like to order. Haind turned around with a tear in his eyes and said "You know, you should really have checked that ladder before you used it".

There was a glimmer in my friends eye and he immediatly started preparing two large coffees. As Haind saw he started smiling and crying and came around the desk to give my friend a hug. He asked my friend "What happened, how did you remember?" and my friend answered "Haind Sahit is always venti venti".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NuvyHotnogger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
🚨︎ report
When I tell my dad, " I need to hop in the shower real quick before we leave the house".

Ok, but I'd rather you hop real slow. Bathroom falls account for the majority of home injuries.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cypressinn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Never wear feline prosthetic limbs that have been given a high military ranking...

It's a major faux paw.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

πŸ‘︎ 454
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GargoyleSparkles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's favorite

My dad loves to build. Every few years he takes on a new major construction project; an addition on his house, a huge workshop, something. When he goes to buy lumber he always tries to set the salesman up for this doozy:

Dad: "I'm going to need three dozen 2x4s."

Salesman: "Sure. How long do you need them?"

Dad: "I'm going to need them a long time, I'm building an addition on my house."

(Edit: Structure and spelling (thanks DJUrsus)).

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-ClarkNova-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2014
🚨︎ report
At trivia tonight...

"He was a history major and he has never gotten a history question right for us!"

Me - "Well that's because those who study history can't repeat it."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anix421
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
So a guy decides to scare the living daylights out of some people on the highway....

So, my town has a major highway that runs through it, and a bridge that people can walk over. Well, some guy decides to tie a ball to a string and dangle it over the side of the bridge. That way, any car that goes under the bridge will think they hit something and the guy could have a good laugh. Well, a semi comes through, and the ball gets caught on the mirror. The guy's arm gets ripped clean off, and he's sent to the hospital right away. The truck driver gets pulled over as he's passing through another town. The arm is still dangling from the mirror. The truck driver is then arrested, for armed robbery. (Badum-tsss) (Thank you, thank you. I can't wait to get 3 whole karma for this one.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
🚨︎ report
This is precious

An hobbituary to Tolkien appeared in each of the major newspapers, all had a familiar ring to them.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
🚨︎ report
The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

πŸ‘︎ 148
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
🚨︎ report
Does this subreddit get alot of reposts?

So I am a major fan of puns and play on words and I pretty much have an entire folder on my computer dedicated to awesome puns I have found over time from the internet. I don't want people to get pissed for reposts. Post anyways or check every pun posted in the past month to make sure?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hsmm877
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A flat major.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsVinay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army camp?

A flat major.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATrollNamedRod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2016
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.