D&D pun
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/20Thatwiteguy02
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tomtomvissers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
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My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.

I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...

I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 102
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VAOkie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
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I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ToastyZ71
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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Ima start spelling weed ouiโ€™d cos I canโ€™t say no to it
๐Ÿ‘︎ 379
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shpam-
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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If Al Gore started a jazz band and wrote lyrics about math, they'd be the Al Gore Rhythm
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/arealhumannotabot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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G โ€“ A โ€“ B โ€“ C โ€“ D โ€“ E โ€“ G โ€“ F#

Damn!

I just majorly fucked up.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/incredibleinkpen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
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I used to date a Welsh girl who had 32 Dโ€™s

It was a ridiculously long name

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nxxname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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If Shrek were attracted to men and women, heโ€™d be bishrexual.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/__insignificant__
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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So, if you put Arlington County in Virginia together with Washington, D.C.,

Could that area be called AC/DC?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DENelson83
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl

...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.

Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling ๐ŸŽณ '

Thank you for the awards

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tinnber
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...

...an ether/oar situation...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Iโ€™d tell a joke about sentences

But itโ€™s too wordy.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RedShirtCashion
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding

She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/klwill1192
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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You'd be hard-pressed to find good cider in this town.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/lfantine
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.

I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/timthedriller
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
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My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.

When I asked how he managed to keep count,

He replied, "I keep a log"

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DementedOak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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My mum told me Iโ€™d never make a car out of spaghetti...

You shouldโ€™ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pixiemx
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
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I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that youโ€™d get the well-fortified tower area back.

Guys back then were playing for keeps.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/astrosmash77
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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I'd like to take this moment and say I endorse podiums.

That's a product I can stand behind!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hotellitrivago
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Iโ€™d like to stay for two Knights please.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 36
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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Oh! False One, You Have Deceiv'd Me
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Stretch_Aye
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Iโ€™d love to start a cheese business

But I lac-tose funds.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KaleepoBlues
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 08 2021
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The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.

After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RickRocktopus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
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Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.

Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.

"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.

Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JinTaisa
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?

Damn!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/D3ltaforc3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 29 2021
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I miss my deceased father and his dadjokes, so I figured Iโ€™d text him.

But I just got ghosted

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Kyveido
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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How'd I do?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gal-ina_buble
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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When I was a kid I thought weโ€™d all grow up to work with horses

All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/the_bradley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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It'd be awesome to have a DeLorean

but honestly I'd only drive it from time to time.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 49
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/PopoChubbs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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Someone dug a plethora of dโ€™earth. Now Iโ€™ve got a hole lot of nothing.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CatsCreepMeowt
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
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I was worried about how I'd react to antivaxxers.

But think I'm immune now.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DarkBlueMullet
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor

The Czech is in the mail.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/xwhy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Who's most well known for their big D?

Anyone that successfully defended their thesis.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shay9999
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.

I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."

"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/incredibleinkpen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
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I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.

But I pulled it off.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kdlaz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...

That way I could foil crime.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/mickerallen100
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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Did you hear that the new Obi-Wan show from D+ isn't going to have Liam Neeson in it?

Apparently his role was taken.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/loicwg
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...

It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kcflds
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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My friend said, โ€œYou have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.โ€

It was a third degree burn.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 50
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Merlin-5
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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I always had low charisma when I chose elf in D&D.

Maybe that's why I have such low elf-esteem.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RPawesomeness
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
So, earlier I was replanting my succulents and I offhandedly mentioned to my fiancรฉ I'd like to do gardening shit with my sis...

He replied, "She'd be super helpful since she's a HOE."

#mypunssucc #punnyshit

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/queefyqueen_j
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Whatโ€™d that cab driver say to the guy getting in his car with a cheap hooker?

Wear two

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RobertforApples
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
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Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."

Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 46
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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