D&D pun
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︎ Dec 04 2019
In honor of Motherโs Day, Iโd just like to say,
โthank you for your cervix.โ
๐︎ 5k
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︎ May 09 2021
I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 11 2021
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: โIโd like some chapstickโ
The pharmacist says โbut youโre a duck, how are you going to pay for that?โ
The duck says โitโs fine, just put it on my billโ
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︎ May 02 2021
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
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︎ Feb 22 2021
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Iโd like to make a joke about chemistry
But all the good ones argon
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︎ May 01 2021
Ima start spelling weed ouiโd cos I canโt say no to it
๐︎ 373
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︎ Feb 21 2021
I'm running a D&D campaign and I figured out the best riddle for the players to solve to open a door.
"Take thine father's blade and ascend!"
>!The solution is Pa's Sword 1234!<
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︎ May 03 2021
I'd like to meet the dentist that would handle this
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I thought Iโd spilt coffee everywhere on my keyboard.
Turns out it was all under CTRL.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
G โ A โ B โ C โ D โ E โ G โ F#
Damn!
I just majorly fucked up.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I used to date a Welsh girl who had 32 Dโs
It was a ridiculously long name
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︎ Apr 19 2021
If Shrek were attracted to men and women, heโd be bishrexual.
๐︎ 13
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︎ Apr 21 2021
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl
...I said I didn't even know he could play cricket.
Edit: Americans; replace 'cricket' with '10 Pin Bowling ๐ณ '
Thank you for the awards
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
๐︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
So, if you put Arlington County in Virginia together with Washington, D.C.,
Could that area be called AC/DC?
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︎ Apr 27 2021
My wife found out I cheated when she found all of the letters I'd been hiding
She swore she will never play Scrabble with me again
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Iโd tell a joke about sentences
๐︎ 5
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︎ Apr 20 2021
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
๐︎ 12k
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︎ Nov 20 2020
No one told me you'd get an allergic reaction if you stood in between Anna Kendrick and Phil Collins
I didn't expect the Anna-Phil-Axis to be so severe.
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Despite what you'd think, witches really like to shop at Hobby Lobby.
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︎ May 02 2021
You'd be hard-pressed to find good cider in this town.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
My lumberjack friend told me that he'd cut down a total of 13,207 trees.
When I asked how he managed to keep count,
He replied, "I keep a log"
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︎ Jan 19 2021
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
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︎ Apr 19 2021
Oh! False One, You Have Deceiv'd Me
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Iโd like to stay for two Knights please.
๐︎ 38
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I read that in medieval times, if you lost your castle to invaders during a siege, it was incredibly unlikely that youโd get the well-fortified tower area back.
Guys back then were playing for keeps.
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︎ Apr 05 2021
My mum told me Iโd never make a car out of spaghetti...
You shouldโve seen her face when I drove pasta.
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I'd like to take this moment and say I endorse podiums.
That's a product I can stand behind!
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︎ Apr 20 2021
Iโd love to start a cheese business
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︎ Apr 08 2021
What did the Jewish man tell his barber when he asked how he'd like his haircut?
Just a little off the top
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︎ Apr 29 2021
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
What did the Captain of the Evergreen Cargo ship say when he realised he'd messed up?
๐︎ 7
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︎ Mar 29 2021
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.
Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.
"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.
Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."
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︎ Mar 09 2021
When I was a kid I thought weโd all grow up to work with horses
All people ever talked about was getting a stable job...
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︎ Jan 14 2021
How'd I do?
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︎ Mar 08 2021
I miss my deceased father and his dadjokes, so I figured Iโd text him.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
It'd be awesome to have a DeLorean
but honestly I'd only drive it from time to time.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Someone dug a plethora of dโearth. Now Iโve got a hole lot of nothing.
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︎ Mar 19 2021
I was worried about how I'd react to antivaxxers.
But think I'm immune now.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
My friend from Prague came over to play D&D. Instead of just a face mask, he's wearing full body armor
The Czech is in the mail.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Who's most well known for their big D?
Anyone that successfully defended their thesis.
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I've been wearing this mask for so long, I wasn't sure I'd even be able to get rid of it.
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︎ Feb 25 2021
If I could be a superhero I'd be Aluminum man...
That way I could foil crime.
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︎ Feb 20 2021
I walked into my boss' office to tell him I'd like to be considered for a promotion.
I sat in the chair and said, "Boss, I want a higher position."
"Well, if you push that lever," he said, pointing by my legs, "the chair will go up."
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︎ Apr 02 2021
After the accident, the doctor told me I'd never be able to unclinch my hands again...
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
Customer: "I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese."
Cashier: "Sorry, we only accept cash."
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︎ Mar 17 2021
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