If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.
No need to remind her every half hour.
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
My daughter asked how old she will be next month.
My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sally’s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.
“Daddy”, she whispered tugging my shirt.
“Guess how old I’ll be next month?”
“I don’t know, honey.” I said as I slipped on my glasses. “How old?”
She smiled and held up 4 fingers.
It’s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My girlfriend and I always disagree whether tea or coffee is superior, she said tea will always be there to comfort you, I said...
One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her “my next ones will only last 50 seconds!” She said, “Really?”
And, I said “Yes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!”
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
I tag my wife in recipe videos she will never make and she tags me in home renovation videos I’ll never do
It’s a fun little game we like to play
My wife says she can't fall asleep after drinking coffee. For me I will the opposite...
...I can't drink coffee after I fall asleep.
A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?
She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.
The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.
She comes with a warranty.
When Joyce Byers' son went missing she lost her Will to live
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for
Ending a sentence with a proposition.
Jane Foster will be allowed to wield Mjolnir because she and Thor have an understanding.
They're in a polyhammerous relationship.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today... She wrote it on a sticky note
I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work. She didn not respond.
She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.
If a transgender adopts a child, he/she will become transparent.
My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because
It's my way, or the Huawei
Jackie Chan recently announced that they have received the surgery to transition from male to female. Though, despite this, the most shocking part of this interview was her saying she will no longer be doing her own stunts.
She just doesn’t have the balls anymore
Julie Andrews will not endorse that popular vibrant shade of lipstick. She says it breaks too easily and gives her bad breath. Her official statement on this........
The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.
My wife is always complaining she has been waiting for the day that i will love her 24/7
I just told her that day has finally come.
I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"
I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"
I will always remember the last thing my grandmother said to me before she kicked the bucket.
She said ‘look how far I can kick this bucket’.
What does the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom do when she wants to make a hard copy of the monologue she will deliver at her inauguration?
It's called a crush because he/she will CRUSH your heart.
My wife said that if I took one more picture of her, she will leave.
Wife and I are at my son’s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand master’s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, he’s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks I’m damaged in some way.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me.
“Dad, do you think mom will ever come back?” “Who knows son, women are fickle creatures.” “She’s been gone so long. Do you miss her?”
“I do son, but men aren’t allowed in the ladies changing rooms.”
Woman in hospital after being served daffodil bulbs instead of onions in her curry... don’t worry she will be out in the spring
its my mom, but she will fit right in.
Every time we drive past a field covered in bales of hay;
Mom- See those round bales of hay?
Kids- Yes.. ^* ^sighs ^*
Mom- They have been banned in Canada,
Kids- Orly? Why's that? ^^we ^^have ^^only
^^heard ^^it ^^a ^^thousand ^^times..
Mom- Because cows need three square meals a day! ^* ^laughs ^*
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
She was looking for a football ticket. He will make a great dad one day.
imgur.com/PNAcUAe
If you yell "IS IT GONNA SNOW?" at mother nature, she will respond "no!"
My father had me do this in cub scouts
I told my girlfriend that I will let her know what she can do with her hair, she asked "Who are you the hair police?"
I answered, "I'll put you in hair gel."
If a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, she will be...
No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
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