If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 31 2020
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If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?

Thanks for the Baghdad!

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Alpha_Supreme
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 23 2020
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My daughter asked how old she will be next month.

My daughter woke me around 11:50pm last night. My wife and I picked her up from her friend Sallyโ€™s birthday party, brought her home and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read and I fell asleep watching basketball.

โ€œDaddyโ€, she whispered tugging my shirt.

โ€œGuess how old Iโ€™ll be next month?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know, honey.โ€ I said as I slipped on my glasses. โ€œHow old?โ€

She smiled and held up 4 fingers.

Itโ€™s now 7:30am. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hours. She still refuses to tell us where she got them.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sarcasticpremed
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 13 2020
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My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!

For now, they're just cell mates.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/7_Pillars
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 07 2020
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My girlfriend and I always disagree whether tea or coffee is superior, she said tea will always be there to comfort you, I said...

Tea leaves

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/TheKiwiBlitz
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 17 2020
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One of my best friends had her 50th birthday today and I told her โ€œmy next ones will only last 50 seconds!โ€ She said, โ€œReally?โ€

And, I said โ€œYes, because it will be my 52nd birthday!โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/VolensEtValens
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 07 2020
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My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. โ€œWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!โ€ I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidโ€ฆ

โ€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 10 2018
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I tag my wife in recipe videos she will never make and she tags me in home renovation videos Iโ€™ll never do

Itโ€™s a fun little game we like to play

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Eastern-Medium
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 27 2020
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My wife says she can't fall asleep after drinking coffee. For me I will the opposite...

...I can't drink coffee after I fall asleep.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/darkmeatchicken
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Apr 24 2020
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A princess wants to choose her future husband. Her engineers create a maze full of deadly traps. After the struggle, four princes survive. The first three have both their hands cut off. The fourth one still has one hand left. Which one will she choose?

She will chose the fourth prince: he's the most hand-some.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/danielsoft1
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 10 2020
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The only reason I am voting for Elizabeth Warren is that she will bring stability to the White House. She will never be impeached.

She comes with a warranty.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/crazyjarvis
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 29 2020
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When Joyce Byers' son went missing she lost her Will to live
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Rohrohnoa
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 02 2019
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A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for

Ending a sentence with a proposition.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/justryingtokeepup
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 03 2019
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Jane Foster will be allowed to wield Mjolnir because she and Thor have an understanding.

They're in a polyhammerous relationship.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 17
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/JoeFas
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Sep 02 2019
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The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today... She wrote it on a sticky note
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/dubaidadjokes
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 13 2019
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I called my wife and told her that I will pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work. She didn not respond.

She is still mad about the names I gave our kids.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 44
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Quint_Cordewener
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 17 2019
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If a transgender adopts a child, he/she will become transparent.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/KnightRadiant17
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 08 2018
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My daughter wants the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she can have one if she gets good grades, does her chores and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone because

It's my way, or the Huawei

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/pmak13
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 28 2019
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Jackie Chan recently announced that they have received the surgery to transition from male to female. Though, despite this, the most shocking part of this interview was her saying she will no longer be doing her own stunts.

She just doesnโ€™t have the balls anymore

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ohsopoor
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 17 2019
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Julie Andrews will not endorse that popular vibrant shade of lipstick. She says it breaks too easily and gives her bad breath. Her official statement on this........

The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/2donutkid2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 14 2019
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My wife is always complaining she has been waiting for the day that i will love her 24/7

I just told her that day has finally come.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/g0dfarter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jul 24 2019
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I told my wife that I'm going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She asked, "Where will you find the time?"

I said, "Easy, right next to the sage"

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 21
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ZappBrannigansLaw
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 23 2019
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I will always remember the last thing my grandmother said to me before she kicked the bucket.

She said โ€˜look how far I can kick this bucketโ€™.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jovis18
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Mar 23 2019
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What does the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom do when she wants to make a hard copy of the monologue she will deliver at her inauguration?

She prints-a-speech.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 84
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/fnnythe3hd
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 28 2016
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It's called a crush because he/she will CRUSH your heart.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/1-STARrating
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 31 2018
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My wife said that if I took one more picture of her, she will leave.

Thatโ€™s when I snapped.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 17 2019
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Wife and I are at my sonโ€™s yellow belt ceremony and we see that the grand masterโ€™s name is Soon Man Lee, I chuckle she doesnt get why. I look her dead in the eyes, heโ€™s not manly yet, but he will be soon. Now she thinks Iโ€™m damaged in some way.
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Kuchi_Kopi_number2
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 17 2018
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When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? Hereโ€™s what she said to me.

No.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/porichoygupto
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 09 2019
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โ€œDad, do you think mom will ever come back?โ€ โ€œWho knows son, women are fickle creatures.โ€ โ€œSheโ€™s been gone so long. Do you miss her?โ€

โ€œI do son, but men arenโ€™t allowed in the ladies changing rooms.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Feb 22 2019
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Woman in hospital after being served daffodil bulbs instead of onions in her curry... donโ€™t worry she will be out in the spring
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/Moff123456
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Nov 24 2017
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
its my mom, but she will fit right in.

Every time we drive past a field covered in bales of hay;

Mom- See those round bales of hay?

Kids- Yes.. ^* ^sighs ^*

Mom- They have been banned in Canada,

Kids- Orly? Why's that? ^^we ^^have ^^only ^^heard ^^it ^^a ^^thousand ^^times..

Mom- Because cows need three square meals a day! ^* ^laughs ^*

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 59
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/jacazilla
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 27 2013
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My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/mmoffitt15
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jan 18 2017
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She was looking for a football ticket. He will make a great dad one day. imgur.com/PNAcUAe
๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 82
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๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/ConnorDubya
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Oct 22 2013
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If you yell "IS IT GONNA SNOW?" at mother nature, she will respond "no!"

My father had me do this in cub scouts

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/CaptMcButternut
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 17 2016
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
I told my girlfriend that I will let her know what she can do with her hair, she asked "Who are you the hair police?"

I answered, "I'll put you in hair gel."

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/sungawd
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Aug 24 2014
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If a woman says sheโ€™ll be ready in 5 minutes, she will be...

No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/BusyPooping
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ May 05 2020
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. โ€œWe had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!โ€ I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidโ€ฆ

โ€œOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.โ€

๐Ÿ‘๏ธŽ 214
๐Ÿ’ฌ๏ธŽ
๐Ÿ‘ค๏ธŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
๐Ÿ“…๏ธŽ Jun 05 2019
๐Ÿšจ๏ธŽ report

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