Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
They planet!
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveHood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they’re making a movie about the guy who invented the tampon?

It’s a period piece.

πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Berjiwhir
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
They're building a mirror factory in my town

I could see myself working there.

πŸ‘︎ 393
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mars-is-hot
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.

Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 772
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
They are having a wheel problem at the station
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MerseySideAlt9
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
They renamed the charger for the iphone.

Now they just call it apple juice.

πŸ‘︎ 871
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FartyMcFry89
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
They were so young...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shallelujah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What toothpaste do they use in jail?

Imprisonmint.

πŸ‘︎ 187
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
How dare they make someone else clean that up
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, β€˜This isn’t for me.”

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,

we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PavilionFlux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What flavour toothpaste do they use in jails ?

Imprisonmint.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog

It was a shih tzu.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaoscontrol71
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I went for an interview. They said, β€œCan you perform under pressure?”

I said β€œI’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RodimusMajor84
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Well they are free (found on reddit r/technicallythetruth )
πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhog
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
A pastor, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank, and the nurse asks what blood type they are.

The rabbit says, β€œI’m probably a Type-O”

πŸ‘︎ 618
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rmath12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Balloons cost more today than they did 10 years ago.

Inflation.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luckj
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold

It’s called Elon’s Musk

πŸ‘︎ 223
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonSolo1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Do they allow loud laughter in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha?

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Falcia
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Never trust an atom, they make up everything...

But I know I can trust molecules, we have chemistry.

Palpatine voice Ionic...

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2021
🚨︎ report
They sure did
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GauravAdh123
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"

"In case they get a hole in one!"

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/otzen1122
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of chairs do they use in Ireland?

Paddy O’furniture

πŸ‘︎ 632
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone, and I wondered why they were doing that...

Then IT hit me.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/obsidiandragon61
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
You know what they say...
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Retroman_86
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
They peliCANT do it
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DragoniteChamp
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
If they cloned the Dodo that could be considered a re-Dodo.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salsapancake
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Anyone else notice that when you REALLY need an eye doctor they are hard to see?
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Hate insect puns, they always bug me...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ISeeMemes27
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do astronauts never get depressed, even if they stay in outer space for months?

There's nothing there to bring them down

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that you’re no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...

Now you can only use a low ha

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedudenamedjay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Did they call it in?
πŸ‘︎ 144
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chadywacker
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...

All I said was: kale, seitan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sycdan
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What a breadful incident! Seriously dough, I hope they get batter soon.
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MayhemMendes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My Mom was a Radiologist. They met when my Dad came in to get an Xray.

I wonder what she saw in him.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
They always Planet
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Never trust stairs, they are always up to something
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
They have put together their own Mircosoft Teams
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andresdoughmas
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
So the cops just came to my door, they said my dog was chasing someone on a bike, I told them "my dog doesn't even own a bike"
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vicious5150
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Guess they should read the bio next time
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Littlegrayhair
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Sometimes Sundays are really sad, but I noticed today that they are never the saddest of the week

The day before is always a sadder day

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are ants always intelligent? Because they always have the ANTswer
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Wolf9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:

β€œYou wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”

πŸ‘︎ 381
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πŸ‘€︎ u/souphead420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.

I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Ordered Eggs Benedict at a diner and they served it to me on a hubcap.

There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.

Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Moose_Winchester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
You know, some people are so scared when they see a bear they go into...

Kodiak Arrest

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordAppleJuice07
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report

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