Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
Did you hear they’re making a movie about the guy who invented the tampon?
They're building a mirror factory in my town
I could see myself working there.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus.
Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.
They are having a wheel problem at the station
They renamed the charger for the iphone.
Now they just call it apple juice.
What toothpaste do they use in jail?
How dare they make someone else clean that up
I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
What flavour toothpaste do they use in jails ?
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
Well they are free (found on reddit r/technicallythetruth )
A pastor, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank, and the nurse asks what blood type they are.
The rabbit says, “I’m probably a Type-O”
Balloons cost more today than they did 10 years ago.
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
Do they allow loud laughter in Hawaii?
Never trust an atom, they make up everything...
But I know I can trust molecules, we have chemistry.
Palpatine voice Ionic...
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?"
"In case they get a hole in one!"
What kind of chairs do they use in Ireland?
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone, and I wondered why they were doing that...
You know what they say...
If they cloned the Dodo that could be considered a re-Dodo.
Anyone else notice that when you REALLY need an eye doctor they are hard to see?
Hate insect puns, they always bug me...
Why do astronauts never get depressed, even if they stay in outer space for months?
There's nothing there to bring them down
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that you’re no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...
Now you can only use a low ha
I called in an order for pickup at my local vegan grocery, but they said they don't serve devil worshipers...
All I said was: kale, seitan.
What a breadful incident! Seriously dough, I hope they get batter soon.
My Mom was a Radiologist. They met when my Dad came in to get an Xray.
I wonder what she saw in him.
Never trust stairs, they are always up to something
They have put together their own Mircosoft Teams
So the cops just came to my door, they said my dog was chasing someone on a bike, I told them "my dog doesn't even own a bike"
Guess they should read the bio next time
Sometimes Sundays are really sad, but I noticed today that they are never the saddest of the week
The day before is always a sadder day
Why are ants always intelligent? Because they always have the ANTswer
I went to dinner with a couple of Vikings and they kept tapping on the table and laughing. I finally asked what was so funny and they said:
“You wouldn’t get it, it’s Norse code”
I begin my new job tomorrow, proofreading for Merriam-Webster, the online dictionary. I asked them if I'd be starting at nine, and they told me to fuck off.
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
Ordered Eggs Benedict at a diner and they served it to me on a hubcap.
There’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean
You know, some people are so scared when they see a bear they go into...
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!
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