My eldest wanted to know why I wouldn't lend him any of my tools, but I let his younger brother, the prodigal son, borrow whatever equipment he wants.
Simple, I said, the prodigal son returns...
A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
Her: whatever floats your boat
Me: Water works the best!
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
Whatever else you might do on Halloween, don't eat a ghost!
Whatever you do, don't look at the sun through a colander...
You will strain your eyes
Whatever you do always give 100 %.
Unless you are donating blood.
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."
"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.
I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.
Imma wall street banker now
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
Whatever floats your boat
I mean... I guess whatever floats your goat.
PSA: if you receive an email with the subject ding dong. Whatever you do, don’t open it.
It’s the Jehovah’s witnesses working from home
The decision for a liquid to fill the shape of whatever container they are in is...
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.
Everything was comedy gold.
Whatever floats your boat....
The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar...
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you...
Whatever you say Mr. Pear
Back in the old days you could send whatever you wanted to, to someone and they’d take you seriously, they’d believe you cause
Dont know if you've all heard, but there's been an email going around about canned meats. Whatever you do, do NOT open it...
I told my buddy that I was having a cookout and that he could bring whatever meat he wanted. He showed up with a box of sausages.
It was a wurst case scenario.
Just mentioned to the Mrs that I’ve always had a little bit of a thing for Beyoncé. “whatever floats your boat” she said. “No” I said “that’s buoyancy”
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...
I said I don't have too many loose screws.
She smiled.
It's a grandpa joke but whatever. 'Kids, when you're my age, you'll really want to wear diapers again for 2 good reasons'
'What are the reasons?'
'#1, and #2'
'Oh grandpa...'
'You don't understand. #2 was a solid one'
'Stoooop'
'And you should already understand #1, it runs in your genes'
Next time make an LGBTQ+ Or whatever
Whatever you do, don't spell part backwards
Whatever happened to Shrinky Dinks?
They were big for a while...
I just finished binge-watching an entire series on NetFlix or whatever it is!
It was a documentary on doing things in moderation.
I was absolutely livid at my doctor. He said I had a brain tumour that wasn’t malignant, whatever the hell that meant.
I was visibly panicking, but I lost it when he said it’s
“All in your head.”
I explained to my son that whatever he tried to get away with, his mommy would know...
Whatever you do, don't read /r/dadjokes
(not entirealy sure if this counts but whatever)
What did Batman say to Robin before the got in the car
Get in the car.
Whatever the next four years brings us Americans...
By the next election year, we can all say that hindsight's 2020.
Whatever you do, don't take a, s, r, d and add them to i, r, s, t, and e, and then stir...
That's a recipe for disaster.
Husband: tonight I want to be generous. Ask me whatever you want in bed...
Wife: ok, please don’t snore
Whatever you do, don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden
Whatever you do, do NOT open an email that you've already opened.
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
I told my buddy that I was having a cookout and that he could bring whatever meat he wanted. He showed up with a box of sausages.
It was a wurst case scenario.
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I brought home for the weekend asks what's wrong.
Lol, jk I'm a redditor, I've never brought a girl home, and that is why I'm the one in a state of Missouri.
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