I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.

It’s a real game changer

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/struggling-here
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: whatever floats your boat

Me: Water works the best!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/starwars93
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.

I think it was Scampoo.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deceze
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Whatever else you might do on Halloween, don't eat a ghost!

They taste like sheet.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMHeenan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do, don't look at the sun through a colander...

You will strain your eyes

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meh_Belleh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."

"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Yesterday someone told me that whatever job I do at my bank isn't a fancy one, so I decided to do something about it.

I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.

Imma wall street banker now

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stent_kush
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do always give 100 %.

Unless you are donating blood.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The decision for a liquid to fill the shape of whatever container they are in is...

InVOLUMEtary

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minzato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
PSA: if you receive an email with the subject ding dong. Whatever you do, don’t open it.

It’s the Jehovah’s witnesses working from home

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YellowSnow2807
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Whatever floats your boat
πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i-puntificate
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.

Everything was comedy gold.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrammerTheGamer
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I mean... I guess whatever floats your goat.
πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ClubTactical
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Whatever floats your boat....

The indecisive rower couldn't choose either oar...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Whatever I said, whatever I did I didn't mean it, I just want you...
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danlikedat
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Whatever you say Mr. Pear
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mehaxe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Back in the old days you could send whatever you wanted to, to someone and they’d take you seriously, they’d believe you cause

Those were just fax!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Dont know if you've all heard, but there's been an email going around about canned meats. Whatever you do, do NOT open it...

It's Spam.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my buddy that I was having a cookout and that he could bring whatever meat he wanted. He showed up with a box of sausages.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...

I said I don't have too many loose screws.

She smiled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Just mentioned to the Mrs that I’ve always had a little bit of a thing for BeyoncΓ©. β€œwhatever floats your boat” she said. β€œNo” I said β€œthat’s buoyancy”
πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Next time make an LGBTQ+ Or whatever
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kourai04
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2019
🚨︎ report
It's a grandpa joke but whatever. 'Kids, when you're my age, you'll really want to wear diapers again for 2 good reasons'

'What are the reasons?'

'#1, and #2'

'Oh grandpa...'

'You don't understand. #2 was a solid one'

'Stoooop'

'And you should already understand #1, it runs in your genes'

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gets_the_dad_joke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2017
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do, don't spell part backwards

Because it's a trap

πŸ‘︎ 649
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSnider
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2017
🚨︎ report
Whatever Valentines joke you’re gonna make, I’ve probably already Reddit
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acephoenix9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I just finished binge-watching an entire series on NetFlix or whatever it is!

It was a documentary on doing things in moderation.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Whatever happened to Shrinky Dinks?

They were big for a while...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ggppjj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2018
🚨︎ report
I was absolutely livid at my doctor. He said I had a brain tumour that wasn’t malignant, whatever the hell that meant.

I was visibly panicking, but I lost it when he said it’s β€œAll in your head.”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/neloc1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I explained to my son that whatever he tried to get away with, his mommy would know...

She's momniscient.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/big_buddha
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do, don't read /r/dadjokes

It's pundemonium

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tikifire86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
(not entirealy sure if this counts but whatever)

What did Batman say to Robin before the got in the car

Get in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spooklett
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
Whatever the next four years brings us Americans...

By the next election year, we can all say that hindsight's 2020.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/micronerd01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Husband: tonight I want to be generous. Ask me whatever you want in bed...

Wife: ok, please don’t snore

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yubimarcano
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Whatever floats your boat youtu.be/jbNvPoumEVU
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LilAFromTheBlock
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2017
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do, don't take a, s, r, d and add them to i, r, s, t, and e, and then stir...

That's a recipe for disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do, don't accept friend requests from Lizzie Borden

You will get hacked

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/debonair-yeti
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2017
🚨︎ report
Whatever you do, do NOT open an email that you've already opened.

You're gonna see read

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iMrMcGibblets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2017
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.

His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I told my buddy that I was having a cookout and that he could bring whatever meat he wanted. He showed up with a box of sausages.

It was a wurst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tvkyle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I brought home for the weekend asks what's wrong.

Lol, jk I'm a redditor, I've never brought a girl home, and that is why I'm the one in a state of Missouri.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Whatever you say dad.

My dad says this all the time: I'm never wrong, once i thought i was wrong but i made a mistake.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UntitledParadox
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
🚨︎ report

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