Dad to his son; βDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?β
Son; βGo on, then.β
Dad growls; βNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!β
Son; βThatβs Superman.β
Dad; βThanks, Iβve been practicing a lot.β
π︎ 15k
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︎ Oct 23 2020
I personally want to see Radigascar
π︎ 390
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︎ Dec 07 2020
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
π︎ 27k
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︎ Sep 16 2020
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
π︎ 75
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︎ Dec 24 2020
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE
Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".
π︎ 104
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Want to hear a circumcision joke?
π︎ 265
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︎ Dec 04 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 173
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︎ Dec 18 2020
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, βDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?β In my best bear voice, I replied...
βNo thanks, Iβm stuffed!"
π︎ 74
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
π︎ 145
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︎ Dec 03 2020
A man went to the doctorβs and told him, βI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.β
He said, βWow, thatβs the worst case of parking sonβs disease Iβve ever seen.β
π︎ 11k
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︎ Sep 17 2020
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, βDo you want to hear todayβs special?β
I said, βYes please.β
Waiter: βNo problem sir. Today is special.β
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
π︎ 17k
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︎ Sep 13 2020
I didnβt want to get too cocky
So I only wished for a medium dick.
Itβs still small, but now it can talk to ghosts.
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Do you want to hear a physics joke?
Wait, I forgot watt was it.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?
It was a force of hobbit.
π︎ 104
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I want to bake all my bread from now on.
You can say is a loaf-ty goal.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 18 2020
My kid said he didnβt want the tri tip I bought him for dinner
So I told him if he didnβt eat, his life would be at steak
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I want it that waaay..
π︎ 942
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︎ Sep 28 2020
When I die, I want to be cremated.
π︎ 55
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︎ Dec 11 2020
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...
Iβm not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!
π︎ 141
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︎ Nov 30 2020
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...
I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt Iβd share it with reddit.
My kid came up to me and says βoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaidβ as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.
I looked at my kid and said βI donβt think it needs a bandaid, he looks like heβs going to bounce backβ
π︎ 149
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︎ Nov 20 2020
You want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
π︎ 49
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︎ Dec 12 2020
I told me my doctor I didnβt want her to give me stitches.
She said βfine, suture self.β
π︎ 12
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︎ Dec 15 2020
Who wrote the song: "All I want for exile, is you"
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Want to hear a pun about ghosts?
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 29 2020
Want to hear a chimney joke?
I Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
π︎ 30
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︎ Dec 07 2020
Tattoo place wants you to Walken (OC)
π︎ 25
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︎ Dec 08 2020
That is a bike I want!!
π︎ 59
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Why donβt you want to fight Santa?
Because he has a βblack beltβ
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 19 2020
What does a male sheep say when he wants to credit a female sheep?
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 22 2020
I want to get a pet duck
But Iβm broke and I hear they come with a huge bill.
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 27 2020
I want to open a Chinese food buffet
It will be called "All You Can Eat and Dim Sum"
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 16 2020
An man at a bar didnβt want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldnβt even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said βWhy were you out all night?β He said βHow did you find out?β
She said βThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair againβ.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 26 2020
Obi-Wan didn't want to eat his vegetables
So, Qui-Gonn had to force him...
π︎ 26
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︎ Dec 01 2020
I was driving and I saw a packet of crisps and I asked βwant a lift?β
They said βno thanks weβre walkersβ
π︎ 6
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︎ Dec 19 2020
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
π︎ 17
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︎ Dec 14 2020
My wife wants to go vegan
I feel like my marriage is at steak
π︎ 18
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︎ Nov 26 2020
Say what you want about dad jokes...
...but they're all relatively funny
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 07 2020
My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.
But oops, I did it again.
π︎ 18
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︎ Nov 27 2020
Do you want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke
Joke
Joke
Joooooooooooooooooooke
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Want to hear my joke about construction?
Never mind, Iβm still working on it
π︎ 13
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︎ Dec 18 2020
All he wants is a drink
π︎ 76
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︎ Nov 12 2020
Why did the hippo want weed for Christmas?
He was a hippo pot a must.
This is so dumb...I apologize now to all of you ha ha ha.
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 05 2020
I want dedicate this dad joke to my farther, who is a roofer.
So, Dad, if you're up there...
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Waiter: do want a box for your leftovers?
Me: no. But Iβll wrestle you for them!
π︎ 3
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︎ Dec 06 2020
What puns can I tell when I want to tell my friends I got a boyfriend?
π︎ 4
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︎ Oct 23 2020
You want the names of the tiny shrimp secret agents?
Sure, I could tell you...but then Iβd have to krill you.
π︎ 11
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︎ Nov 25 2020
Bert and Ernie are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Bert says "Hey Ernie...want some ice cream??"
π︎ 102
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︎ Oct 09 2020
Old Farmer: If you want your crops to grow, you must remember to fertilize your land properly.
New guy: That sounds like bullshit.
Farmer: Yes, exactly.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 17 2020
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Jun 22 2020
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