Dad to his son; β€œDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?”

Son; β€œGo on, then.”

Dad growls; β€œNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”

Son; β€œThat’s Superman.”

Dad; β€œThanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/exmoor456
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I personally want to see Radigascar
πŸ‘︎ 390
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ETsUncle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

πŸ‘︎ 27k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jomjimmerjome
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter wants a horse...

But first we need a stable income.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
WARNING FOR EVERYONE WHO WANTS THE KFC GAME CONSOLE

Avoid getting a console on launch day. Multiple units had to be recalled due to the circuit boards being "fried".

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ILikeCodecaine
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Want to hear a circumcision joke?

[removed]

πŸ‘︎ 265
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Sheev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear, when she asked, β€œDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?” In my best bear voice, I replied...

β€œNo thanks, I’m stuffed!"

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

πŸ‘︎ 145
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, β€œI feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”

He said, β€œWow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn’t want to get too cocky

So I only wished for a medium dick.

It’s still small, but now it can talk to ghosts.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatostomach
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want to hear a physics joke?

Wait, I forgot watt was it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BgDoggo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did Bilbo Baggins not want to give up the ring?

It was a force of hobbit.

πŸ‘︎ 104
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Suffocatedwallaby
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to bake all my bread from now on.

You can say is a loaf-ty goal.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wasprobot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid said he didn’t want the tri tip I bought him for dinner

So I told him if he didn’t eat, his life would be at steak

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Devin-707
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I want it that waaay..
πŸ‘︎ 942
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When I die, I want to be cremated.

I think I've urned it.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...

I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My kid is at the point where they want to put bandaids on everything...

I swear this is a true organic dad joke I had tonight. Felt I’d share it with reddit.

My kid came up to me and says β€œoh no, look dad, it needs a bandaid” as she gently presents her imaginarily injured bouncy ball.

I looked at my kid and said β€œI don’t think it needs a bandaid, he looks like he’s going to bounce back”

πŸ‘︎ 149
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruum-502
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
You want to know where I store all my dad jokes?

...in a dad-a-base

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thendof
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.

She said β€œfine, suture self.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/20ftScarf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Who wrote the song: "All I want for exile, is you"

Pariah Carey

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmoBM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Want to hear a pun about ghosts?

That's the spirit!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Want to hear a chimney joke?

I Got stacks of em! First one's on the house

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Tattoo place wants you to Walken (OC)
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatsagoodpint
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
That is a bike I want!!
πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t you want to fight Santa?

Because he has a β€˜black belt’

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NTIMPORTANT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a male sheep say when he wants to credit a female sheep?

'Thanks to ewe...'

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to get a pet duck

But I’m broke and I hear they come with a huge bill.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to open a Chinese food buffet

It will be called "All You Can Eat and Dim Sum"

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwiersma26
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.

He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said β€œWhy were you out all night?” He said β€œHow did you find out?”

She said β€œThe bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeGoHungaBunga
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Obi-Wan didn't want to eat his vegetables

So, Qui-Gonn had to force him...

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GodsOwnTypo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I was driving and I saw a packet of crisps and I asked β€œwant a lift?”

They said β€œno thanks we’re walkers”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OrangeTramp7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did.

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RodrigoOrtuno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wants to go vegan

I feel like my marriage is at steak

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/legend_1_am
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Say what you want about dad jokes...

...but they're all relatively funny

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BossJackWhitman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you want to hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke

Joke

Joke

Joooooooooooooooooooke

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hollowshiningami
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Want to hear my joke about construction?

Never mind, I’m still working on it

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boi771
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
All he wants is a drink
πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loot98
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hippo want weed for Christmas?

He was a hippo pot a must. This is so dumb...I apologize now to all of you ha ha ha.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I want dedicate this dad joke to my farther, who is a roofer.

So, Dad, if you're up there...

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Waiter: do want a box for your leftovers?

Me: no. But I’ll wrestle you for them!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What puns can I tell when I want to tell my friends I got a boyfriend?
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reginanine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
You want the names of the tiny shrimp secret agents?

Sure, I could tell you...but then I’d have to krill you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LaChuteQuiMarche
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Bert and Ernie are sitting on the couch, watching TV. Bert says "Hey Ernie...want some ice cream??"

Sherbert

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CoffeeFuel82
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Old Farmer: If you want your crops to grow, you must remember to fertilize your land properly.

New guy: That sounds like bullshit.

Farmer: Yes, exactly.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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