When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...

Turns out identity theft is a crime.

πŸ‘︎ 226
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrek_on_twitch
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"A TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 259
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My son told me he wants to become a comedian

I told him to stop joking

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/floydopedia
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...

It was my honeydew list.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, β€œDo you want to hear today’s special?”

I said, β€œYes please.”

Waiter: β€œNo problem sir. Today is special.”

Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.

I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stampeed13
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...

...I will not be deterred!!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astrosmash77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...

I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My neutered cat wants to kill me

But he doesn't have the balls.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rairishu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: Do you want to watch porn or golf?

Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**

Taken from fb

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XDG-Diggz74
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.

She said β€œfine, suture self.”

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/20ftScarf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielsoft1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Today my friend asked me β€œWhat kinda shit would make you want to stay home all day?”

I said β€œDiarrhea for sure”.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/El-Tarzan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend want me to join him in hoarding

He says they have everything

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTreelo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she wants to put a cross over the toilet.

I said, holy shit, that's a great idea!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gottabtru
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

πŸ‘︎ 595
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.

I said, "Ok, boomer."

πŸ‘︎ 219
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterrandom1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I made up a joke so get ready to hate on me. Trump (I know it's topical).... Trump was nervous during the election and was asked "hey, do you want some spiced tea"?

He replied "Chai, nah".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…

I SAID MAYBEEEE!!

πŸ‘︎ 162
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πŸ‘€︎ u/this_onekid
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend wants to carpool with me to work, but I'm scared

Cuz he likes to take a route that goes through this LONG tunnel

And I have carpool tunnel syndrome

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
This makes me want to get a green thumb
πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed β€œangle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.

I guess I’m just too square to try angle.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PopTarnekPop
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
- You don't want to suffocate me?

β–ͺI'll do it smother time.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uno_moss
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...

"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?

The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.

πŸ‘︎ 614
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
No one wants to listen to Whitesnake with me !

So here I go again on my own

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.

I said, β€œWell sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”

To which she replied, β€œOh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my GF why she chose this salad over the drum and bass salad, she wants to disown me.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ribbers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
One time my friends really wanted me to join them for a fishing excursion. I didn't want to at first but eventually joined them...

I am afraid that I succumbed to pier pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Listening to sonic heroes makes me want to destroy a certain amount of robots

I wanna crush 40 robots.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wants me to embrace my feminine side

So I crashed the car

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaotic_psychotic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
They told me "be the change you want to see in the world!"

So I became 50 Cent.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyNetF1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I want to post a Tik Tok video of me playing my guitar but...

... I'd probably be band.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a weird side-effect from Covid; it makes me want to grope an ethnic Belgian dwarf...

...I'm feeling a little Flemish.Β Β  cough

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"

Give me a second I'm still working on it.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wheezy360
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I wouldn’t want to either. Looking at him, makes me itch.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dxmont
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
After an argument, my cooking instructor wants me to stew goose feathers gently below or just at the boiling point...

She wants me to simmer down!

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 180
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phoqkhan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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