Me: What do you kids want for dinner?
Kids: I don’t know.
Me: Sorry…fresh out of that.
This back and forth dialog happens several times a week in my house.
my 7 year old daughter told me this one. Why didn't the apple want to date the banana?
Because she didn't find him appealing
My wife wants me to blow air on her whenever she overheats, but honestly...
My wife is trying to convince me to have weird matching Halloween costumes. She wants me to be a deadbolt.
I think she's a little dorky
This woman walked up to me in a bar. She said, "You know what I want? I want a man that can make jokes about space!"
I said, "You'll meteorite man some day."
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!
Nobody wants to listen to Whitesnake with me…
So here I go again on my own.
My son wants to become the President, so that he can be like me.
I too always wanted to be the President.
My boyfriend grabbed me, kissed me passionately and said “Honey, I want you to make me moan”
So I gave him a once-over with the lawn strimmer.
My wife wants to go on a cruise without me ...
I want to open a star trek themed coffee shop called "Bean me up Biscotti".
My friend Bart didn't want to go to a bar with me.
He was scared of bartenders.
My Australian friend asked me, “Do you want to watch the latest Bond movie?”
Me: No Time to Die?
Friend: That’s ok. How about tomorrow?
My wife wants me to blow air on her any time she gets hot.
The wife and kids went to my in-laws for a cookout, I stayed home to work on a few projects. She sent a text, "do you want me to bring home some brats?"
I responded, "is there an option to leave them all there?"
A science lab supply company sent me a cute scientist cat sticker with their new product cat-a-log! (PM me if you want to know which company)
My wife was heating up some leftovers for lunch. She asks: "Hun, do you want me to heat you up a plate?"
"Sure, but can you put some food on it first?"
I told my parents I want to be a musician. They gave me a good beat
A bird with a colourful beak just pecked me and now I want my revenge...
My dad always told me that I could be any person I want. But the FBI disagreed with this.
Apparently identity theft is a crime.
Dad, I want to thank you for teaching me the proper use of the word 'plethora'
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
During a divorce hearing the judge ask the son if he wanted to live with his mom or dad. The son answered, "neither they both beat me." So the judge asked, "who do you want to live with?"
The son answered, "the U.S. Women's Soccer Team. They only beat themselves.
My wife asked me why I want a new baby
I told her, “Just for shits and giggles”
My son told me he wants to become a comedian
I told him to stop joking
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
My boss wants me to sign up for a 401K...
I’m not sure how he expects anyone to run that far!!!
My financial advisor wants me to do the whole investor thing.
I bought the vest, any recommendations on a good tour I can take? So I can do my In Vest Tour
Tell me mommy, at first did you want a boy or a girl?
At first I just wanted to take a shower
I told me my doctor I didn’t want her to give me stitches.
She said “fine, suture self.”
Got offered a voice-acting role in the new Emoji movie sequel. They want me to play the Poop Emoji. People say I should accept the role and be grateful, but I’m holding out for a classier part...
...I will not be deterred!!
My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.
**Genie: I will grant you 2 wishes** **Me: I want to be rich.** **Genie: Okay granted, second wish?** **Rich: I'd like loads of money.**
My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.
But oops, I did it again.
My neutered cat wants to kill me
But he doesn't have the balls.
My birtch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce.
She said she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
Me: Do you want to watch porn or golf?
Wife: Porn. You already know how to golf.
Soon just got me without this one: "Hey Dad, want to hear a construction joke?"
Give me a second I'm still working on it.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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