You want to know where dads store all the dad jokes?
They store it in dad-a-base.
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︎ Mar 25 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
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︎ Apr 09 2021
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I want to tell a vaccine joke
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︎ Feb 18 2021
If you want to weigh a whale you take it to a whale weigh station. So where do you go if you want to weigh a pie?
Somewheeere over the rainbow...
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︎ Mar 30 2021
Anybody want to start hanging out?
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︎ Apr 10 2021
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
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︎ Jan 08 2021
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Do you want hair, with more volume?
πππ
π£HAAAAIIIIIRπ£
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︎ Feb 18 2021
Want to know what paper is
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︎ Mar 31 2021
Want to make your water bed bouncier.....
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Why did the block of cheese not want to get sliced ?
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︎ Apr 06 2021
If the end of the world happens, I want it to be hailing taxis.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I only hear what I want to...
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︎ Mar 25 2021
When I die, I want to be buried with my wedding ring on.
That'll let God know, that I've been through hell already.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
You don't want to get on a tree's bad side.
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︎ Mar 12 2021
My wife and I don't want kids
So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
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︎ Mar 03 2021
I donβt just want bread.
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︎ Mar 28 2021
Anyone want my old copies of Chiropractor Monthly ?
I have got loads of back issues.
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︎ Feb 15 2021
What do you say to a yak when you want it to speed up?
Yakcellerate! (My 5 year old made this up)
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Where don't you want to find a pearl?
In your lovers clam!
Inspired by the Jolly Rancher story.
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︎ Mar 31 2021
Dad to his son; βDo you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?β
Son; βGo on, then.β
Dad growls; βNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!β
Son; βThatβs Superman.β
Dad; βThanks, Iβve been practicing a lot.β
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︎ Oct 23 2020
I want to train a dog to make bank deposits
Training them to make withdrawals just seems a bit too far fetched.
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︎ Mar 16 2021
I wood not want to spend it
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︎ Mar 03 2021
What is it you use when you want to close a sentence, and, you know stop one thing to start another; I mean how do you bring one sentence to an end so you can start another one, hang on, Iβve found it .
Apologies this was a very difficult period for me.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Whatβs long, surprisingly bigger then expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from
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︎ Apr 10 2021
Why didn't the man want a spring mattress
Because it was still winter
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︎ Apr 01 2021
I decided I want to do some more exercise after listening to Queen.
I want to ride my bicycle.
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My coworker : My Zodiac sign is Libra ; I want everyone to get along.
Me : I'm a Cancer ; While nobody wants me, I still grow on them.
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Daylight Savings pun. I donβt want to spring ahead. I want my Auerbach.
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I've noticed that a lot of math teachers don't want to be mean...
They strive to be above average.
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︎ Mar 24 2021
You can travel to Alaska if you want...
but I wouldn't Anchorage it.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
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︎ Mar 12 2021
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
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︎ Sep 16 2020
Why did the 3 want to hook up with the other 3?
Because of the six appeal.
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︎ Feb 25 2021
The wife and I have decided we donβt want kids
Theyβre not taking it very well
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︎ Feb 02 2021
"What do we want?"
"Bigger placards"
"When do we want them?"
"No"
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︎ Mar 02 2021
At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."
My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I want to tell you about a girl that ate plants
but you've probably never heard of herbivore!!
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︎ Feb 22 2021
When you want to throw things at French politicians, an egg is un Εuf
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︎ Mar 01 2021
How do you reject someone who wants to elope?
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︎ Mar 02 2021
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︎ Mar 11 2021
Today, I didn-t want to dress like a winner. But I didn't want to dress like a loser either.
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︎ Mar 13 2021
If you donβt want to oversleep donβt just set your Alarms...
But make sure you set your Blarms and Clarms too!
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
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︎ Mar 03 2021
You want some humantaschen?
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︎ Feb 25 2021
Anyone want some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly ?
Iβve got loads of back issues.
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︎ Feb 16 2021
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