My dad wanted to post something on Reddit and I told him there’s specific subs he would want to post on and certain ways to post
And he responded “oh so there’s reddiquette to it then”
(Also he’s on Reddit now so if he sees this then hi dad)
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids.
When I got home, they were still there.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
A duck wants into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist: “I’d like some chapstick”
The pharmacist says “but you’re a duck, how are you going to pay for that?”
The duck says “it’s fine, just put it on my bill”
I want to tell a vaccine joke
I want you to be "Br" but without the bro.
Do you want to hear a new word I made up?
My dad always told me that I could be any person I want. But the FBI disagreed with this.
Apparently identity theft is a crime.
My wife asked me why I want a new baby
I told her, “Just for shits and giggles”
I didn't want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there
Never thought cannibalism is so yummy(Another one of the ones that I want to cross post but r/puns bans cross posts)
When I was little my mom told me I could be anything I want to be...
Turns out identity theft is a crime.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I want a new bum for Christmas
Want to know why I'm not a trapeze artist anymore?
I don't want to be an alarmist, but...
...my father has an alarm company and I'm going to inherit it.
I decided I do not want any children
If anybody wants one, I can drop her off tomorrow.
I want to try one of those mushrooms they found on Mars.
I bet they're out of this world.
My wife and I have decided that we don't want children
And if anyone does we can drop them off at the weekend
At first I thought I didn't want to be a professional footnoter for a scholarly works...
But it was love at first cite!
I want to be buried with my record collection.
That would be my vinyl resting place.
My eldest wanted to know why I wouldn't lend him any of my tools, but I let his younger brother, the prodigal son, borrow whatever equipment he wants.
Simple, I said, the prodigal son returns...
Even though I've never met you, I know how to spell your name. Do you want to know how?
I saw a dude’s truck that said Master Baitor on it one time now I don’t fish but I want that
I really want to try Kool-Aid, but...
I can’t figure out how to get 2 quarts of water in that tiny little envelope.
I want to sell my vacuum
It was just collecting dust.
If the end of the world happens, I want it to be hailing taxis.
You want to know where I keep all my dad jokes?
FIRST DATE: Her dad: "I want her home before midnight."
Me: "But you already own her home."
Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."
Credit to u/psybermonkey15
I only hear what I want to...
When I die, I want to be buried with my wedding ring on.
That'll let God know, that I've been through hell already.
I wood not want to spend it
I want to train a dog to make bank deposits
Training them to make withdrawals just seems a bit too far fetched.
The wife and I have decided we don’t want kids
They’re not taking it very well
I decided I want to do some more exercise after listening to Queen.
I want to ride my bicycle.
Daylight Savings pun. I don’t want to spring ahead. I want my Auerbach.
I sat down for dinner at a restaurant, and the waiter asked me, “Do you want to hear today’s special?”
I said, “Yes please.”
Waiter: “No problem sir. Today is special.”
Edit: You guys are way too generous. Thank you.
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
I've noticed that a lot of math teachers don't want to be mean...
They strive to be above average.
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
I want to tell you about a girl that ate plants
but you've probably never heard of herbivore!!
My coworker : My Zodiac sign is Libra ; I want everyone to get along.
Me : I'm a Cancer ; While nobody wants me, I still grow on them.
At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."
My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop
but when I got home, all the signs were there.
My wife and I don't want kids
So if anyone does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
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