Never ask a horse for advice.
They are a bunch of neigh sayers.
A English man, a Spaniard, a French man, and a German. Go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said
I went to my parents house for dinner and when I walked through the front door my mom asks,"Are you hungry?"
So I told Her,"No.I'm half German and half Irish."
I’m a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....”looks like you have the best job” he says, “why is that?” I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
Every time my dad goes to the eye doctor, they ask him to read the smallest text on the chart out loud.
He says, "Printed in China."
This is a true story lol.
A priest in a big church in Paris has a job interview with a new bell ringer. The priest asks “why should I hire you?” The applicant responded “I have a special talent!”
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
Please bring my x back, don't ask y :(
People ask me why I hate grapes
I dared to ask my wife why she is ordering a giant tub of Whiteout from Amazon.
A musician walks into a locksmiths, and asks them:
"Do you have any spare keys?"
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
The Dalai Lama hands over a $10 bill, and asks for his change.
The man behind the counter says, "No, change must come from within".
One wind turbine asks the other one “what kind of music do you like?”
The other one says “I’m a heavy metal fan.”
Any time I ask my dad how he learned Braille, he refuses to give me a straight answer.
For him, it’s a touchy subject.
Whenever someone asks me if I prefer maples, elms, or oaks, my response is always the same:
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks,”What’s with the steering wheel?”
To which the pirate replies,”Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts.”
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes.
Coffee maker asks the coffee pot...
"Where's all the coffee?"
Coffee pot replies, "We were mugged."
What do you call a salamander that asks a lot of questions?
People always ask me how i sneak chocolate into theatres
Well, lets just say, i have a few Twix up my sleeve
A scientist walks into a lab to pick up a dozen beakers for a new experiment he’s been working on, and the lab clerk hands him 13 upon his arrival. “13?”, the scientist asks, “I wanted a dozen!”
The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.
She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally, he gets his suit. He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers. He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait. Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
It is always make me uncomfortable when people ask about my step-ladder...
... I never even knew my real ladder
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
A builder asks his son what sound does a frog make?
I ask someone, what's the most brain dead subreddit
He replied with r/Zombies
People ask why I make dad jokes despite not having any kids of my own.
The truth is, it's genetic. I actually come from a long line of dads spanning many generations.
A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender "how much?"
The bartender replies "For you? No charge."
A woman checks out of target with two apples, a banana, and a quart of ice cream. The cashier asks, “Are you single?” The woman replies, “Yes, how could you tell?”
People ask me how I got so good at martial arts
I have a senseitional trainer
A genie asks, “What is your first wish?”
“I want to be rich!” Replied the man
“Ok Rich, what’s your next wish?”
The wife asks if she got fat during the quarantine
I said you were never skinny to begin with.
Time of death 1 minute later.
People ask me where I am stealing all my dadjokes from
When does a joke become a “dad joke” you ask?
When it becomes apparent.
I am asking the last person that was able to ask Regis Philbin a question to please come forward.
I have to know what his final answer was.
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
A woman asks her husband in the morning regarding breakfast.......
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
People ask why I have a collection of large scissors.
I tell them it is for the shear fun of it
How well did the battery made using chicken ovules work out you ask?
Why do you always know ask on the fridge before opening it?
Just in case there is a salad dressing.
A man is at home, when his girlfriend arrives, she rings the bell and then he asks:
-"Who is it?"
-"It's the love of your life"
-"Impossible! Beer doesn't speak!"
Is it a good restaurant? How can you ask me that? I mean...
Couldn’t ask for a better set up
What did the elephant ask the naked man?
How do you breathe out of that thing?
People ask me where do I see myself in 5 years?
I tell them in a mirror silly. How else will I be able to see myself.
At the end of a call at my job, I ask if there’s anything else I can help with.
Guy (being bugged by his kids in the background) replies, “Yeah, can I put 9 and 12 year olds in your recycle containers?”
I replied, without skipping a beat, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry, We JUST stopped accepting those ages. We are currently taking 8 and 10 year olds.”
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. He asks, "How much?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
The cake shows up to the talent show and takes center stage. When the judge asks what is his talent. He replies...
My Dad comes into my room looking really worried, I ask him what was wrong and if there was anything I could do to help, He responds by saying "I lost the book which had all the photos and message from my friends"
Knowing a slam book could not be replaced I tried consoling him, but I remembered digitalized it for him a year ago I quickly logged on to the PC to check if I had a backup. He quickly smiled and said it had a Blue cover, after about 10mins of searching I asked him if he remembered what I named the book. He burst out and said Facebook.
Frustrated I left the room to find my entire family sitting in the hall, and my mother goes "He did it to you too, didn't he"
And I'm here perplexed by the lengths a dad would go for his jokes.
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies...
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
I was wearing a soccer jersey in the bathroom and this guy walks in and asks 'European?'
And I said 'Nope I'm a peein''
I won a duel last week with a block of cheddar cheese. How you might ask?
Because it was extra sharp.
Scrooge awakens in the night to an apparition; he asks: “Who are you?” His dead gastroenterologist responds:
“I am the ghost of gasses passed.”
Daughter: “Dad, ask me who sings this song. I’ll give you a clue, it starts with the letter ‘S’!
Dad: “First, ask me if I care. I’ll give you a clue, it starts with the letter ‘N’”
My friend ask me how Kim Jong Un’s dad died
Because he was Kim Jong ILL
How do you kindly ask for a cops help?
A photon is going through airport security, when the security guard asks if he has any luggage.
The photon replies "No, I'm travelling light."
True story: Driving back home, my 5 year old son says "How do you spell 'penis'?". My wife looks at me curiously and then asks "Why?"
After a few moments of silence, my son replies "That's it?"
Today, my dad asked me if I could help him build his paver patio. He said if I couldn’t help, he would ask an Irish guy he knows.
A termite walks into a bar and asks...
A guy goes into a library and asks about books on premature ejaculation. The librarian tells him the book is checked out til next week.
The guy comes in the next day looking for the books again but quickly apologizes. Sorry I came early.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
Response to any time your child asks you when something happened.
Well son, you were in Baghdad back then.
When ever someone asks me, “what are you up to?”
I tell them last time I checked, I was 5’9.
Why should you never ask Rick Astley to borrow his Pixar collection?
Because he’s never gonna give you “Up.”
So after becoming a father, my dad and I were talking about how we couldn’t believe any man would walk away from his kids. My dad says dead beat isn’t a good enough name so he asks me what they should be called. I said:
If you want an unbiased opinion ask a blind person
They blind test everything
People always ask me why I made a hip hop album about yogurt.
I tell them that I did it for the culture.
Me: Ask me what I think about windmills.
My mom: What do you think about windmills?
Me: Big fan.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."
A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.
The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."
A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.
The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"
Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.
"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"
"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."
"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."
"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"
The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could
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Why do people gasp when I ask them about my lost dog?
All I'm asking is have you seen my weiner? It's about about 18" long and likes to be rubbed... Doesn't bite.
Daughter asks if she should learn how to write Japanese
Well, I said go left ahead.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her dad some questions...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
This year my dad is celebrating his birthday for half a minute. Why you may ask?
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
Nobody ever asks "How is Coke doing ?"
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Two goldfish are in a tank. One leans over to the other and asks...
“Do you even know how to drive this thing?”
My dad always asks me for the wrench
I gotta hand it to him, he knows how to fix a car
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
A monkey asks another how does he have sex.
A router goes to see the doctor, and the doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"
The router replies "It hurts when IP".
Son: "Dad I know you're an English teacher, but can I ask you the date in Roman Numerals?"
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
I was trying to ask my friend when her birthday was and she kept forcing me to walk around the room
Every time I ask, she tells me to march first.
I just wanted to ask...
How are y'all doing during given this Pun-demic situation
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
Mortician walks into a bar and asks for a stiff one...
Bartender says: "he's in booth six"
Ask not for whom the babybel tolls
A man asks a professor, "Do you think Einstein's theory was good?"
The professor replies. "Relatively."
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
The worst place to buy a chess set you ask?