"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Because he was 2 squared.
“I play a little guitar!"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
"Do you sell flip flips?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
Ruff.
The man reply’s: “Unfortunately the stairs don’t talk.”
That's where I draw the line.
I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.
Cashier: “sir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
The Jamaican man replies he just wanted to poke a mon.
So he gives it to her.
The beekeeper replies: "Sure, and I'll throw in the 13th as a freebie..."
“Sir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies “Oh, that’s a freebie”
I tell them it’s stationary
His friend replied, "That would be a pain in the ass."
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
But no one believes me when I say Iran.
^(For everyone confused, Iran is in between Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.)
I mean well.
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
"I'm a huge metal fan"
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
"6 please. I could never eat 12."
I told him it's my negative karma.
I replied "Yes you may, go right ahead and ask"
She said she didn't know, so I said roughly.
So in a deep voice she said "I DON'T KNOOOOW"
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
So we got some punch and left. This joke kinda fell flat since their wasn't even a punchline to begin with.
My friend says, did y'all know that in Australia they have a store called yute-r-us?
I told him that’s an outstanding question.
How much do you whey?
Like bro you were there!
"...mountains peak!"
Granny replied, "Never mind the pills. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
Because he was 2 ²
Ruff.
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
