>
A hard pass.
"Got any plants this weekend?"
I thought, that's a big step.
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
On the way home from school:
Me: "Hey, my friends want to catch dinner and a movie on Saturday..."
Dad: giggles "Did you tell them they could go?"
Because he was 2 squared.
...an ether/oar situation...
"It's a site for sore eyes."
...It was a down grade.
But it already had a date with the recycling.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
It's because all his grades where under da c
“Currently”
My daughter said yes, and I replied, “So you’re de-Claritin that you’ve had it already?”
I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."
I entered the wrong restroom
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
I said that the scope is broken on my high powered rifle
Jerry can.
That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.
"He was always looking down on me!"
Sorry, wrong bathroom.
Talk about a snooze fest.
Now I can't read it.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
I replied "okay".
Told her I would sleep on it
...she left me on felt
She said: “My anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”
So is the piano shop owner next door.
I replied, Perhaps mourning would...
Caesar nodded in the affirmative and then added "ate two, Brutus."
(My dad actually texted me this joke this morning. I’m 31 years old.)
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
Me- “You gave me one too many”
Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
I said, “No, we will still be friends.”
I simple told him "It's no Gouda!"
He said, “vet? I’m fucking soaking”
I told him "It's because I can't stand sitting."
He said 'sure, which way did you come in'
I have been milking that excuse for weeks now.
Nah...they're mine, I said.
"Dont worry, those are freebees"
What's the opposite of 'in'?
Because he was 2 ²
Cause he was 2 squared
Sorry, wrong bathroom
