"That's M'Shell on my back!"
"Do you sell flop flops?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Because he was 2 squared.
“I play a little guitar!"
She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
"Bargain" the man says.
"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
Ruff.
I said, "Sure, why not?"
I replied I had never thought about it before, but I suppose I’ll take the right side.
Cashier: “sir, I meant mashed potatoes, corn, or beans.”
“Will my son able to speak again?”
That's where I draw the line.
The man reply’s: “Unfortunately the stairs don’t talk.”
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
“Currently”
I tell them : "Its not about the money; Its about sending a message"
The Father responds with: “You bet your ass!”
The Jamaican man replies he just wanted to poke a mon.
On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!
Me: I just looked next to the mash potatoes and there it was!
Source: tedthestoner2.0.
Lemon-aid
“Sir, you gave me an extra!” he says. The beekeeper replies “Oh, that’s a freebie”
So he gives it to her.
I tell them it’s stationary
String: "I'm a frayed knot."
[removed]
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
The beekeeper replies: "Sure, and I'll throw in the 13th as a freebie..."
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".
His friend replied, "That would be a pain in the ass."
But no one believes me when I say Iran.
^(For everyone confused, Iran is in between Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.)
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
"I'm a huge metal fan"
I mean well.
Because he was 2 ²
"Do you sell flip flips?"
Ruff.
