My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 259
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08
🚨︎ report
I go to a support group for people who talk too much

It’s called On-and-On-Anon.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FuzzySlug
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25
🚨︎ report
I tried to talk to my daughter about her chicken nuggets obsession, it didn't go well.

It was a tender subject.

πŸ‘︎ 180
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
I know a guy, Jack, who can talk to vegetables

Jack and the beans talk

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Talk no jutsu
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DevangAbhyankar
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
My son hates art so much that his body releases gas every time we talk about it

F art

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doorbell28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the midget who could talk to the dead that was running from the police?

He was a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24
🚨︎ report
Which Transformer can't talk?

Optimus Mime.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Abcd4321__
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two friends named Doug that got in a fight and don’t talk anymore?

Now they’re both Doug-less

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Skagbaronkris
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks about…

…the other four letters?

πŸ‘︎ 577
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
Why don't dinosaurs talk ?

Because they're dead

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14
🚨︎ report
How did Palpatine talk to Kylo Ren before episode 9?

Snoke Signals

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PhilTheGerbil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30
🚨︎ report
When Dad talks to you in his STERN VOICE is he just speaking...

..out of his ass?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
I phone, you tube. We talk.
πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Aashma360
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
Did you know monkeys could talk

It’s just every time you ask them a question they are either too excited β€œOoh Ooh” or nervous β€œUhh Uhh” to ever finish their thought.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HumanLevelHard
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27
🚨︎ report
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, "My door is always open".

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DGNOLA12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
Corn is such a good friend to talk to

They’re all ears

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sakins1228
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
When I want to talk with people I just met I talk to them about climate change

I find that it's a great ice breaker

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
Money will talk!
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quiescam
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
It's hard to talk my kids about sex

It's a pretty touchy subject

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VideoGameAdict100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11
🚨︎ report
I need to talk with someone about what I should do with my urge to buy woodshop grippers...

I need vise vice advice.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
its hard to talk to kleptomaniacs because they take things... literally
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blipityblob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
A son talks to his bad hearing dad

Son: I just watched Harry Potter, and that girl is so cute!

Dad: Watson?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Damuotoko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.

It was the elephant in the womb.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sgri0b
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
You should never talk about the Titanic on a first date...

It's a terrible Icebreaker

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crimson37x
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Why are online talks so hard to follow?

Too many speakers. Every device has one.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madjholu
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
I own a fish that can talk.

I asked him, "What lights up your night?"

He said " Blub"

Sorry, he's a bit dyslexic.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
Police: We need to talk to your son about the fire at your neighbor's place

Dad: Do you mean arson?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaushik_220601
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œI think we need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm an arborist, but my wife hates it when I talk about forestry.

I feel like I can't boreal with her.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
How do Vikings talk to each other?

Using Norse code

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 23
🚨︎ report
Dogs talk to us all the time

You just have to know what questions they're answering, like, what’s a tree trunk covered in, what’s the french word for egg, how does sandpaper feel, what’s on the top of a house, what’s 1 divided by two

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/euxneks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
How do you talk with a German?

You co-munich-cate with them.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wspoons5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
Im sorry i can't talk today. I have p!nk eye
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SyringeWinge
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
If oranges could talk, what language would they speak?

Mandarin.

πŸ‘︎ 128
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eidolonxero
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22
🚨︎ report
Why don’t catholic priest talk about molestation in the church?

It’s a touchy subject.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dose172
πŸ“…︎ May 14
🚨︎ report
My wife has gotten into being a furry and it's all she talks about!

She's become un-bear-able.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
'We need to talk'

Thought the caveman.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
Everyone braging about big Dicks, well I have a medium Dick, it can talk to ghosts
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bjaguarr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I've always been able to talk to dogs.

I mean they don't understand me or anything, but still.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
If he won't talk I guess it's just a stairing contest
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Thorvals
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t the oak tree talk to anyone?

It didn’t want to dialogue.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/procrastiprov
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
I talk a lot about incontinency

I just can't hold it in.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joicseth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
🚨︎ report
My family complains that I never talk during breakfast because I still read a newspaper.

You can say.... I’m behind The Times.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
Don’t talk to me while I’m trying to sew this small rip.

I needle little space.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
My grandfather would talk to ghosts who’d tell him what size clothes to wear,

He was a medium.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
🚨︎ report
I hate when people talk about humility!

The only time I experience humility is when I get in my hot car and it feels hard to breathe!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTimeDictator
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14
🚨︎ report
What do you call a dwarven convict who can talk to spirits and escape prison?

A small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hufflestuff33
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
I asked if it was ethical to talk about brains

They told me it was a gray area.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Drug Talk

Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs

Me: Ok but i talk a lot of shit when I’m high

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JM-Vlogs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
I told my wife we needed to talk

Recently she's been socially distant

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatalaskatack
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
My friend used to sincerely talk about the works of Hemingway...

He was Ernest.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02
🚨︎ report
Me and my ex cell mates talk all the time.

We like to talk about spreadsheets.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InkJetPrinters
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29
🚨︎ report
I used to know a guy who was all about getting his waffle in the morning. That's all he'd talk about! He'd even take people's toast out of the toaster and put in his waffles.

He's such an Eggo-maniac

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
Who is Fleur Ting, and why do people assume I’m her while I talk to girls?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-E-Droflah
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15
🚨︎ report
Someone kidnapped the Easter Bunny, hoping to steal his stash of candy. But the Bunny was steadfast and wouldn't talk.

Couldn't get a Peep out of him.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
I have an addiction to unpowered flight puns, but I don't like to talk about it.

It's a soar subject.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
Why couldn't Humpty Dumpty often talk with the townspeople, after having his great fall?

He'd crack under the pressure

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because

Communication is key

πŸ‘︎ 99
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OMEN786
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
All this talk about Australia...

Is spreading like wildfire.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlackeyeThe2nd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
Dad, you have to talk normal and stop speaking in single letters. Can’t you see I’m going crazy?!

O I C U R

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shimmywaffles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18
🚨︎ report
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 233
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youessbee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a lot of talk about zamboni driver David Ayres getting a once-in-a-lifetime win, but I don't think we've seen the last of him in the NHL. /r/hockey/comments/f8c0jh…
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jchurch8073
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
How do you talk to a giant?

Use big words.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chef__Goldblum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
My wife is nervous about having to talk to strangers on a cruise we are about to take.

I said, β€œDon’t worry. We are all in the same boat.”

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I once put a list of symbols on a map and everyone still talks about it.

It's a legend.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04
🚨︎ report
If I could talk to squirrels...

I bet I'd have a pretty nutty conversation.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HyperGameGuy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My parents don’t talk about foreplay in front of me

They say it’s a touchy subject

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShowPan69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, 'My door is always open!'

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
I tried out a weight watchers group therapy session but no one would talk about their experiences.

There were just too many elephants in the room

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife just told me that β€œwe need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 485
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Jack that can talk to vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk!!!

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkDG
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: But I talk shit when I'm high

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
Does anyone talk to themselves?

Or is it just me

credit to /u/Maacca19

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JKyyy_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
Told my daughter not to talk about the brakes on her car.

They’re really sensitive.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Toeknuckles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
In class the teacher told me to stand up and talk about something I’m not good at begging with the letter C.

I chose spelling.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrScotty15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26
🚨︎ report
A man is pulled over by a cop for speeding. He tries to make some small talk. "So, how was your day?"

"Fine"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aryacooloff
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07
🚨︎ report
Thats why communist talk a lot
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilMurloc22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
All this talk about llamas are annoying...

Alpaca my bags.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterGTLucas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
How do billboards talk?

Sign language

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Olt44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Helium tried to talk to his friends calcium and aluminium

But they were busy on a CaAl

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen, the door is always open.
πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend is elated that Bruce Willis is coming to his college to give a talk...

He's a die hard fan.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Just a little Jeep talk
πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jjonez76
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 596
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My deaf wife just told me that β€œwe need to talk.”

That was not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That’s not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 263
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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