If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back: β€œSure, my door is always open.”

πŸ‘︎ 21k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me that β€œwe need to talk”.

That isn’t a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 869
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate people who talk about me behind my back...

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
So, I’ve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I don’t buy into it.

I guess you could say that I’m anti-biotic.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emblemofthecosmos
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
🚨︎ report
What’s with all the talk about horny bugs in Washington D.C.?

I keep hearing about the capital insect erection.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ukimeouch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
Alternative Title: We're hair to talk reddit.com/user/redditads…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confused_Blue_Jay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
How do you talk to giants?

Use big words!

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podfather2000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
πŸ‘︎ 624
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olivercloseoff80
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of vegetable refuses to talk to you?

An incommunivocado.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhesusfecespieces
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Studies have revealed that cows produce much more milk when the farmers talk to them.

It's a case of, in one ear and out of the uddet

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.

I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwarvenfriend
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.

Her: What can I do for you?

Me: I'm looking for a date.

Her: Oh, what kind of dates?

Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gliscor_dude
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08
🚨︎ report
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.

I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a robber who talks a lot?

A babbling crook

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cee_ayy_vee
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do court room stenographers talk loudly?

Because they’re hearing aides!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schnaffoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: talks to my date

My friend, looking at me weirdly: why are you talking to a fucking FRUIT?!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rozsaszin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you name your daughter Margarita, when she talks back or gets sassy you can say,

"I didn't ask for salt on the rim Margarita!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bthemau
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.

I thought they'd be smaller.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pdarigan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I had one of the first computers that could talk.....

But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickcheney600
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
It used to be taboo to talk about plastic surgery.

Now if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shane0clock
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
such a prick to talk to
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sssuuurrreeee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...

I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dawsonju
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Talk no jutsu
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevangAbhyankar
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did no one talk to the Cutless

Because it doesn’t go straight to the point

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.

They are part of the bite club

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/legend_1_am
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...

...It was a close call.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What language do dumpsters talk in?

Trash talk! (My little brother made this joke, I'm proud of him)

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsItKevinito
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture

I said we could table it for now.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhoDeNguyen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried to talk to my daughter about her chicken nuggets obsession, it didn't go well.

It was a tender subject.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Which cheese talks to itself in the mirror?

Haloumi

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trigrex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I always thought it was weird that no one talks about demons in Africa.

Then I remembered-they bless the rains down in Africa.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_kermit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.

I guess he's put his foot down.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 428
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.

Communication is key...

πŸ‘︎ 249
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThaCrimsonChinn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate when people talk about me behind my back.

They discussed me.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gnamflah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My deaf girlfriend just told me, β€œWe need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

πŸ‘︎ 256
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, just talk to the lock.

Communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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