So I was talking with a friend about states
me: do you know the abbreviations for ohio and oklahoma?
friend: no
me: oh ok
What do you call a weird guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language?
My friend and I were talking about another friend who became a preacher when he suddenly showed up seeking advice for his sermon...
I said, "well, speak of the devil!"
How can you stop an Italian POW from talking?
Tie his hands behind his back....
Talking about uterus at dinner... Don't ask
My friend says, did y'all know that in Australia they have a store called yute-r-us?
I was spelling out words to my wife so my daughter would not know what we were talking about.
She told me to stop spelling, it was giving her a headache.
Me: “O K”.
The Biggest Loser’s contestant talking about his opponent:
“I’m not worried about her, she is a lightweight.”
I like talking to my kids about the benefits of dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
I saw my neighbor talking to her cat this morning...
It was clear she thought the cat understood her.
I came inside and told my dog. We had a good laugh about that.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
“You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
Talking with my 7-year-daughter today, I said, “Are you kidding me?!” She said...
“No! Wait, I am kidding you. I’m a kid!”
I love this kid.
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
Today I will be talking about the Makita 18V Cordless 1/2-Inch Hammer Drive
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Talking with my brother: “Hey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”
“That just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”
A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Sometimes I think my toilet's talking to me.
I think I might be schitzophrenic.
I was talking to an interior designer recently, who had just designed Adeles gaming room
She said “Adele was a good person to work for, but we had problems with her computer desk. I put it on one side of the room, and Adele got pretty angry.”
She said Adele replied “No! I want to play Halo from the other side”
A man is talking with his therapist...
Therapist: It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Therapist: Yeah, that’s the main one.
My wife dumped me for only talking about video games.
It’s such a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
2 blondes talking. "I had a pregnancy test today" says the first.
"Were the questions hard?" asked the second
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.
The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel
I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”
11 year old Daughter talking about her school assignment: ”Have you heard of Helen Keller”?
Me-Dad: “Nope never seen her either”.
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...
I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.
My son was trash talking Jim Morrison, so I sent him to his room.
Nobody slams the Doors in my house
A man was chopping down a tree but was surprised when the tree suddenly exclaimed, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"
Talking in his sleep is a hobbit
My smooth-talking Thanksgiving "gobbler" was overdressed, trendy, pretentious and showy...
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What do you call two people talking about their Chuck Taylor All Star shoes?
An episode is talking to his father
They are sitting on a beach gazing upon a water of other episodes, he asks "Dad what's that?" and father replies "That's season"
My trigonometry teacher loves talking about unrelated subjects for a long time
I guess you could say that he sometimes goes off on a sin/cos
Probably the real monster Eminem was talking about
My son hates it when I make Computer jokes while talking to him. One day, he took my laptop and...
I was talking to my dad about Bastille Day.
He said, “Isn’t that the day when everyone robs all the fish from the water?”
Bass-steal day.
What did the lumberjack say to the talking tree as he swung his axe?
Finding Nemo was good but seriously talking animals?!
The premise, the movie, Nemo, it was a little fishy.
You need to stop talking to me about vegetables.
Tree before it gets cut down: wait! I'm a talking tree!
Lumberjack: and you will dialogue
I'm about to chop this talking tree
Tree: wait I’m a talking tree!!
Lumberjack: yes, and you will dialogue
A lumberjack was about to cut off a tree when it suddenly said "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The lumberjack then said: "And you will dialogue."
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