Couple of coworkers talking about which eye they shoot with...
then they asked which eye I shoot with. I said neither, I use my finger.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
So I was talking with a friend about states
me: do you know the abbreviations for ohio and oklahoma?
friend: no
me: oh ok
Talking with my 7-year-daughter today, I said, “Are you kidding me?!” She said...
“No! Wait, I am kidding you. I’m a kid!”
I love this kid.
A man is talking with his therapist...
Therapist: It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Therapist: Yeah, that’s the main one.
Talking with my brother: “Hey remember when we would see how far we could jump off the staircase?”
“That just sounds like leaping off ledges with extra steps”
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
I’m not good with conversations, so I practice talking to large rocks.
It helps me speak boulder.
My Grandma was talking about the good old days and said “in my day we could leave the door unlocked and not worry about it!” and “we grew up with nothing but we were happy”...
I replied “Well Grandma, I hate to break it to you, but you grew up with nothing because you kept leaving the door unlocked!”
I don't like talking about Braille with people
I was in the car with my grandpa Talking to him at this is how that convo went
Him: “You ought to try new things.” Me: “Illegal.” Him: “Sick bird.” Took me a long time to get.
Wife:- Why do you keep talking in circles with me?
What do you call a talking tree who’s good with spreadsheets?
I've been saying "mucho" when talking with my Hispanic friends.
Alright....time for a classic. The Ceo of Datsun was talking to his other high ranking workers when it had just been founded and said, you have 2 days to come up with a name for our company
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
I was talking to a man with the most realistic glass eye today...
I was with this Siberian girl the other night, we were talking, having fun. Things started to escalate so I asked her to take this down south
But she wasn't really Inuit
A drunk Roman is talking to a stranger in a bar “Do you know how many women I slept with?”
There's a guy I work with who lost all his teeth and refuses to stop talking...
I asked him today "why don't you ever shut up?"
He responded "I find it hard to bite my tongue"
A man is diagnosed with a rare condition where if he stops talking about his life experiences, he dies. Not to worry though the doctor said ...
Looks like he's going to tell the tale to live.
After making out with my clone, I kept talking about how in my day, we didn't have sex until marriage.
There I go dating myself again.
I’m talking with my sister in law about the fruit salad she made (my best quick response I’ve ever had)
Last family picnic my sister in law made a really good fruit salad. I was talking with her an my spouse’s aunt about it. SIL was saying how she’d gotten a mini pineapple and mini watermelon for the salad.
The aunt asks “where’s you get all these mini fruit”
Without skipping a beat I reply “the minimart!”
Talking about boobs with my girlfriend
"Who doesn't enjoy boobs?"
"They're alright."
"No, half of them are left."
Talking with friends about what to get GF for birthday
I was talking to my gambling friend. I told him that I went to the races with my wife.
"Did you win?" he asked.
"Of course not," I replied. "We didn't even run."
I actually find talking with spirits gets quite monotonous...
I guess I'm just "Ouija bored"..
I was talking about the dangers of the web with my son. He says, “Don’t worry dad, I know all about the dark web!”
I then asked him, “Well how do you get there? I’ve tried turning off the lights and everything.”
Me and my friend were talking, he says “what rhymes with orange”
I told him, no it doesn’t
Some coworkers were talking about some trouble they were having with knives
They said it was a nightmare
I said "wouldn't that be more of a... knifemare?"
My 3 year old son got the daycare lady with this one the other day while talking about spending the weekend with my parents at their lake house.
Daycare Lady: "does your Grandpa have a house on the lake?"
Son (with a serious face): "no his house is on the grass."
I love talking dirty with the wife while we're eating curry...
... nice bit of pilau talk before bed.
I was on a date with a girl from Africa, we spent the whole night talking in her native language...
We just clicked.. -- Jimmy Carr
My dad took the phone from my mom when I was talking to her and came up with this one...
Dad: Did you get those batteries you needed?
Me: What batteries?
Dad: The ones for the bug zapper. There's some lady that sells them at the beach.
Me: Who? What are you talking about?
Dad: You know the lady. She sells D Cells down by the sea shore.
Talking with my dad about studying abroad in college...
Me: "Do you think I should study abroad? "
Dad: "I think you've already studied enough broads."
Ohh man...
My dad was talking about our dog, who has a collar with her name written on it...
...he said she has "collar ID."
So I was talking with my brother about my GPU that only turns on the fans when it's getting hot ...
Brother: "But nothing turns on your GPU fans"
Me: "Maybe my GPU fans are a-sexual"
Talking about periods with my SO...
Her: "Mine aren't always regular."
Me: "How about your commas?"
It didn't go down too well..
My mom was talking about pairing wine with food: "Some people over complicate it. This one with sea creatures, that one for everything else"
Dad:
> ...'C' creatures... like cows? Chickens?
Mom:
> .............
Was talking with my kids about suicide
told them it's the last thing I would do.
they didn't get it and where pretty confused I was laughing at such a serious subject
Coworker was talking about a keyboard with an extra backspace button...
I said, "sounds like a key feature to me!"
First post to this sub because I always forget to post, plus this one was genuinely not intended!
Talking about ISIS with my dad
My family had a get-together for my grandpa's birthday tonight and ISIS became the topic of the conversation.
Aunty: "I heard that ISIS is all over the place now."
Dad: "Yeah, you know where it is?"
Grandpa: "Where?"
Dad: "ISIS in the freezer."
Eyerolls and groans everywhere.
So I was talking with a friend...
And my Dad was there. My friend was being jokingly mean to me and I said "I thought you were better bred."
My dad said "I thought she was a human, not bread."
We both moaned
My wife was talking about sharing absinthe with friends.
I observed that absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I actually find talking with spirits gets quite monotonous
I guess you can just call me "Ouija bored"..
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