My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: βSure, my door is always open.β
π︎ 21k
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 867
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back.
π︎ 434
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
So, Iβve been hearing people talk about probiotics and how good they are for you. I donβt buy into it.
I guess you could say that Iβm anti-biotic.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jan 02 2021
How do you talk to giants?
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
What kind of vegetable refuses to talk to you?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
My deaf girlfriend just told me βWe need to talk.β
π︎ 114
π
︎ Dec 18 2020
Are we going to talk about this oar what?
π︎ 625
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 01 2021
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
π︎ 70
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
I finally went to talk to the super cute girl who works in the Egyptian super market.
Her: What can I do for you?
Me: I'm looking for a date.
Her: Oh, what kind of dates?
Me: Uhmm, just dinner and a movie :)
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 08 2021
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.
I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
What do you call a robber who talks a lot?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Why do court room stenographers talk loudly?
Because theyβre hearing aides!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 30 2020
Me: talks to my date
My friend, looking at me weirdly: why are you talking to a fucking FRUIT?!
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 21 2020
If you name your daughter Margarita, when she talks back or gets sassy you can say,
"I didn't ask for salt on the rim Margarita!"
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 28 2020
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 20 2020
I had one of the first computers that could talk.....
But this one day, the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I went out and got a Zip drive.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 15 2020
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
If you ever get locked out of your house just talk to the lock.
π︎ 252
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
It used to be taboo to talk about plastic surgery.
Now if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
All this fuel pump talk is a real gas.
π︎ 29
π
︎ Oct 10 2020
such a prick to talk to
π︎ 44
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
Why did no one talk to the Cutless
Because it doesnβt go straight to the point
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 18 2020
A group of people meet up and eat together every night. But they do not talk about it.
They are part of the bite club
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 26 2020
While people are talking about the presidential election, I don't talk immediately, because...
I'm Biden my time, until I can play my Trump card.
π︎ 53
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
Talk no jutsu
π︎ 4k
π
︎ May 05 2020
What language do dumpsters talk in?
Trash talk!
(My little brother made this joke, I'm proud of him)
π︎ 47
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My girlfriend said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture
I said we could table it for now.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
Which cheese talks to itself in the mirror?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 24 2020
I always thought it was weird that no one talks about demons in Africa.
Then I remembered-they bless the rains down in Africa.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
I tried to talk to my daughter about her chicken nuggets obsession, it didn't go well.
π︎ 183
π
︎ Aug 02 2020
My friend decided he wants to be a podiatrist even though I tried to talk him out of it.
I guess he's put his foot down.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 11 2020
Itβs weird- I canβt help but talk about footwear every time I sneeze.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
Found out I could talk to dead people, I thought it be cool but...
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Finally decided to talk to my therapist about my fear of Mexican food.
Took me a long time to finally be able to taco bout it. π€¦π»ββοΈ
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
I know they say that money talks,
but all mine says is βGoodbye.β
π︎ 40
π
︎ Sep 08 2020
My bee neighbors are so annoying, they talk way too much.
They just drone on and on.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
Everybody talks about the dark side of Reddit
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
I hate when people talk about me behind my back.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 30 2020
My deaf girlfriend just told me, βWe need to talk.β
π︎ 259
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
If you ever get locked out of the house, just talk to the lock.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
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