My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
Her, handing me a pillow: "Can you take this please?" Me: "Sure, but that's a pillow, not a please."
The first guy says, “I like to say ‘mucho’ to my Spanish friends as much as I can.” The second guy asks, “Why would you say that?” The first guy replies, “ Because I know it means a lot to them.”
We’re sitting in the chill out area at work and there’s an old Metallica guitar Tab book near us.
One of the girls says “That book smells like the 90’s”.
A guy laughs and says “What does the 90’s smell like?”
I say “Teen Spirit!”
8-year-old: "Dad, did you know that Humpty Dumpty and Puss in Boots are brothers?"
me: "You know being Humpty Dumpty's brother is not all it's cracked up to be?"
me: "Give me a break, I am new to this dad joke thing."
teenager: Cracks up
Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
I didn't expect it but he took a fence.
Her suspicious mind left me all shook up
Her: “Is it difficult for you to talk about this stuff?” (My erectile dysfunction)
Me: “Y’know, normally yeah it is, but with you it’s nothing hard at all...”
Edit: I made this joke completely by accident and then immediately started laughing like a maniac.
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
Me (to son): digging holes in the ground.
I’m not very good at small talk.
Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!
She was sitting in the car at the mall while her mother shopped. I was sitting inside the mall but outside the shop waiting and wishing I was dead.
Daughter: How much longer, I have to pee.
Me: I have no idea. You'd better come inside, if you don't, urine trouble.
Daughter: You're an idiot.
First lady: Isn’t it a bit windy? Second lady: I thought it was Thursday. Third lady: Me too, let’s have a cup of tea.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
me: probably tomorrow
Son: Nah. The moon has no legs.
Brother: Babe, we need to eat all the pears, they’re going to go bad soon.
SIL: but I don’t like pears, you can eat the rest of them...
Brother: I don’t think I can eat the rest of them by myself though...
Me, from another part of the room: well you better pre-pear yourself!
*ugly laughs from the couch
But I knew it was lying because I could see right thourgh it
Because it's always salty!
A Conversation I had with my Daughter when I dropped her off at school
Me: Hey so you know how your cats are always running around all over the place right?
Daughter: Yeah why?
Me: So When they stop moving are they on Paws?
Daughter: Face Palms and says "OKAY DAD BYEEE!!!"
Me: YESSSS! Fist Pump!
I guess there just isn’t that much to torque about.
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas? Daddy: I don’t know, mate. Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
Son: “I hate crumbs.”
Me: “That’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”
Son: “Well I don’t want to eat them.”
Me: “And they don’t want to eat you.”
Son: “Crumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”
Me: “What if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”
Son: “And I’d say you’re ducking weird.”
Me: The washer is free
Dad: No it wasn’t, it cost a lot
And I will die a log.
Well, what can i say, kids his age are irrational
Their conversations always dragon for way too long
It helps me speak boulder.
I had a cold and my dad asked if my nose was running.
I said yes.
He said, You had better catch it then
I love my dad
They were in love, but one of their parents refused to let one of the melons marry the other, so it suggested that they run off and get married. The other melon said, "I'm sorry, but I cantaloupe."
Sometimes, not so solid, either.