Dialogue Puns

It’s called the Witch Tower Society.

[indistinct chattering]

Person 1: Neat! Are you visiting or living there?

Me: Living here, but as an expat.

Person 2: Why'd you change your name?

Me: What do you mean?

Person 2: Well it used to be Pat, and now you're an ex Pat.

Shame, you'll dialogue!

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

then he responded, "And you will dialogue!"

“You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

Because it will dialogue.

The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"

You will dialogue

Suddenly the tree spoke ‘WAIT! Don’t chop me down, I’m a talking tree!’

The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated ‘And now you will dialogue’

START TALKING, OR I’LL MAKE YOU DIALOGUE!

A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

when he started swinging, the tree shouted, 'wait, wait! i'm a talking tree!' the lumberjack smiled and told him, 'and you will dialogue.'

You will dialogue!!!!

The lumberjack responded, “And you will dialogue.”

It didn’t want to dialogue.

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

Dialogue that just ensued between my wife and I. (We're sorting some invitations alphabetically)

Wife: "E, F, G, H, I..., Do you have any I's?" Me: "Yes, I have two." Wife: "Where are they? Can you hand them to me?" Me: "They're next to my nose. It might hurt to give them to you." Wife: "Huh?...Ohhh (Eye roll). That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

I was quite proud. She was annoyed.

Me: "If it ain't Baroque, don't fix it."

Daughter: 'blank stare'

Inner dialogue: "A wasted talent [Dad Jokes]."

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

They'd dialogue.

Actual dialogue I walked in on:

Mom: “Did you and him have a fight or something?”

Dad: “No”

Mom: “Well you’re really short”

Dad: “No I’m not, I’m 6 foot 3”

I told my wife about a recent story in /r/TalesFromTechSupport about a late-night alarm going off at work. She told me that at one of her previous employers, a turkey had flown through a window.

Her: I knew about it because I worked for the general counsel and she had to know about it.
Me: In case the turkey tried to sue?
Her: In case it was fowl play.

You may also enjoy A Previous Dialogue with My Wife

So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound.

well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this.

me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls

wife: and bagels

me: .................bagels? where do you see bagels? looks around for truck or store of some kind

wife: the bagels

me: wtf are you......i hate you

Edit: since people don't seem to get it. Baygull

This came to me this morning. I'm sure somebody has come up with it before, but for me it's original content.

If a sheep is having a dialogue in its own head, is that called internal bleating?

Setting: movie theater during the "fish are friends" scene; aka heavy talking

(Dad) psst

(Me) what

(Dad) where do fish go to have a drink

(Me) not able to hear dialogue Idc shhhh

(Dad) a can-tuna

(Me) goddammit

EDIT: Thanks for getting me to the frontpage of /r/dadjokes for a day! I'm glad you all benefitted from my pain!

In the sitting room watching the football match, and I was saying how my group in college had to do a project on the pasteurisation of milk...and he comes out with this classic. Every line in the dialogue is him:

Did you know that Cleopatra used to bathe in milk?

Was it pasteurised?

No it only went up to around her shoulders!

So at work I was left in charge of the cashiers (I work at a home improvement store). One of the cashiers comes back from break and our dialogue goes as following:

Cashier: Alright I'm back. Want me to jump on a register?

Me: Well, you can just stand in front of it. I don't think it'll hold your weight if you jump on it.

I was both proud and extremely embarrassed of myself..

Lumberjack: and you will dialogue

It will dialogue

Lumberjack: yes, and you will dialogue

The lumberjack then said: "And you will dialogue."

The tree says to the man, “Wait, I’m a talking tree.”

The man continues to chop and replies, “And you well dialogue.”

Lumberjack: "Well, I guess you will dialogue."

The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

...but he didn't know it was a magic forest.

As he began to chop down a tree, the tree said "Wait I am a talking tree".

The lumberjack said "And you will dialogue".

Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted "Wait! I'm a magical tree!"

The lumberjack grinned and said, "And you will dialogue".

Dialogue

Upon arrival, he began to swing at a tree, when it shouted,"Wait! I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, and said,"And you will dialogue."

The tree was stumped.

Upon arrival he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, "Wait, I'm a talking tree!". And the lumberjack grinned and said: "And you will dialogue."

Which he responded and you will dialogue!

I walked into a forest to cut down a tree, once I arrived, I was about to take a swing at a tree, when it shouted, “Wait I’m a talking tree!”

I smiled and said “ And you will dialogue.”