Dad: Give me your best knock knock joke. Or jokes. Do it when you can no rush.
Me: Does it have to be a knock knock joke or can it be any joke?
Dad: Knock Knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.
Her suspicious mind left me all shook up
First lady: Isn’t it a bit windy? Second lady: I thought it was Thursday. Third lady: Me too, let’s have a cup of tea.
Son: Nah. The moon has no legs.
Because it's always salty!
Séonce
No, she wanted to go.
“Hi, how are you getting on?”
but everyone was occupied
He just kept saying he had 0% interest.
"Bred any good rooks lately?"
Doctor: We had to remove your colon. Me Why?
One of them says, "You know, eating that much fiber doesn't really help with your constipation." "No shit", the other replies.
“Well leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.
- I think i've lost an electron
- Are you sure?
- Yes, i'm postive
It always leads to the deepest discussion.
A deep Fry-day
Buddy: Wait, so their idea was, "Your son is the devil, we can fix that with a bone marrow transplant and a virus?"
Me: No, I think they were lying about the retrovirus and just putting holy water and stuff into the marrow to exorcise him. That is my guess because they were just nuns, not real doctors.
Buddy: But, when he was freaking out at the end didn't the nurse say, "The gene therapy would have worked, but he was just too strong!"
Me: Oh yeah, maybe they had some of Jesus's DNA. So, instead of the CRISPR gene they use the CHRISTR gene....
I got an eye roll! No kids yet, but at least I know I can rise to the occasion.
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two, you have two, son.
Son: Nope.... I have four. Point to belly two kidneys here... points to legs... and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
The second turns and says: "I am a big metal fan."
Sorry. I’m a little hoarse
Me: "it wasn't there already!?"
Discus
So yesterday my daughter shouted, “Daaaaad, you’ve not even listened to a word I’ve said!”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
You put a quark in it!!
It was the first time I had used a pick up line to talk to a woman.
"What happened to the first one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "What happened to the second one?" "Poison Mushrooms." "And the third?" "Fractured skull." "How did that happen?" "She wouldn't eat the bloody poison mushrooms."
He said, "I don't know, dad, I'm only three!"
Don’t believe me? Just watch.
I was on a very nice boat party with my friend, his father and a group of their high class friends. We were in lake Pontchartrain in New Orleans, and one of the elitist sailors was trying to determine if I was seaworthy and see if I even knew where I was.
I said "Sure thing", started pointing left "over there is the port of New Orleans", now pointing to the right "and over here is the starboard of New Orleans".
My friend's dad heard the joke, and while laughing a bit he told me "One more bad joke and I'm kicking you off". To which I replied, "You're right, I should have let the opportunity sail away."
"Cow was your day?"
So, they letter in.
It's not a very good icebreaker.
Val: Hi Ray, it's Val here.
Ray: Hi Val here it's Ray!
Val: Erm oh (pause) is Mary there please?
Ray: Yes Val here, I will just pass you over to her.
Seriously I hate my dad sometimes. At what age does it become acceptable for your humour to deteriorate to this?
Dad just woke up from a nap and was meant to pick my little brother up from his school dance.
Mom: "Don't worry, I'll go get [brother]."
Dad: "No, I can still do it."
Mom: "You only just woke up, you still look exhausted. I mean, just look at you!"
Dad: "I can't!"
