He said "I don't think that's a weakness"
"Well I don't give a f* what you think"
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
First One: My name is Nate, his name is Nate too and we are looking for a job opening, both of us.
Interviewer: (checking out their resume) But there's only one position available.
Second One: Ah, shoot!
Interviewer: I'm sorry, it's very un-for-two-Nate
I didn't get the job.
One cow says, it was the udder one
I was hired
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
I said it's so dark I can't breathe has anyone got a nut cracker I can't breathe
He’s struggling to make ends meet
The interviewer waits for the man to sit down before putting the papers in his hand flat on the table between them. "I have here the CV you submitted when you applied for this job. Unfortunately there's a 4 year gap on your CV, can you explain that please?"
The man shuffles uncomfortably in his seat and says "those are the years I went to Yale..."
The interviewer, not expecting this, was taken by surprise and said: "wow that's very impressive! You're hired!"
The man, surprised himself, replies: thanks! I really need this yob!"
Woohoo, i got a yob! :D
I spent all night sewing hearts into shirt and britches. Had to go thru 11 decks of cards.
My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness" All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"
Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
I call it “Best bets for vetting vets for vets”
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
To be honest, I thought they’d have boats.
“Oh, and what is this special talent?” Asked the priest.
The applicant walked up to the bells and slammed his face into the bell.
At first the priest was taken aback, but the sound from the bells was heavenly!
“You’re hired!!” He exclaimed.
The applicant jumped around in excitement and slipped, falling off the side of the belfry to the ground below.
The priest ran downstairs and outside to the sidewalk where the bell ringer lay dead.
A bystander asked “who is he?”
The priest responded “I don’t know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!”
Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."
So he could try to get a foot in the door
I said, "I've never had a job working in a nutshell."
that's shellfish."
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.
“No. I always give 110%”.
His reasoning was “I thought it would help me stick the interview”.
"What are your strengths?"
"I'm an optimist and a positive thinker."
"Can you give me an example?"
"Yes, when do I start?"
At job interview at restaurant there were three aplicants a man, a women and Bob. The interviewer asked the man,
"Why do you deserve this position"
The man replied "I have worked at three 5 star restayrants and have been in this field for 8 years"
The interviewer asked the same question to the women and she replied "I have been working in this field for 15 years and have managed many famous restaurants around the world"
It was finally Bob's turn and the interviewer asked him the same question,
"Why do you deserve this position"
Bob said "You could say i bring a lot to the table"
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
I've answered 'I've never kept a lighthouse before, but I'm willing to try'.
She said she'll give me a call.
But at least I got my foot in the door
Turns out that wasn't good enough to be a pianist
It’s really something I can see myself doing.
You're hired! [ok whatever this joke isnt even funny :')]
2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco
6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas
9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles
The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight
I replied "I'm so good at Photoshop I make Mother Teresa look like Donald Trump."
So whenever I went for one I always entered the room saying “Nice to see you, to see you....”. Only once did someone respond.
The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.
Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.
As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."
As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".
Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
Interviewer: How do you explain the for year gap in your resume?
Me : I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That's great. You're selected.
Me: Thanks I really needed this yob.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?"
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
I usually have my band with me
I replied "I'm too honest"
The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness"
I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
